Is Spanking Abuse ?

Yes. It doesn’t teach anything except: “do what I say or I will hit you.” It’s fear based parenting. It doesn’t teach WHY a child should or should not do something, it just teaches “I will be physically harmed if I do that, so I won’t do it.”

my thoughts exactly and I want my child to feel like they can always come to me

i think it can be for sure to an extent. we usually tap our sons hand if he’s about to put himself in danger. like putting the keys in the outlet or reaching on top of the stove. but i think actual spankings doesn’t teach anything. i got in a lot of trouble living with my mom. and there was one time where she dragged me across the floor by my hair and threatened to cut my hair. i did do something really bad that i wasn’t supposed too but all that taught me was my mom is mean and i didn’t like her after that. i want my babies to trust us and be able to come to us without the fear of getting beat

I think it can be, if the parent is doing it unnecessarily. We have what we call a 3 time rule. I'll only give them 3 chances. I will say it nicely once. The second time I repeat myself I'll still say it nicely but a little more stern. 3rd time they know it's the last chance to listen. If they still don't after 3rd time, it's a spanking on the butt and sit on the couch for whatever desired amount of timeout.

As someone who suffered a bit of physical abuse as a child, I think there’s a huge difference between “I’m hitting you bc I’m angry bc of what you did” and “I’m not angry, but unfortunately you need to learn not to do that.”
My mother’s eyes of rage stick with me more than the actual pain of the discipline does.

That said, with my children, I am going to work on good behavior from the very beginning… Such that I hopefully I’m never put in a situation where we would even need to entertain the idea of physical discipline.

There’s a difference between discipline and abuse, i think a lot of abusive people use discipline as a coverup for their abuse. there’s a saying my family has said (they’re non religious although the saying comes from religious background) “spare the rod, spoil the child”. along with that they’ve always said “never discipline in anger”.

and do you do this for all behavior or just more serious things ? I have a older boy (9 turning 10 in February ) he’s never really got them but I’ve been noticing he’s testing a bit more

We do it for behavior like not listening when we tell them no, purposely doing something BECAUSE we told them no, playing with something even when they know they aren't allowed to/we've redirected them to play with something they are allowed to play with and still try to play with the not okay thing. Those sort of situations.

Like a lot of people on this thread, I was beat up a lot as a child by my parents and I don’t think I did anything THAT bad to deserve the beatings I got. What said about her mother’s eyes of rage I actually have that with my parents too. I learnt to resent and dislike them, and be deeply hurt because these people were hurting me so badly. I hated the weekends because I would have to spend 48 hours straight with them and it would be more time I could get in trouble for the smallest of things. Then I would get in trouble for being in my room and not hanging out with them!? Like yeah I want to hang out after you just beat me and dragged me across the floor? There was also psychological abuse but I didn’t realise that until I was older. The fear and resentment I held towards my parents has permanently damaged our relationship and I never ever want to do that to my children. I still discipline her but never to the point of beating

wow it’s so sad we were just all out here getting beat

Yes! It’s kind of nice to speak about it in the sense that I used to be so ashamed that happened to me because I thought it didn’t happen a lot but it seems sadly it does :(

Idk my mom beat my ass as a kid and we have a good relationship now but it’s still always in the back of my mind. Until I got big enough and fought back once very intensely and it ended her doing that to me. My dad works with my husband and told him my mom abused me as a child and how he felt so bad about it. My mom was a sahm and my dad provided for our family. It tore me up to hear that he felt that way. He was always my favorite but I wish he could have been there to protect me a bit more.

I think if it’s something that can harm them a tap on the hand or even a spank on the butt not hard asf but hard enough to kno that its dangerous. Other than that there really shouldn’t be no reason to go all out on a kid. Cuz if you wouldn’t hit a grown person for spilling milk why u hitting ur kids

Honestly I think it just depends on the kid.. I spank my son (3) and he behaves for a little bit, but it is back to being naughty sometimes.. My daughter(1) I spank and she looks at me like I'm stupid. But I smack her hand and she looks at me like I'm a horrible person.. 🤣🤣

Yes.

I'm not sure I'd call it abuse, but it's definitely bad and there's literally no good from it, but it can harm your relationship with your child.

My husband's father was a good dad, present, worked, bought them gifts, treated their mother well, cooked when his mother couldn't, loved to take him along to cafes often and have that 1-1 time, but was quick to yell and raise a hand whenever my husband wouldn't act the way he expected him to. My husband has some fond memories of him but doesn't even try to have a relationship as he feels he'd only have a relationship with him if he was his puppet.

No child needs to be hit, it's pure laziness to do so. If something dangerous can happen, make sure to move it out of the child's reach and be there to physically prevent them from getting hurt. If you choose to do it instead of actually parenting, ask yourself if you care about having a relationship with them later on and if you're happy about being a villain in their story 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its illegal in Wales where I live because its abuse.
Put it this way, if you hit an adult you could get charged with assault.. its the same thing!

Its lazy parenting and horrible. Theres no reason a parent should be hitting their defenceless child.

my point they still learning

I think us new wave of parents are the first for the majority to try parenting differently I’m proud of us

Yes. It’s something me and my partner disagreed on when we talked about parenting techniques. We both grew up with it and formed different opinions on the matter. I am fully against it and stood my ground. It’s abusive and lazy parenting.

It’s Illegal to hit children in some countries - that should tell you something.
I read somewhere in this that a child, a boy, of 9 or 10 was “testing” more - it’s around then that individuation becomes increasingly apparent in a healthy child. That’s normal. You don’t beat that out of them, because it makes life easier for you, and you are struggling with normal human development.
There is no justification to hitting a child. It’s just a fear based way to keep a child in line, preventing them from developing into an emotionally healthy adult, giving them very conflicted feelings toward the person/people who are meant to keep them safe.

There is a difference between discipline and abuse, I believe in spanking as a form of discipline when necessary and not abuse.

The negative effects of spanking are well documented, including on their self esteem, mental health and behaviour. I don’t know why it’s still up for debate. It doesn’t work as a form of discipline, you’re just damaging your relationship with your children and teaching them that violence is okay.

Proven to not be effective, just creates mistrust, I will never ever ever lay hands on my kids like that. My BD doesn’t agree that it’s the worst, but respects my final say on the matter.

I think all children are different. Having two parents makes a huge difference.

I was against spanking. I was a single mom with no healthy male role models encouraging my son to respect or listen to me though. When he was about 6 I tried spanking and it was the only thing that made him follow any of my directions. I wonder if I would have done some other things differently if I never would have gotten to that point. He really wouldn't do anything I said ever before that thought. Now I just take everything away from him and make him earn it back by following directions. When he was 6 though he didn't care if I took everything away. He could stare at the wall and use his imagination so taking everything away didn't bother him. He'd look at me and say you can take everything away and I'm still not going to do anything you say. Really though my current boyfriend modeling respect towards me has made a bigger difference than anything else has his entire life. He's even stopped gaslighting.

I think key is setting clear boundaries early on with kids and focusing on what they should do more than on what they shouldn't. The more you talk about what they should do the more that's in their subconscious minds automatically. What you tell them they are is what they become. So whatever they are doing that you don't like tell them they are they opposite of that and watch them become it.

I’m genuinely surprised by the amount of people in the comments that hit their children. I thought it was only a minority that thought it was acceptable.
I’ve never been hit. I will never hit a child. It’s entirely unnecessary and harmful.

No. Spanking is not abuse. Gees. Now, if you’re beating them out of anger, yes it is abuse.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one. It’s not lazy parenting, there’s been several videos of kids disrespecting their parents and the parents tried to “gentle parent” the kid but they still don’t listen.

Yes.
Imagine you did it to another adult without their consent. You’d get arrested for assault.
Imagine a stranger did it to your child. That would also be assault.
Just because it’s your kid doesn’t mean you get to hit them

I was the same. I spent every minute I could out of the house, and my friends were confused in college why I didn’t want to spend holidays and summer at home. I always took jobs that involved traveling etc

you are not the only one and there are many others who truly understand the difference between spanking and beating. People just want to be in their feelings.

Depends.

Some people’s definition of spanking is leaving bruises, welts, etc. that abuse.

But a real spanking that, worse case, leaves some red marks that go away after a bit isn’t the same thing.

We are spankers. It’s been an effective form of discipline for us.

It does nothing but instil fear into a child. If you need to scare your child into listening to you, then you have no business being a parent and should probably seek some kind of anger management therapy.

I think id only spank my child if they did something really bad (when i told them not to) that could’ve gotten them severely hurt. My parents used to spank me for the dumbest reasons and it never worked and i just became a violent child. It made me believe I was bad so i acted bad.

It’s not only if there’s a “difference” between spanking and abuse, it depends totally on your child’s reception of it. While I did not agree with the abuse I suffered, I still have a relationship with my parents today even though I still resent them because I could forgive them. I have a few friends who were “spanked” and they couldn’t look past it and don’t speak to their parents now as adults. If that’s what’s helping you sleep at night that you “only spank” and there’s a “difference”, your child will grow up one day sooner rather than later and know you put your hands on them however lightly or severely and they will be the judge of themselves of how they feel about that

absolutely no reason to spank your child. definitely a cultural thing, for some reason in some cultures it is completely normalised still. It does nothing to teach your child, but teach them to be scared of their parents which isn’t a safe way to be brought up. If your child is in constant fear of getting a spanking or any form of ‘discipline’ like that they will never feel comfortable enough to tell you certain things, and that can and will put them in dangerous situations. No one, who I have asked on here, has ever been able to give me an actual reason as to why spanking is acceptable, they just say they aren’t really beating them so they think that makes it okay. It isn’t a ‘parenting technique’ and it isn’t okay. it is 100% lazy parenting- they don’t want to put in the effort to actually teach their child not to do something they just want to hurt and scare them enough into not doing it again, which is not how we should be raising our children.

It's not abuse. But explain why your kid is getting in trouble and never do it out of anger.

If your partner hit you whenever you did something wrong ect you’d think thats okay?

Would you think its acceptable for your boss to hit you when you did something ‘wrong’ in work?

How is it not abuse? Whats the difference?

No I don’t think it’s abuse. I do think it should be reserved for severe behaviors tho. My husband wanted to just spank over any little thing. I really put my foot down like there HAS TO BE MORE to discipline than just that. Don’t spank my son over sneaking away with your phone after you told him no twice. But I could see spanking him for running outside by himself. I would give other examples but no matter what I say there’s going to be people who disagree. But just know children know what a loving and caring parent looks like and the few and far between spanking is not going to take from that. When people talk about being abused have you EVER heard them say something like “I’m in therapy because my mom spanked me when I tried to take a knife out of the drawer to play with” or “my dad spanked me when I threw a rock at my brothers head I’m so messed up over it” or even “I’ll never forget how bad it hurt and how traumatized I was from being spanked.” ?? I doubt it.

I see where you’re going with this but we have WAY more cognitive ability and are MUCH less impulsive than children. That’s why usually spankings stop with age cuz school aged kids can reason better than toddlers do, they can redirect and think it through much better. If not they need help not punishment.

Also, if my boss or partner gave me one quick spank on my pamper I would forgive them. It SHOULD NOT HURT fr, just gets the kid’s attention. The actual discipline comes after when you speak to them or explain a natural consequence.

I don’t think children should spend everyday getting spanked and if you have a calm child who reacts wonderfully to time outs etc then don’t spank frfr. But like I said below have you ever heard someone say they were abused and traumatized as a child from the spank on the butt they got? I know I’ve heard people talk about wooden spoons paddles soap in the mouth and actually getting beat up. But I’ve never heard anyone bring up being spanked.

you’re telling me that your friends stopped speaking to their parents as adults because they spanked them when they were young children? Spanked… like one or two slaps on the butt?

You sure they didn’t use objects or pull their pants down or humiliate them? You SURE there wasn’t other abuse besides these one or two slaps on the ass?

I just don’t believe it.

what did a spank look like at your house?

tearing that ass up and giving a spanking sounds different to me. But what’s the difference between a quick sting on the ass or a quick sting on the ear to you? I’m not judging just genuinely curious.

no judgement, but are you actually saying here that you’d be okay with your boss spanking you? 😅🤣

you do have control of yourself as an adult .. so why hit your TODDLER as a reaction?

Thats awful sorry. Thank god its illegal where I am from ☺️

It's a dominance play. Some kids need it, or you'll never be in charge. If you let your kids be in charge of their own conditioning their going to mess themselves up. Kids really don't know what their doing. It's your job to get them into healthy habits and show them what to do. If you let them run the show, the kids are going to have problems. It might seem easier at first to let them do what they want, but it's way harder to correct bad behavior you let slide from the beginning when they're teens. Setting good, strong boundaries starting in infancy is important.

yes, a few slaps here and there over a person’s childhood adds up to lots of slaps… what humiliates or abuses a person is subjective. I and obviously these friends think being belittled and physically hurt by an adult that is supposed to love and protect you is embarrassing and hurtful. I don’t really care that you don’t believe it 🤣