Am I the asshole?

Female (26), Husband (30) have been together for 6 years married for 3 years. One shared child a boy (15 months); one step child my husband’s daughter (9) she was 3 when we got together. After my husband and I married my step daughter has made comments that make me uncomfortable and feel unwelcome by her. At our wedding she announced to many guests that I’m not her mother and she doesn’t have to listen to me because her mom told her she didn’t have to. She has also made the comments that she wants her mom to move in with us so we can live together (which her father hates her mother so will never happen). She has said she wished her mom and dad were together right in front of me. I should add my husband has never defended me on anything she has said. My husband recently questioned me as to why I don’t want to include his daughter in all my family activities and I told him that I feel uncomfortable around his daughter due to her comments and always reporting everything she does back to her mother via the new phone her mother got last year without even consulting my husband before giving it to her. After every-time we get home she goes to her room and calls her mom and tells her everything. Previously my husband had said something that upset his daughter and she went up stairs and cried to her mom about it to then have her mom text her dad instead of talking to her dad about it. So we both know she is constantly talking to her mom while she is over here every other weekend. Idk what to feel because now my husband is upset with me and said i shouldn’t feel this way after all these years. I told him I didn’t feel like this in the beginning it just got worst after our wedding and with the phone. My husband has also complained to me in the past that I don’t treat his daughter the way I treat our son. I told him before though that I feel no maternal connection to his daughter because at the beginning of our relationship he made it very clear to me that she was his daughter not mine and that I will have no contact with his daughter’s mother. I will always feel differently about his daughter than my son. I told him he will never under what it’s like to be a step parent and helping raise someone else’s child and he just throws back that I will never know what it’s like to live a split life at two houses. And he’s right I won’t but I was raised by my grandparents not even my parents so that stings. But am I an asshole for feeling this way should I just drop it and forget about the whole thing? Edit: I should add that her mother and father were never married they separated shortly after she turned one. I had been with her dad for three years before we married. Her mother was already married to another man before her dad and I married. She has now since divorced the other man and is now in another relationship. So I understand her father and me are the only stable relationship in her life since her mom can’t stay in a relationship for long. I also have no contact with her mother due to the way she treated my husband when they were together so my husband does not want me to have any contact her mother at all. Added with the phone my step daughter’s mother said that she is not allowed to have my phone number on her phone so she has no way to talk to me either only her father and when her father messages her she does not reply to him but will reply instantly to her mother. I do try to connect with her and I do girly activities alone without her father or my son so it’s not like I exclude her from my life and I do try to make a connection but it’s hard when I try too because she normally through something in my face like “well my mom ….” And i understand that I am the adult and she is the child. I don’t exclude her from everything but she does not live with us so she will always miss out on certain things I don’t try to live my life around her. Sometimes she gets to participate if she is with us and sometimes she misses out and that part of living at two different houses. I have stricter rules than her mother because i see her as a child not my best friend like her mother does. I have never made her refer to me as mom she has called me by my government name since she was young and I never expected different because I am not her mom so I’m not trying to force her to love me. But I use to be the only one helping her take showers/baths a day get dressed and brush her hair and what not that little girls need when she would come over to our house and I did so willingly because my husband expressed that since she was developing he felt uncomfortable helping her with those things. Now having a toddler I have told her she will have to learn to do some things on her own now and I can’t do everything for her since I also have to take care of my son. Idk if that has upset her since she is no longer the only child at our house. She also has a younger brother at her mother’s house.

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You’re not an asshole but you have to put all of it to the side and be neutral. Which I’m sure you do, like don’t treat her any differently regardless of how she acts. But there is a line drawn when it comes to respect, and your husband needs to make it known that his daughter must respect you as another mother. I have a 7 yo SD, have been around her since she was 2. Even when me and her mom have had problems, she’s told her that I am the same as her and she has to listen to me and respect me. At the end of the day we are cordial and civil and respect each others roles. It sounds like her mom is the problem here and is raising her to undermine your role as her stepmother. Kill them both with kindness. One day your SD will see things from both sides. You can try stopping her and asking why she didn’t come talk to you or dad when X made her upset. Tell her you’re there for her any time she needs to talk, same with your husband. That you guys love her just like her mommy does.

I think no matter what she will go and tell her mum things, my step kids do and that's their choice as annoying as it can be. One time I was in the bath 5 weeks after giving birth and my SD was on the phone to her mum saying how lazy her dad is and all he wants to do is sleep. He was up with our newborn a lot. Maybe the mum has been saying things to her to put a wedge between you. SD told me her mum said I'm not their step mum and I never will be. I don't let it get to me because legally I am and it is down to the kids to have an opinion of me, not their mum. The year after her mum said that, my SD got me my favourite chocolates for mothers day because in her words I'm not her mum but I sort of am. I would say to try and make an effort with SD, she not your bio kid but she is your husbands and it's normal to see her differently to your son.

You aren’t an asshole but you are the adult End of the day she was probably trying to test you subconsciously and feels a lot of sadness and hurt that her parents aren’t together I wonder if you can both begin a new clean slate if you want things to be different moving forwards I find tackling it head on ‘hey I know you find it tough’ ‘hey I know moving between two houses is hard’ ‘hey look I know things aren’t always easy but let’s make some effort and changes together’ Children aren’t stupid they pick up on vibes

Can you have a meeting with the child’s mother and discuss her behaviour? She is clearly unhappy and you should all want to help her overcome her battle collectively.

I think holding onto what was said in the beginning is an issue. He may have been navigating a new relationship with a child and protecting them both as she is his daughter. The daughter might be struggling with the marriage as it made things more real and concrete in her mind. I agree the mother does not seem to be helping though and her daughter is obviously close to mom. But I hate to say you acting certain ways or not always including her because of how she is acting is probably making everything worse. The father needs to have a heart to heart and get to the root of her actions and like everyone else said you are the adult she is only 9. You’re valid to feel uncomfortable I certainly would too but idk if y’all should have gotten married if you still need to point out your child isn’t mine type things. I’d think after all these years that is pretty obvious and doesn’t need to be a topic as your a blended family now regardless

You're not the asshole. But I do think your step daughter because of her age has been manipulated by her mother. 9 years olds don't act that way without being conditioned. I can guarantee she's just a parrot of her mother. But wishing your parents to be together when they've split is normal. A friend of mine had to sit her eldest down a few years back when he was like 7/8 as he wanted his parents back together and she had to ask him where mummy and daddy happier now or in the past and he realised that they were happier now and that now be has two homes of love to go to instead. And that break up was MESSY! Like proper messy. It's taken 5 years to be where it is now which is a good place

I think the right thing to do is love the poor girl, even when she isn’t lovable. You don’t always have to like her but unconditional love means under no condition does it change your absolute love for her. She’s part of your husband and you should love her as such. Grown ups fighting over caring for a kid hurts the kid, even if they seem like they don’t like you or don’t care - they do. They need support, kindness, patience, understanding, grace, guidance, and forgiveness.

My sd is 11 and in the preteen phase is absolutely the same way. Only difference is I treat her as I would any child in my care but she does not get the same treatment as my kids. Sorry. She is cared for and I do things with and for her but I do not go above and beyond (anymore that is). I used to and every single time I have it was thrown in my face by either her or her mom. So now I just took a major step back. I dont try push to a relationship anymore. If she has a convo with me I respond/engage but if she ignores me all day I dont try to start a convo. Like everybody expects it to be kumbaya and for the stepparent to just roll over because its a kid but thats not realistic because we still have feelings and we’re always put in impossible situations. You can explain and try to connect a million and one times but after a while its gets exhausting and hopeless. Adult or not we all have our limits of what we’re willing to tolerate and accept.

you're not an asshole. the cellphone is an annoying power dynamic but you have to accept that you only see your SD 2 weekends out of the month. her mother is her primary influence. You're not her mother and that's fine, you are there to be a supportive adult in your SD life. Your husband needs to sit with you and his ex and everyone discuss expectations and boundaries. The ex probably is just waiting to see if you're going to stick around.

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