CAN ADULTS BE GROUNDED?
I’m honestly curious to know what’s everyone thought about this question.
This is gonna be a long one. I apologize 😭
Context: I have 4 siblings (5 of us total including me). 3 older siblings (30’s), me (27) then little brother (21).
My little brother used to live with my oldest sister but because she was having her 3rd child, she needed that room my little brother was in. Grandma used to live with her as well (shared room w/her other two kids).
My second sister bought a house. Both grandma and little brother moved in with her and her wife (plus their two dogs and cat (RIP to the cat).
Grandma is old (in her 60’s) and needed help bringing in jugs of water and groceries. She called my little brother but he didn’t pick up. She called my sister to tell her about it, my sister went to bang his door (literal bang) and no answer. Mind you, my sister has a fractured or sprained ankle/foot. After they brought the jugs of water and groceries in. He comes out of his room and asked, “what happened?”. My sister was pissed. So, she “grounded” him for two weeks. She didn’t like that word so she said, “she took his privilege away.” Because Valentine’s Day and his girlfriend birthday coming up, she was lenient for him to attend those two events.
Then another occasion: my sister told our little brother that she’s gonna need help with the yard work and he said, okay. Then he asked if he can go to his girlfriend’s house (she let him go even though she should’ve said no) but told him he’s gonna have to come back to help with the yard work. He then texted our sister if she still needed help with the yard work. She said, yes. I don’t remember what happened after that but he ended up at the mall with his girlfriend instead. In our family, if we all live together, we split responsibility around the house which I think is fair.
Then recently, due to the snow, they left work early (he works with our 2 older siblings) and he was supposed to come home but he manipulated our older sister to drop him off at his girlfriends house even though he knew he was “grounded”. My sister texted our oldest sister about it but she didn’t see the text until she got home and dropped him off already.
Then my sister sent a screenshot of their conversation to the siblings group and asked, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with this please”. We all know our little brother and how he is. What was wrong was, his girlfriend was speaking/texting for him. We know because when he text us it’s dry as hell because he’s not very social. Then his last word was, “I’m moving out”.
Mind you, my second sister is a people pleaser. My second sister feels betrayed because she made sacrifices to help and support our little brother but his actions is showing that he’s ungrateful. Then my sister is blaming herself and questioning what she did wrong? Or, is she being too harsh on him, ect,.
My little brother is the baby of the family so he has everything he needed/wanted most of the time growing up. I’m the second to the youngest and I was semi the baby too but he’s the babiest of them all. I didn’t have that support and stuff growing up so he literally had it the easiest.
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If he pays for rent and all his own food and groceries the way a lodger would (as well as cleaning up after himself), then no she can’t ‘ground’ him and she’s not entitled to do so, only entitlement being kicking him out. However, if he’s staying there rent free and doesn’t contribute to the house in any way or help out with kids or pay for groceries (if he’s using the environment a similar way to a teenager) then I think she’s totally fair enough to have drawn a line and say that. He doesn’t have to listen but I think ethically speaking ig it’s totally fair on her to be upset and frustrated. I guess it depends on how the housing bills and chores are split up and if the contribution is equal or not. If your sister and her kids/partner do the majority then she’s completely fair and he’s fully taking advantage of her, but if he’s contributing fairly as is then she shouldn’t have a say with what he does in his spare time. If that makes sense x
When he lived with our oldest sister, he was living rent free. Then when she was pregnant with her third, she was gonna kick our little brother to the streets.
My second sister and her wife helped him look for a place but he didn’t like what they suggested. Then mentioned to our oldest sister that he was moving in with them but there was no communication about him moving in with them. So, our oldest sister mentioned it to them. Then, that’s where my second sister sacrifice comes into play. She begged her wife to let our brother move in with them because she felt bad for him (like I mention, my sister is a people pleaser).
He does pay for his portion of the rent but is late most times. My sister in law would have to text and/or remind him that the rent is due. He didn’t pay his phone bill for 3 months, so they covered it for him (I think they have a phone plan together). He doesn’t pay for food. Grandma mainly provides food for the house for everyone to eat.
We’re not trying to abuse him of any sort. lmao. My second sister and her wife is trying to help/teach with responsibilities as an adult as he has no knowledge whatsoever about it. As my sisters word, if you’re gonna act like a child then you’ll get treated like one. If you’re acting like an adult, I’ll treat you like an adult.
Straight up thinking about grounding my 26 year old sister now 🤣
oh goodness. It wasn’t me 🤣
It’s ridiculous to try to ‘ground’ an adult man.
If he’s not pulling his weight around the house, it’s time to talk to him about either a) growing tf up and no longer acting like a teenager or b) moving tf out and standing on his own two grown ass feet.
My sister and her wife has been pretty straightforward and communicates with him. Most times, he doesn’t really have much responsibility besides paying his portion of the rent and taking the trash out. Even just that 1 chore, he couldn’t do.
@🩷 Patience He was never grounded when he was younger probably why my sister was trying to do that to him now 😅 Our parents was never in the picture either. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing but no, you’re right. I see your perspective too.
Well, I guess he’s moving out this Sunday with his girlfriend (I was also told that she’s controlling). This never really happened before until he met her.. Honestly, I guess he’s gonna have to learn somehow, someway on how to be an adult 🤷🏻♀️
no, you’re good! I asked for everyone’s thoughts, so no hard feelings 😊
Sadly but yes, you’re totally right.
My brother doesn’t have any kids but has talked about wanting kids at a certain age with his current girlfriend when they were 4 months into dating. I was like, yikes! 😬 He doesn’t like watching his nieces and nephews for a few hours but he’s here talking about having kids but yet he can’t even be an adult. Let that make sense 🤦🏻♀️
I feel with everything going on, my brother is gonna be that one sibling that leave on a bad note and possibly won’t be talking to us for who knows how long..
But, I am happy that your brother is finally doing better! I hope my brother will have his biggest wake up call. It just seems like he’s ungrateful to those who helps him. I think that’s where my sister is feeling devastated. Like the saying, do good deeds, receive good deeds. & every time she helps someone, it somehow backfires at her.
You can ground yourself, with discipline from things you know you should not be doing or to remove bad habits
Ummm, Grandma is 30 years older than like 3 of her grandkids 😱
Also, you can not "ground" an adult. At all.
If your sister wanted to "punish" your brother, then she could refuse to let him borrow her car (if he was), not cook for him (if she was), make him pay rent (if he wasn't) etc
This sounds so messed up, and neither he nor the sister he lives with sound nice.
I read a few of your comments, and I would have kicked his lazy, entitled arse out long ago or not let him move in at all.
You all need to let him learn consequences for his actions.
Also, his girlfriend texting for him is red flag territory.
I agree and understand both of the top comments. The top comment is explained well and reasonable bc I’d be helpful or no? But also he’s 21 now. You can’t ground him from his gf house or doing as he pleases. Now you can refuse to drive him there or pick him up. You can set better boundaries like you have x amount of days to pay your rent late or you’re out. He needs his own phone plan so that’s also not their issue. Grandma provides everyone food but everyone helps. If he doesn’t help then he doesn’t eat. I don’t think it should be treating him like a child bc he acts like one bc at the end of the day he isn’t. It should be he’s acting like a child so let’s STOP babying him so he can get an adult wake up call. Do better or go out on your own and struggle. The choice is his because again he’s an adult. Sister needs to heal her people pleasing and self guilt so she ain’t beating herself up for HIS choices/actions & the consequences that come with em.
Grounding an adult feels abusive, even more so, because your sister is upset by the fact that he has chosen to move out. Sounds like she was enjoying tormenting him. If you want him to learn responsibility, then let him move out and he’ll figure things out when there’s no one to bail him out. Feeling he’s ungrateful for wanting to move out is crazy, why should your sister be so invested in him living with her?
He’s a young adult. I wouldn’t consider him grown in my home and he would need to contribute in some way. But grounding him is ridiculous ah! He’s not a child. He needs guidance into full adulthood. People miss calls all the time or don’t feel like talking. Sounds like he needs to move out to gain some independence or a conversation needs to be had about his contributions to the house hold if he’s going to live there. But grounding someone who can buy alcohol is just diabolical
I was always unground-able, even as a kid. He has the right to move out and it's no one's fault it's just time.
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