Is there a group for how to deal with boomer parents/in laws?

It doesn’t sound like a boomer problem, more like a mental health crisis. Is your mother ok, mentally?
Could she be having a breakdown especially after your dad’s death?

Also have a read up about Alzheimer’s disease as some of the symptoms are personality changes and being suspicious of objects/others. Speak to Age Concern UK, they may be able to offer further help and advice.

She is spiralling for sure but has pre-existing issues she has always refused to seek help for due to paranoia that the "system" is out to get her etc.
She says counselling won't help her as she needs dopamine and has self diagnosed with adhd.

I wasn't able to get a dementia diagnosis for my dad either as he had lucid moments and we couldn't force him to go to doctor for assessment 😥😪

She is 65 so still feels a bit young for dementia but I guess it's possible

So sorry to hear about your dad.
My mum was also a bit hysterical after my dad died, and I had to step in to handle a lot of the process, it is so overwhelming at times.
It sounds like your mum may be having a mental health crisis. I would encourage her to speak to her doctor about how she's feeling.

It sounds like she is having paranoid delusions. Which can be a sign of dementia but can also be a sign of things like schizophrenia or schizoeffective disorder

Yeah I'm handling most of everything as she's never been able to deal with paperwork but that means I also need my phone as a lot of companies refuse to deal with email and I have to call them. A couple of calls she wanted to make herself though and it feels bad to not let her use my phone but I need it.
If I suggest therapy one more time I think she will actually bite my head off. I've tried being so super gentle and she is so offended and angry about it shouting at me etc. I'm trying to help but I'm bereaved too and there is a line of behaviour I don't have to put up with just because she's bereaved. She didn't get on with my dad even.

I feel for you. And kinda all our phones are all listening to us to some degree which is how we get some of our product recommendations….. I get technology can be challenging for her. Maybe take her to the cell phone store and ask them to price out the switch for her to one like yours or even for her to get a second phone of her own. And say if she isn’t willing to do that then she can’t use yours. I know it is a pain but at her age I’m not sure much will change by trying to reeducate

Girl!! This! What is wrong with them? lol they are nuts. Not my in-laws. My parents.

Ladies thanks for the input however am aware its a symptom of mental issues. Have you actually said this to someone experiencing this rather than help them through their delusion? 🙈 it's not going to help to tell her she's just going crazy. I was looking for gentle ways to actually help her see that her phone is not taping her like going to the apple store to talk through it with a tech guy

I wish mental health issues would go away just by a family member recognising and telling them about it but that's not the case and even if the person suffering agrees to get help it's not like delusions just go away, we have to live with them and it's hard for everyone involved

She has been paranoid for as long as I remember which I've put down to trauma/ptsd.

Sorry to hear about this situation. It must be very hard for you, as you are also navigating being a parent, whilst having to ‘parent’ your own parent!
Maybe you should buy her a non-smart phone, just for calls?
That phone can be given a name, and basically known to her as ‘The Safe Phone’? Her brain may feel reassured by this, and she may be more likely to use it.
Also make sure you ask her for permission to use ‘The Safe Phone’ then make some calls too!

it’s so hard isn’t it, as that generation clearly has a lot of mental health issues but because of the way they were raised, they will never seek help for it or deny the existence of any issues until death.

I feel like the thing that holds them back a lot is they think that they are too old to seek help or that it will do them any good. They’d rather suffer/continue in miserable existence and the problem is with that mindset you can lead a horse to water and all that but you can’t make them drink it.

Honestly give Age Concern UK a call, they’ve probably dealt with similar issues hundreds of times over and can point you in the right direction of extra help.

Would your mum be open to having a personal assistant/carer to take some of the burden off you?

Also, condolences about your dad.

Which network is your mum’s contract with and for how long?

What model iPhone does she have? It may be easier to sell it or trade it in say at Cex and buy a cheaper model Android/Samsung phone for her instead?

@Neena it's Vodafone and I think there's more than a year left 😥

you can still sell or trade in her iPhone and keep paying for the contract. iPhones hold their value for longer so you may even be better off as any extra cash left over can go towards the contract.

I am sorry for your loss; this has nothing to do with being born between 1945 and 1965 and everything to do with technological education which most people do not have despite using technology daily.

I say this as a technical engineer.