What do you say when people ask how are you doing? (After baby loss)
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I just say i have good days and bad days and although I'll never get over it, I'll learn to live with it
I'm taking it a day at a time. Or, I'm managing
Do you speak to a counsellor? I get to tell her how I feel and she gets it as she had a stillbirth too. When asked by friends and family I just say yeah I'm okay, or yeah I'm good. Unless it's a REALLY bad day then I practically ignore the question. If they're persistent I'll just reply with "not a great day". I just find it easier for me and them. I have my partner and counsellor to let my feelings out too. I just don't think people really understand unless they've been through it so I just think what's the point in trying to explain 😔 x
@Marcia i only even say im fine because i just want them to leave me alone and go on with their day and i feel like any other response especially if it triggers my emotions people go to hr suggesting you need help. I just want space. I want people to stop telling me about their loss to try to show they understand. Because every loss is different and them comparing doesnt help either.
@Sonia this! I literally feel guilty when i have a good day. I pretty much just hold it together as beat as i can in front of people... i avoid eye contact, and try to blend in so people dont realize im crying at my desk bc i was forced to return to work.
@Mas *sigh* exactly... waiting for the day I get to have a baby. 2 losses in exactly 24 months.. literally 3 days apart from each other has destroyed me. I miss who i was, ill never be the samr version of myself. I manage to get things done that are mandatory and do what i can with everything else and remind myself theres tomorrow when i have no more strength to do things. My situation is extremely fucked up. It wasnt supposed to be this way... I just need the right attorney to go after the dr it was completely his fault.
@Hanna i dont speak to someone because i dont want someone to just listen, and i dont want robotic responses theyre trained to give and to validate me because i know my feelings are valid. My partner listens and we cry together. Im soo grateful for him bc i deff couldnt do this alone. Im sure it helps ur counselor can speak from experience or speak to u in ways she would have wanted other to speak to her. Ive shut most people out. When they see im upset they always ask whats wrong bc theyre lives move on and mine just doesnt. I have one friend who i vent to and she has been a saving grace thru it all, she cant relate but shes just as angry and upset as i am. I dont try to explain to anyone. They all always say were thinking of u and praying for you and what am i supposed to say? None of that helps. Its nonsense
💔💔 The place I use for counselling is the lily Mae foundation (I'm in the UK) all of the counsellors both men and women have been through loss and infant loss. It was set up due to Lily Mae being still born at 37 weeks. Is there not a counselling service near you that offers something similar to this? Yeah, half of my family is religious and some of them light a candle at church and I also think it's nonsense so I just don't say anything 🫠! It's very difficult. But all of your feelings and emotions are valid. I'm so glad you have the support of your partner, they really don't understand how much we'd be lost without them sometimes. Have you tried writing your feelings down? I don't personally do it but I know it's worked for some people. There are groups on Facebook that are for people who have had stillbirths and they post their babies and speak about them if that's something you'd like. I've also used tik tok a lot so I don't feel so lonely. Speaking to other mums who are going through it helps x
Im in the US im not sure if there's anything similar i honestly havnt looked. Right if people want to do that and it helps them fine i just dont care to know about it. I had to decide to stop assiciating with a friend because on several occasions she insisted that she believes god has a plan and stuff and even if i did believe in a god this wasnt their doing, it was preventable my doctor made the wrong call. I really couldn't imagine what od do without him. Its different for him because well hes not a woman he didnt carry and he was a dad before I knew him, but that doesnt make it easy for him either Ive tried to avoid a lot of social media because the pregnancy announcements and baby milestones everyone posts is just too much to see. And tlking to other moms doesnt seem to do anything for me, like it doesnt make me feel better to know other people lost babies, I dont want to know how because it gives me anxiety of things I didnt know were possible that will make me worry more in my next pregnancy
My little girl should be 9 months old and I also just say I’m doing ok, or getting there. Like you said it’s easier. It’s so frustrating when I do say actually I’m having a bad day and the response is “why”. Why do you think?!?!? Just because I’m functioning, working, eating etc doesn’t mean for one second that I am just ok with it now. Every single day is a sad day for the rest of my life, I can just function better than I could in the early months. You’re not alone. If you’re in the UK I used teddys wish for 12 weeks of funded counselling, it really helped us however tbh I think I could do counselling once a week for the rest of my life to talk about my girl and what happened to us, Thinking of you and your angel baby xx
Soon after my son died, and still sometimes I get so mad at people for even asking! Like how could I be ok? Do you really want to know? What is the right answer here?!? Some of my answers are “it’s going.” “ I’m here.” “Not currently crying”
@Lucy im so sorry to hear about your little girl. People who havnt been through it dont realize time doesnt make it better or okay. They dont see us silently suffering every damn day. They cant relate to the trauma or the triggering moments that break us. I just hate the how are you? Because even if this wasnt my reality its a norm for people to just say good or okay even when we all have life burdens. Mental health needs to be talked about. My boys would be 2yrs old and 3 months old right now. I lost both very late in pregnancy. Im in the US idk if we have anything like that but i dont think im at a place where i even want to talk to a professional, it wont fix anything or bring them back. Thinking of you as well, stay strong. Thank you for sharing
@Priscilla yeah i dont know what they expect, its really hard. When people ask me sometimes i just ignore them lately or i put headphones in even if nothing is playing so they think i cant hear them. My response is usually 'im alive' and most other responses are quite morbid. Its my way of showing im struggling but leave me alone. I do it to make them too uncomfortable to ask again. Im sorry about your son. The pain doesnt go away 💔
I honestly just tell them ‘I’m here’ bcos I’m not going to say ‘I’m fine’ when I’m not just to make the person asking feel comfy or feel like they’ve done the necessary by asking (if that makes sense).