Partner is transitioning & i feel completely blindsided

He should’ve told you for sure. I get that’s hard but he shouldn’t spring that on you. If you’re partners in life this is a huge discussion that should’ve been had

you are absolutely justified in your feelings. it's a LOT to process. and he is definitely being unrealistic when he says that nothing will change, simply because he doesn't want things to change. you're right, why would you be with a woman if you are not a lesbian? he's probably thinking that, at his core, he will be essentially the same person. but this is a whole different experience for you and to ask you to be okay with such a massive change basically overnight is very selfish of him, not to mention not discuss any of it to see how you feel about it. you are allowed to split up for any reason you see fit. there does not have to be a bad guy here, you simply want different things out of life and out of your relationship.

Been together 7 years and he hasn't bothered to talk with you? Girl, bye. Telling his friend but not you?

Question: How does or why does his friends know about this before you do. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't justified in your feelings. It has nothing to do with being homophobic.

The term for this is “transwidow”. I have some personal insight on this topic. Feel free to message me I have some great resources to help you sort out all the gaslighting and grief.

I mean it's up to him to tell people when he is ready, but it sounds like he has already decided how things will end instead of giving you the free reign to decide for yourself what this means for you. I'm wondering who his mental health professionals were because he should have already processed the worst case scenario here instead of expecting things to be the same. For some people, it is the same. For others, it completely changes everything.

This would 100% be grounds for divorce for me

id leave him if you like men than bye. It's different if you are bi than maybe could work it out. But that's not fair for him to make you feel bad about not wanting to be with a soon to be woman if you like men. Maybe you can be friends but him not telling you untill he's having surgery tbh breaks trust. Like how could you hide something that big for so long. I hope everything works out and your happy.

All I can say is I hope things work out for you, I can’t imagine the grief and confusion you are feeling right now.

This is terrible. I’m so sorry OP. You’re not crazy.

It’s not even about the actual transitioning situation, it’s about how little they obviously respect or care about YOU, they were incredibly insensitive by saying the kids comment, and they lied by omission for a long time and threw it on you all at once expecting everything to be fine. Even if literally nothing was going to change, those things say a fucking lot about this individual.

Is he only just starting hormone therapy? I thought people had to be on that for a while before having surgery? It all sounds very quick.

How would he think after being together 7 yrs that all the sudden springing this on you would be okay?! Fuck no it’s not. Get your divorce and move on girl! It is a better situation that you don’t have children yet as you can find a MAN and have some children with him…I’m so sorry for your losses and I really hope the best for you and that you meet someone who will not lie about who they really are and you can have a family one day! Love and hugs from Texas!

I agree with Kira. Your best way to move forward is to look into transwidow support groups. It’s not your fault. It’s what these men do. Do not let him gaslight you into staying with him. Hormones/surgery/ makeup and a dress does not make a woman.

You're not crazy, and for someone actively transitioning to become a woman, I'm aghast at how devoid of respect he has demonstrated and understanding he has for womanhood. How mucking dare he haven't an ounce of respect to tell you as his life partner whilst going through the difficult, trying, devastating process of IVF, then make a straight "bro" arse comment and claim to still be your husband whom I would expect to exercise a modicum of support, at the least, regardless of the fact he egocentrically created this entire scenario?!

I feel so bad for you in this situation. I honestly wouldnt know what to do but don’t listen to anyone telling you that are wrong. You are the one thats being blindsided and whos life is being flipped upside down, especially if he knew this years ago. I also support gay and trans lbgtq community but I think its quite unfair when they drag people into their mess in situations like this when they could have just chosen to stay single. Lying to someone, building a false life with them, then going out of their life in a blaze to chase their own happiness while leaving carnage and chaos for the partner to deal with is very wicked.

Its also a blessing in disguise that you guys dont have kids. You can just cut and be done with him!

there’s a reddit page called “my partner is trans”. maybe post there to get support from people who have been through something similar. i can’t imagine how shocking this must be! the way your husband has gone about this is completely unfair and inconsiderate of you and your relationship. i’m really sorry.

he’s right about one thing, at least you guys don’t have kids, get out NOW you deserve so much better