Don’t like my husband

Does anyone have any tips on how to soften the postpartum rage? Shortly after becoming pregnant, my husband’s drinking amped up due to his anxiety. (For context, when we first met and even all the way through our first year and a half of marriage, he didn’t drink) now he’s a really good man who on paper does all that he’s “supposed” to do. But after having our son he spiraled out (saying he was experiencing PPD) and the drinking was daily. He is 2 weeks sober, and has constantly apologized, and constantly tells me how much he appreciates me and my patience, and that “I’m the perfect wife” (which I hate) but honestly I’m so far removed from him emotionally now and I’m struggling to find a way to soften my heart towards him. It’s like he’s a completely different person from the man I met and married. When we first met he was fun and open to new experiences and loved to celebrate the small things just as much as me, but now, he always wants to be home having “family tv time”, and he “doesn’t believe in holidays” and thinks the everyday routine is “romantic”. Idk…I’m trying to find my way back to him so we don’t just end up as married roommates but ughhh I need help.

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It sounds like it’s been really tough on you both. Men do experience PPD too but sounds like there could be more deep routed issues. I personally would suggest individual and couples counselling to have a safe space to openly discuss your feelings and concerns and someone to help address them and support you in finding solutions x

You both need to give each other time. He can’t assume an apology is going to fix the damage he’s done. And you need to remember he’s only two weeks into sobriety and it will take time to trust again and let the anger subside. Explain to him you want actions. Prove you’re sorry, don’t say it. Explain what you need vs what he thinks he should be doing. You want your normal back, he wants to keep the same habits he’s had minus the drinking. If he has anxiety he needs to get treatment from a professional. Anxiety doesn’t just go away and he needs to understand that. The second it rages its head again he’s going to turn to drinking to calm it. Treat the underlying mental health issue so he doesn’t need to self medicate. Otherwise this is going to be a song and dance for you every time life gets “hard.”

It's normal and it takes awhile for hormones to regulate. I found hormonal birth control helps a lot but my dissipated on its own by pp month 5

You could send him a picture of himself sitting alone, open-mouthed on the couch watching TV that says "this is not romantic", but I think you'd do better to schedule some outings and bring some things you'd find enjoyable to do into the home. Men can also struggle with who they are after having kids. Talk about your goals, short term and long term, so you can grow together rather than apart. It sounds like he's trying, but has more room to improve. The idea that family tv time is romantic may be coming from thoughts about his family, childhood, or even from television (if so, that's some great marketing there, ha!). He might find "celebrating" the small things puts his sobriety at risk right now. This is a great time to talk about what you want to do and change now that you have your own family and what kind of "romantic" traditions you'd like to create together, and what celebrating sober might look like.

Is he open to individual therapy and couples therapy?

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