How long is too long?

If I was engaged I would not want to wait more than 5 years to get married

Personally, if I wasn't married, my kids would have my last name. For me, I refused to have kids at all until we were married, but I also didn't really want to have kids until I met my now husband.

yeah she said she wouldnt have given them his last name if she wouldve realized he was just saying anything to keep her around. He promised her marriage, they were engaged, so she gave them his last name so they would all match after marriage. But of course he wont follow through and actually take her to the court house.

I've been engaged for 2 years so far. I eventually want to get married however if I don't it doesnt bother me. I know my last name being different to our two kids and my partner doesnt bother me. And I know my partner is here with me for the long haul so whether its 2, 5, 10, 20+ it honestly doesnt bother me and don't think there is such a thing as too long. X

I met my now husband when I was 21 we got engaged on our 7 yr anniversary and got married after 9 yrs. For us we both knew we wanted to get married but money was the biggest thing. He had no money for ring or wedding and we were living paycheck to paycheck. And we both wanted a big wedding. Once my husband got a decent paying job I gave him a year to save and propose. Which he did. I just needed to see that money wasn’t an excuse and he was true to his words.

I think I would just ask him if he wants to marry her and if so whats holding him back?

maybe could try couples therapy if he’s not being transparent and truthful to try to get to the root of the real reason.

My parents got married in 2019 after 30 years together and are so happy together! Takes all sorts :)

I honestly think it depends on the person. If she wants to be married she needs to set a boundary and hold firm to it....possibly do some counseling as well. But I don't think marriage is a necessity to everyone. Personally, I wouldn't care one way or the other. We are getting married because my partner wants to, but it won't change anything for us.

If it's important to her and he's blatantly ignoring her and dragging his feet, its time to leave. I spent 7 years with my ex. He talked about marriage at the beginning but gradually stopped. When I told him it was important to me and he needed "reasons" to back up my feelings, I ended the relationship.

My husband and I were together for 9 years before getting engaged, but were married within 6 months and having first baby around our 3rd wedding anniversary in a few weeks time! We had both been engaged in the past for the wrong reasons and were both very keen to work on ourselves before getting married. We were living together with a shared mortgage after 2 years together though. In our situation it was a mutual decision but it sounds like she needs more than what he’s willing to give her 😟

The way I see it is if you’ve been with a guy for 5+ years, you’re reaching your 30s, AND ESPECIALLY if you have kids, you need to be married. If he won’t marry you after all that then it’s pretty clear he’s just biding his time before a way out presents itself

In the context of this question, I vote you should stay out of it. Whatever advice you give the odds are she's going to stay with him and then you'll be cut off as the acquaintance who said she should leave her man. I think deep down she knows she shouldn't have to beg for someone to make that commitment to her and probably has heard the same from other people. If you're only talking and not close friends you're better off saying it's a tough situation and you're there if she needs someone to talk to.

It's probably not a commitment issue at all. It's probably a cost issue, or a confidence issue. They've been together longer than most married people on here. A paper doesn't make your commitment any deeper than the actual time they've spent as a family.

However if she really wants to get married she needs to figure out what the hold up is. It could just be the stress of throwing a wedding etc, the financial burden of ring, wedding etc. Trying to time it into life is hard.

I don’t think there is necessarily a time limit - we were together 10 years before we got married. It was a common goal, but other things took priority in our lives.

I think it totally depends on why he’s in no rush.

They may never marry :(

Oh. I understood “in relationship” and voted >4 years. But if they have been engaged, I’d say >2 years is getting too long, especially if there are kids already.

I’ve been with my partner for 11 years! He had two daughters coming in and now we have a son together. I personally don’t want to get married! What does a piece of paper do for me that we don’t already do? We make more money not being married 🤷🏻‍♀️ I prefer it that way, if I change my mind in the future we will get married but until then we are very content! And it’s my preference to not be married, not his!

Personally it wouldn't bother me as I don't really want to get married anyway but if I expressed I did and we was engaged I would be expecting to be married a lot sooner than 10 years

Depends on the relationship. Me and my man were together 11 years before we got engaged, we won't be married until after our 13 year anniversary. We got together when we were 20, so marriage wasn't really a thought until we were like 27, then we decided to have a baby and buy our house. Marriage isn't really important to me, and my thought was always that we'd do it when it was right. We're going to be together forever (hopefully), so I didn't feel the need to rush. He has proven to me how committed he is by the way he treats me and cares for our family. But again, it depends on the couple. I've know quite a few people who have been married, divorced and married again in the time we've been together lol.

I was engaged for 5 years old, almost 6. We got married in 2022 on our 6 years anniversary. Last month, we celebrated 9 years together, 3 years married and have two kids.

My brother celebrated 19 years with his wife this month . Got married on their 16th anniversary and has 3 kids.

we did almost the same thing! We got married on the first anniversary of our first date.

I think being married and the relationship itself are separate things. There can be pros and cons to being married. I would focus more on the relationship if it was my friend. Is there a larger pattern of her wanting something for their family and him resisting? Like moving to a better neighborhood for example, and he just generally doesn’t take her seriously? Or little things, if she asks him to take the trash out does he do it? Some people are just kind of lazy resisters in general and don’t want to do anything. If he’s being a good partner in all other areas then maybe he has a more specific reason for not wanting to get married and they just need to get on the same page. Basically if she’s on an island being super woman and he is just resisting everything, I would definitely urge her to get to therapy asap because they have a much larger issue and she honestly might not want to marry him anyway. So depends on what the situation is.

I was married within a year of being with my husband. But we knew what we wanted. And I feel like men act when they feel like they want something. Personally I think he’d look at the situation like: she’s already doing all the wife duties. What’s the need to legally get married?

Me and my partner have been together coming up 11 years this year and have 2 children together. We are not married and are happy as we are 🥰

My dad and stepmom were together for 11 years before he proposed and 14 years before they were married. They’re the happiest couple I’ve known. My dad had me 3 years before meeting my stepmom and they have a daughter together. Both of their names were on the title of the house they bought before marriage and they always introduced one another as husband & wife. They waited so long because they were broke and just had so many other things going on in life. The piece of paper wasn’t really important to them until my sister asked her mom why they had different last names. However, my husband and I were married after 6 months of knowing each other. It entirely depends on the relationship and their individual circumstances. Marriage also has different significance to people.

We were together 7 years before he proposed, then got pregnant and got married while I was pregnant lol it wasn’t terribly important for either one of us and we talked about marriage for a long time as something that would happen but we were both comfortable.

I think if one of the people in the relationship finds it very important the other should strongly consider why they aren’t wanting to. Two kids is a big commitment. Is your fired asking him why? Does he have actual reasons?

🤷🏾‍♀️ I've been with my now husband since we were 16 and 17 we didn't marry until 29/30 when we saw the value in it. I wouldn't tell someone that 13 years is an acceptable time to wait but also can't assume every woman is waiting to be a wife

me too ! We’ve been together for almost 3 years and by our second wedding anniversary our baby will be born

I told my now husband I wasn't waiting around. He should know by 2 years whether or not he wants to marry me. So he knew my priority and I said I wasn't having any kids until there was a ring on my finger. We started dating in October 2017 and he proposed in April of 2019 and we married in October 2019. I wasn't waiting much longer than 2 years.

My friend recently finally ended things with her baby daddy. Same kind of situation…together 10-ish years, two little kids & no matter how much she hinted to wanting to get engaged, he never proposed. She’s so much happier without him, but also grieving the time she wasted on him. I would think by this point, if he hasn’t proposed to her, he isn’t going to. 😢

Some people just don’t want to get married? 🫠 having children is a lifetime commitment and buying a property etc involves more commitment than any marriage license will 😂

I would leave. A lot of men give a ring just to get a girl to shut up about it basically. Personally I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t care for marriage, let alone have kids with them. But if I was in her shoes, you wouldn’t find me begging no man to marry me. If he cannot see the value in making her a wife especially after she gave him kids (literally being between life and death to do so) I wouldn’t wait 10 years.
So many good men out here that would marry in a shorter time and that want to be married.
You can’t force someone to do something they don’t value in the first place.

She’s very patient! We got married a couple days before our 1 year anniversary and are so happy. My husband was in a relationship for 8 years before me and they obviously went nowhere. I would never wait that long. I was in a relationship for 3 years before him before I realized he had commitment issues and that was going nowhere fast and I walked away. But it all worked out because now I have my husband and he’s the best husband and father I could have asked for. I feel sorry for her. Sucks to be in that position. At this point, I wouldn’t want to marry that guy. He clearly doesn’t want it.

💯💯💯

Personally, me and my man have been together about 6 years, we have 3 kids, and we have also had 3 miscarriages as well. All our kids have his last name and I of course wanted to get married eventually. I never really pushed it other than at some point I just want a ring🤣 because I knew he had some things to work through before we made that step. Before me, he was engaged to his ex and he actually walked in on her cheating on him so I think deep down he was just scared of making the commitment again (yeah yeah kids are a commitment) he’s a great dad and I think his trauma of that made him feel like if we don’t get engaged and I mess up he can just walk away and really only have to be there for our kids in a way. BUT, he apparently has been putting in the work because we got engaged in March, and getting married next week! So idk. I didn’t really need marriage. I was becoming okay with how things are. But he surprised me 🤣

Also, his dad has been married like 3 times, so that also didn’t help him and even though my parents have been married like 32 years I’ve wondered why my parents were together sometimes because it wasn’t always pretty and my sister didn’t stay married long so I’ve kinda had a lot of ups and downs with views of marriage too so I always knew I wanted kids. But wasn’t sure about marriage haha

Why can't she just change her name if she really wants to have the same one as her kids? That's what I did with my ex! I'm engaged to my now partner and our baby has his last name. We would like to get married within the next 5 years, but it's no biggie if we don't x

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We aren’t religious. Not sure if we’d ever get married. If we’re happy anyway I don’t see why spending thousands of pounds makes any difference. It would be nice to have a party though

There is no too long, some people just don't get married and that's fine. Getting married isn't mandatory

This is soooo dependant on the situation! My husband and I were together for 10 years before getting married. But we started dating at 16 and married at 26 so when you factor in age we got married relatively young! He told me he is ready to get married whenever I want (when we were 20) and to let him know when I'm ready. And when I felt like I had established myself and my career as an individual, I said I'm ready! And he proposed 4 months later 😊 so it's hard to say! But I'd say if they have two kids (been together at least 4 years?) and she has strongly voiced, she would like to be married, and he is dragging his feet there is probably a reason on his end and it sounds like they need to have a sit down convo and get on the same page about their future...

Me and my partner have been together 12 years this year unmarried, but got together when we were 16/17 so we both know were for each other but his parents arent married so he doesnt really see the point but i think this year might be the year 😅

Marriage is just a peice of paper inwas married for 7 years out of 12 . Met my partner i know her love me and I love him we both agrees. It's just a peice of paper and after my first divorce. We are ok with that. If you getting married just so you can have that peice of paper may need to rethink that real reason your getting .married

My husband and I have been together for 5 years before he proposed and it still took 3 years to get married.🙃 I made it very clear in the beginning that I wanted to get married but soon realized we wanted to go about it in different ways. He wanted to wait until ducks were in a row. And I wanted to as soon as possible. Looking back I'm glad we took our time but it all depends on what was discussed and how long she's willing to wait.
Were going on 10 years this year !

Is he saying no to a giant party or no to a trip to the courthouse?

A giant wedding? I diddnt want that either, and the cost for the tiny one we did have was pretty brutal.

No to a courthouse wedding tho? If a date wasnt set in a year id be looking for my own place. Poor girl, can she get her kids last names changed atleast?

Been with my partner for 10 years and engaged for 5 but we cannot afford to get married at the moment 🤣

There's no advice that you could give her besides stop all that begging. Seems like she made her bed.. leaving will upset the kids' foundation, so if the relationship is good, then maybe...🤷🏾‍♀️

I don't think it's an essential part of a relationship tbh.
My partner knew I really wanted to get married one day and he was never sure but I decided that I'd rather be with him and not married than be without him so was happy with that.
He proposed unexpectedly to me after 8 years, just before we bought our first house. Married 2 years later and we'll be celebrating 4 years married later this year.