Am I being fair?

I found out a day ago my ex/friend of 11years had passed away, To give an honest answer we were friends, then were together for 5years, mutually ended, stayed close friends/worked together for 2years then I moved jobs & the last 2.5years we have not really spoke more general congratulations messages/happy birthday, we had both moved on in new relationships, we were happy for each-other, it just faded naturally. I am a very empathetic person, my ex went through some mental health issues when we were together and I found out he had a few months ago as his sister randomly reached out to me, to ask if he’d been to mine(as he use to live there with me) and since then I’ve spoke on off with his sister (not him), he was going through cancer and I even sent him a care package to help with recovery again no contact with him, I passed it on to his sister as a good will gesture, The friendship, love and respect I had for this man I’ve never felt with anyone else, I honestly think he was my soulmate in friendship I could just be myself! & I got on well with his sister & mum, they still wish me a happy birthday and occasionally comment on my posts! His sister rang me to tell me he had past I didn’t expect it and was actually driving home from a mini holiday but at the time I wept a little in shock but I had to concentrate & be mum so I brushed it aside, didn’t sleep last night while seeing to my toddler who’s unwell etc, then today I started a new job so had to focus again & tbh I’ve been on off crying all day mainly when my friends or family have been reaching out to me. My partner has been very kind to me last night and this morning but since this evening he has gone very hostile with me, I calmly asked him if he was annoyed with me, he said yes, that I was giving him “red flags” and why would I be so upset over an ex… he words were “over a dead man.” It hurt me but I feel like he feels threatened tbh and I sat and wanted to reassure him and validate his feelings not that he responded well^ I’ve been nothing but clear to him, he knew it was my longest relationship, that we were friends first & after, but had stopped messaging in 2022 & he knows that his sister was reaching out to me(not vice versa) I understand him being a-bit annoyed/its probably upsetting him seeing me upset over someone else but I don’t think he should say I’m giving red flags and I’m questionable… it’s making me feel worse tbh, I’ve been honest and I’ve checked in with him, but I am grieving a friend that I genuinely cared about and I’ve never had many genuine friends in my life I am abit of a loner tbh so connections are rare and mean a lot to me, I’m currently sat in bed too cause my partner won’t even look at me, I’ve stopped crying cause I just feel deflated, I just want to ask strangers if I’ve been fair or should I not cried infront of my partner and just avoided him today to spare his feelings, I just kept asking for hugs from him tbh

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It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. But it seems only human, if immature, for him to feel jealous, even though it's nonsensical towards a recently passed ex. Your partner should have the good grace to let you grieve, and understand what I assume is you also just being shook by the early death of someone. Even if it were a platonic relationship, you'd be shook. Forgive yourself for an honest response. Talk to a friend if your sadness for another man passing is confusing for your partner. But don't pull away from your partner, otherwise he'll go into overtime with unhelpful overthinking. I hope you're okay

Word to the wise. Never tell a man about another man if he's not your dad.I've been with my husband 17 years and I only brought up one other man other than my own father . My ex bf/bd passed away recently and I didn't know... I only found out much later ... I was slightly hurt but not heartbroken like you were..I know better than to cry in front of my man(or any man) about another man I was sexually involved with. Men don't think the same way women do. They don't appreciate it at all. And you must use empathy and common sense I feel like you could have definitely saved your emotions&tears to share with his sister not your partner. ... You should know your man well enough to understand his emotional intelligence or lack there of. Most men would not appreciate their girl boohoo crying over an ex dead or alive .. Just like I am sure you would not be keen on him showing deep affection and getting emotional over a woman that he's not with anymore

if you can't cry about your friend's passing simply because he's a man, then what kind of relationship do you really have 😭

I remember a life time ago, a male friend of mine was killed tragically(mistaken identity) and the guy who was courting me at the time when I told him in grief literally responded “okay but I’m not the one who killed him so why are you so moody” lol. Have never spoken to him since that day. I know a lot of women on this app say stop making excuses for men but it’s literally just plain and simple that men are just NOT emotional creatures and your OH did try to sympathise but they really just don’t have it in them to sustain that sympathy especially when it involves another man that you loved and had sexual relations with. You have absolutely don’t nothing wrong AT ALL. And I’m so sorry you’re going through all this and I hope you and your OH can work past it as he really needs to be more understanding with you, he’s meant to be your safe space and may your friend rest in perfect peace 🩵

It was very hurtful of your partner to say this, but if you have it in you, respond with grace - “I just need some space to grieve a friend who was important to me. This doesn’t mean I love you any less”

Jealous over a deceased man......wow. Sorry for your loss but ensure you grieve you are not wrong!

It’s absolutely ok to grieve your friend and your partner should be supportive of this. He’s the red flag for being jealous and dismissing your feelings. Sorry for your loss 😢

I'm sorry, but your partner is being an arsehole! Why TF is he jealous of a dead man, that's insane! It is perfectly OK for you to grieve for this person, he was someone who was once important in your life and you never fell out as such, so why shouldn't you grieve! If my ex died tomorrow I would absolutely be upset, but it wouldn't be because I still harbor feelings.

I really appreciate all the kind messages, I’ve also never lost someone close to me before so have been struggling with it as I feel emotions so deeply & morning when I’m alone, Another question I have is my partner hasn’t spoke to me properly since Sunday night he won’t even really look at me even though I pretend I’m completely fine around him, do I just leave him to it? X

Personally I would leave him to it, you should never be treated badly for mourning. Thats just unkind. But then again if you’re wanting to fast track the peace, you could try speaking to him about his feelings xx

Definitely leave him to it, don't even entertain it, wanker.

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