Is there a nice way to tell someone you feel like you've outgrown a friendship?

Personally, I would send a short polite message, say I'm grateful for the times we've enjoyed and wish her the best but our friendship has become something unpleasant and I wish to move forward from it. Then I would block immediately, because it sounds like she's the sort of person to be nasty and try to hurt your feelings.

I would do one more act of true friendship and point these things out in a respectful manner. Chances are she will not listen. But the goal is for her to grow going forward hopefully. But she will not perceive them as nice and will accuse you of all sorts of things Just ignore it and don’t try and defend yourself. Stick to what you are there for and explain that these are issues in which you have to set boundaries and you are no longer interested in spending time together while these issues are present.

@Janis you're absolutely right, she won't take it well. In the example of her making body comments, she's made the one of me not having a butt on at least 4 seperate occasions. The one that happened right after I had my second child she followed it up by telling me that my boobs were huge (I was breastfeeding at the time). She made it again a couple months later and I told her it was rude, I'm aware that I lack a good looking rear end, it bothers me sometimes, and those comments are uncalled for. She tried to tell me that it wasn't that bad, and at least she complimented my boobs right after. Zero accountability for it.

You can say it in the most perfect kindest way possible & they’d still take it offensively. Their reaction to you is a reflection of them; your response to them is an awareness of you. Say it in the best way you possibly can & however they react will be a reflection of exactly why you’ve outgrown them but their healing is not your responsibility & it’s okay to let go of any relationships that are no longer serving you in the season of your life you’re in.

I don’t think you owe her any sort of explanation. She’s grown, she can figure it out. If she outright asks you and you feel like you have the energy to talk with her about the issues then sure, explain away. But I don’t think there is any reason to have a conversation unless you just want to 🤷‍♀️ Also, good for you recognizing that your space and your time are precious and deciding to distance yourself from a situation that doesn’t align with your values. This will free you up to welcome new friends and experiences that are more on your wavelength!

If it was me, I’d write a message out along the lines of I hope you are doing well, after a lot of self reflect, I feel our lives are moving in different directions. Keep it sort and sweet, and like others have said the person reaction will be on how they are feeling at the time of reading the message, it’s not a reflection of you.

While you're moving forward with your lifestyle and family goals the less time you will have to socialize with her. The friendship will fade naturally without needing to tell her. Soon enough she will find other drinking buddy's. But if it's important to you for the need to explain. Then go for it.

I think it's important to let someone know what broke the friendship up, if at least to help them grow as a person. If they're willing to recognize that they were wrong and apologize, I might just back away some but keep the friendship open, just not as close, setting boundaries. I really like everything @Janis said. I have experienced losing 2 friendships and not knowing why. I have an idea with one, but not so much the other because we were good and after a while of both of us just getting busy with life, we met up for lunch and continued texting until one day she just didn't message back. She never did answer me after that. I looked back through our messages and tried to think of everything I could think of but never could understand what happened. It really hurt me. ...... My other lost friend in next comment for word limit. 😬 It's pretty funny actually...

After reading some of the shit she's said to you, she really doesn't deserve your friendship at all or an explanation, you should either ghost her or just flat out tell her the things she says are hurtful and you are done being her friend

(pt 2) 🫠...Another friend I lost was a childhood friend. We would go a year or so without talking sometimes as new adults and not living nearby anymore. I called her after a year or so of not talking. We talked a long time, then before we got off the phone I told her I had called her because I had a dream about her that morning and thought I should see how she was doing. She asked what my dream was about... 🫣 I said I had dreamt she was having a baby. Well, she was very shocked! She said she had just taken a pregnancy test that morning and found out she was pregnant and she hadn't even told her husband yet. 😳 Oh! Well, uhhh.... Wow! 🤯 Another year later, I finally got Facebook about a year or 2 after everyone else. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She blocked my friend request and I've never gotten a response from her. I guess she thought I was a witch or something...? 🧹 I don't even know! I really wish both of those friends would have just been upfront with me about their feelings. 😔

And I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know it's rough and I admire that you're wanting to break off the friendship kindly. It really doesn't sound like she's good to be around. She sounds very toxic. I'm sorry she's treated you that way. She deserves to know the damage she's done and hopefully she can at some point mature from it. Best of luck! 🩵

Maybe just stop texting her first. Give her lackluster responses till she stops message you?

You really seem to want to have that chat with her. In that case, I would have the conversation with her in a kind way to give her a chance to have some self reflection. There are some people who are genuinely unaware or can't tune to what someone else is comfortable with. There is a fair chance she will feel attacked and not take it well. If you are OK going through that uncomfortable interaction, have a chat. Otherwise just be unavailable whenever she reaches out and let the relationship fade.

I don't think I'd tell her in a nice way tbh, as she honestly sounds horrible and rude AF! I'd tell her that I don't want to be her friend anymore, as quite frankly she doesn't bring anything positive to my life, nor make me feel good! Then I'd block her!

Sounds very toxic, I had someone similar in my life...I would keep distance, you don't need her in your life for sure...they are very jealous type of people

She sounds awful

@seo I kind of have. I no longer reach out to her. I'll answer if she texts me, but usually only a few times before I stop, and I keep the responses short.

The main reason I've posted and asked this is because she has invited us (myself, husband and my two children) to her daughter's birthday party at the end of next month. I told her we would try to be there (just to be polite), but that it's right in the middle of nap time, which it genuinely is. I asked another friend what she would do, and she said to send my husband with a gift while I stay home with the kids while they nap. But I don't know if that reinforces that we wanted to be there when we don't. She claims that she understands the nap time predicament, but would appreciate it if we could be there. This isn't the first time she's planned something during naps though, so when she said she understood the issue, I wanted to yell "do you really though?!"

She planned an outing for my birthday to a arcade, mini golf, bowling type place. Very kid friendly, which is always appreciated. The issue was that it was during nap, which she knew but insisted on that specific time. So we let the toddler skip his nap (the baby napped in the car so he was good). It was a disaster from start to finish. Toddler was cranky, throwing tantrums the entire time. She picked for us to play mini golf first, then bowling. When bowling was finally over, I thought I could distract my toddler with the arcade, as he's been wanting to go play there the entire time. She paid for a second round of bowling without asking! The entire time they are bowling, they are drinking. Apparently this place had a hidden bar. She had like 4 or 5 of the tall beers within an hour. We finally just said we needed to leave. She said "oh, okay then. I guess I just forgot what no nap is like. [Childs name] stopped taking naps at like 2." *glare at my toddler, who is 3, then at me like I'm doing something wrong*.

I totally support your decision to end the friendship and think the way she has spoken to you is extremely unkind and uncalled for, but it may be worth trying to have a conversation for your own piece of mind. Also, not to excuse her behaviour, but more if it helps with the hurt you must feel, to me she sounds really unhappy. It sounds like things aren’t good in her marriage. Also the heavy drinking suggests she isn’t happy and is drinking to escape from her life. Also, could it be that she didn’t change her mind about having a second child but maybe she couldn’t have one? Either for physical reasons or because her husband changed his mind. The first and second points suggest that to me, that she was struggling with jealousy over you having a second. You also said she seemed a nice and kind person before, so it seems like something has changed. Again it doesn’t excuse her behaviour at all, but it sounds like extreme jealousy of you shes struggling with x

I recently had to this with a high school friend, the friendship ran its course unfortunately

@Hannah I completely agree with you, I believe she is miserable. And she becomes hateful to try and deal with it. To an extent I get it, and have tolerated it for a while now. But trying to make me feel bad for lifestyle changes isn't okay. Misery loves company, and I don't want to be her company at this point.

To me it is clear she is not the best company. But you also seem to struggle to let this relationship go. Why? It will also be good to think about why you haven't set firm boundaries with her before where a no, means no. For example... “that's a lovely idea, thank you, but I can't go to the arcade at that time”... No explanation needed. If she gives advice on your parenting, respond... “I am good, we handle it differently”.

@𝔾𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕖 I haven't let the friendship go yet because my husband is friends with her husband, and has been for many years, since before he married her. I'm worried that cutting ties with her will result ending my and her husband's friendship as well. I tried to tell her no. But she's the kind of person that will either pester you until you give her what she wants, or gets super angry if you try to change plans on her. I told her I'd love to go but needed to change the time. She started listing all these stupid reasons why it HAD to be at 1pm (naps start at 12). I was on the phone with her for an hour listening to her nag me about coming at that specific time. Which made no sense to me, if she planned it for MY birthday then shouldn't it happen when it's easiest for me??

@Jenna how annoying. If she is pestering you, then you say "no, I can't, sorry I have to go now" and end the conversation or move it via text where you can ignore her easily. You don't have to agree to anything so I still think you might be struggling with setting boundaries with her. I see how it could affect your husband's friendship and in this case I would distance myself without having the chat. You could fill up your agenda with activities where you are unlikely to encounter her and tell her you are unavailable every time she wants to meet. Let your husband go by himself to any group gatherings.

@𝔾𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕖 I definitely do struggle with boundaries. I've been a chronic people pleaser my entire life. Lots of siblings that I had to play peace keeper for, so I learned quickly to just do what was necessary to keep everyone happy. I'm trying to undo that way of thinking, but its a slow process. Even the most reasonable boundary feels harsh. Thats why another friend suggested that I have my husband take a gift for her daughters party, but that the kids and I don't go. But I don't know if getting a gift reinforces that we "wanted to be there" when we really don't.

@Jenna you might be overthinking it. There is nothing wrong with your husband taking a gift, even attending with your children if you think they will have fun. You don't have to come together to every reunion if you don't feel like it. Have you discussed with your husband how you feel about her?

@𝔾𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕖 I'm bad at over thinking things.. its a fault I'm also trying to work on. We have discussed it numerous times. He agrees that she isn't very considerate or kind, he hates rhe way she speaks to her husband (his friend), and says that she stresses him out when she's around, which I've said also. He's completely okay with me not hanging out with her anymore, but he's worried she will keep her husband from hanging out with him, because she's super controlling over him. So I'm trying to navigate my own sanity and not making my husband lose a friend he's had since he was a teen.