I don’t trust my husband

I found out I was pregnant just a couple of months into dating my now-husband. From the moment we got together, I cut off all communication with other guys because I wanted to take our relationship seriously. But I later discovered that he was still talking to other women. The first time I found out, I was devastated. I confronted him, and he apologized, saying it was only over text and didn’t mean anything. Then it happened again. I was heartbroken and ended things with him, but shortly after, I found out I was pregnant. We ended up getting back together. Unfortunately, during my pregnancy, he repeated the same behavior. I told him I didn’t trust him anymore. He apologized again and admitted he had a "problem." At that point, I felt completely done with the relationship, but I also didn’t want my child to grow up in a broken home like I did. Eventually, he proposed, and honestly, it felt like he did it out of fear that I’d leave, not necessarily because he was ready. We got married earlier this year after our baby was born, and to his credit, things have been good since then. He treats me well and shows me love every day. But I still struggle with trusting him. I secretly check his phone because I want to catch anything before he has a chance to hide it—but I haven’t found anything. Still, my mind won’t rest. I don’t know if it’s the trauma from everything that happened before, or if my gut is trying to tell me something. I want to move forward, but I’m stuck between what I feel and what I see. I don’t know how to handle these feelings or rebuild the trust fully. Any advice?

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Marriage counseling is a good place to start. Hope everything gets better 🫶🏽

That’s horrible 😞 I went through a similar situation after being together 5 years I found out there were so many lies and hidden things going on behind my back talking to girls, paying for online content, paying women, & meeting up. Like you I tried to go on initially as didn’t realise the extent, only to find more lies. My suspicions were up and wasn’t sure if it was just me but turned out, I was right not to trust him! I had to go full investigation mode which drove me a bit crazy but I’m g’ad I did as now left 5 years ago and couldn’t be happier with my decision!! Now with a partner that I genuinely trust and it’s taken a while to get there but I don’t have the same doubts I had throughout the other relationship. Hope you find a way forward for you, it’s hard but I don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him as he’s lied and continued to hide things from you. Here if you need to chat x

Trust your guts .

@Charlotte Thank you so much! I’m so sorry you went through that but I’m glad that you left and you are now happy🫶🏼

When I say marriage counselling is a great place to start!

If he has a problem he needs to be doing something about that problem. It doesn’t just go away and therapy won’t always work. Sounds like he’s referencing some kind of sex/porn addiction if I’m being honest. My partner has the same and attends SAA meetings every week. It’s been life changing for both of us x

@Sarah agreed this was what my ex had and I couldn’t cope with it in the end, always second guessing. Not about that life & feels like an excuse. I know it feels like the end of the world now but whatever you choose for you, listen to what you need and you will honestly come out of it stronger in the end . You have to do what’s right for you xx

So sorry you feel this way .. not to make you feel worse but I feel like he’s not changed and never will

@Crystal stole the words from my fingers! Haha definitely do some counseling🤍

He cheated 3x... and you caught him. Then you married him. And he "hasn't cheated". I don't personally believe that he hasn't. He's a habitual offender and it's just a matter of when. I'm saying this as someone who doesn't believe that once a cheater always a cheater... for the rest of their life . I do believe once a person cheats on their person that they are more likely to do it again to me. You knew what he was and chose to marry him regardless so I'm not going to tell you to get a divorce. You want to move forward with him and I think marriage counseling and individual counseling would be the best way to move forward in getting some sort of resolution.

It's the trauma. If you really want this to work you need to let go of that part of yourself that is in survival mode or you will end up going crazy and pushing him away. Stay busy. Control the urge to look at his phone because being able to whenever you want is not going to help you trust again. Just do it if you have a suspicion. It's really really hard but it doesn't stay this way forever. If he's putting in the work then you need to too(I know you're not the one who fucked up and it's not fair for u to have to put in the work) the reality of it is, YOU will have to work the hardest to get over this. And that's asking A LOT. Make sure he knows that. You're allowed to be triggered. You're allowed to act irrational because of the trauma but remember it's not forever. And he is not your enemy (unless you decide it's not worth it) you're only enemy right now is you trying making sure you're safe and building those walls.

@Jennifer Ramirez thank you so much, this helps a lot!!

I definitely recommend both couples counselling and individual therapy. I'm going to be harsh, but an unhappy marriage is worse for a child than parents who live separately. Most of the time, anyway. None of this sounds healthy, at all.

@Hannah responses like this also tend to be unhealthy.

@Jennifer Ramirez, I disagree, but thank you for responding. I will change it, though, as part of what I said is unnecessary.

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