Just need to vent
Show your support
Your way to constantly reach out to people who can’t be bothered to make any sort of meaningful efforts. **Speaking as someone who is VERY LC with majority of My Mother’s side INCLUDING her. I too live a flight away from my family & try my best to reach home at least once each year on average. NOBODY has come to visit me & my lil fam aside from my Dad. My MIL comes at least TWICE each year & the rest of the immediate IL’s try to come at least once every year or every other year. Travel is expensive. People have jobs, children & lives of their own with ups, downs & all arounds... Everyone should do their best to get in where they fit in & cherish the granted time & memories.
I was active duty which brought me across the country. I wouldn’t have an expectation at all if my parents didn’t set that expectation. We certainly don’t need more help with the kids, we have more help from my in-laws than we know what to do with sometimes (plus the option of full time day care). It just hurts that my mom put pressure on me since I was 18 years old to have children and now that I have them she says all the things to make me think she wants to be involved and has absolutely no follow through. I didn’t add to the original post, but my brother has kids who my parents are not allowed to see (my brother has his reasons) but my parents bend over backward to try and have a relationship with them despite that. I’m certain that if it was my brother who lived out of state the level of effort would be very different. It’s not about wanting or needing more help, it’s about genuinely wishing I and my kids had a relationship with my parents.
It must be hard to live so far from your mom. ❤️ Do you have siblings or other people near her that can keep an eye on how she's doing? She's probably feeling the effects of aging more than you know and more than she's letting on. It probably is getting noticeably harder for her to travel and (if she hasn't always been like this) her thinking may be getting more disorganized. Try not to take the excuses personally and just travel to see her. It's hard with kids, but it's hard for older folks too. 😕 I wouldn't jump to doubting the sincerity of her affection. She may not actually be able to comfortably make the trip anymore and be giving any excuse to avoid having to say that out loud. Depending on how she's doing financially, maybe she could help pay for you to come out to see her more to at least make that part easier for you. It is good you have healthy and involved in laws, but you'll always need your mom.
I feel this My mom is retirees and could technically come any time during the year. We on the other hand have limited PTO. Yet, she has no plans to ever come visit, because she doesn’t fly. But what hurt me the most was when she asked why I was thinking of visiting home in November. I told her I would like to attend out neighbors 100. birthday (how often do you meet someone who turns 100? And she is such a sweet lady), and that I would like to introduce my baby in person. Her reply? I have already seen her via FaceTime….
@Eileen this was so sad to read. I’m sorry and feel for you ❤️🩹
@Bonny all very good points. She’s still very active but I can see how traveling could be tough. I do wish she’d just be honest about her reasoning though. It would make it a lot easier for me to process her lack of presence. My brother lives nearby my parents but they have a very strained relationship. Thanks for putting the aging into perspective. I guess I hadn’t given it that much consideration. It’s weird to think of my parents as “old” because I’m the age they were when I was a kid and sometimes it’s hard to process just how much time has passed!
@Eileen oh my gosh! That would kill me! 😭 and yes my mom has never worked so she has no actual obligations, while we are managing (soon to be) 2 young children and full time jobs with limited PTO. Of course if I had more opportunity to travel I would but its just not in the cards!
Yeah, I didn’t even tell my husband about it I try to tell me that she didn’t mean it that way, but rather said it in a way to tell us we should save the money Flying would cost about $2,000 but we could easily afford it. We only spend about 50% of our income She usually is super hands on, and very carrying. Whenever we at her place she does so much to a point where it gets to much. But she also has health issues, so traveling would be hard on her It’s hard to focus on her meaning well, but we usually have a great relationship.
Same problem with my mother. We are all alone mothers now, mine didn't see love from her mother, so that is that ;/
The less expectations you have on/of others the less times you can be let down! Your Mother has shown through her actions that helping/visiting you & your family are not high on her list of priorities so proceed accordingly & STOP expecting better. Have a serious conversation about your feelings then LET IT GO. Alternatively…. & on a more tough love note: I’m not sure your reasoning for living so far away from her if you want(ed) her more involved in You & your child’s life?? It’s TOUGH not being close (literally & figuratively)to your family but this seems to be the life you’re choosing. If you have one child whom you wish you had more help with then why get pregnant again?? If your inlaws are so amazing why not look on the bright side & focus on them/ you & your baby relationship with them. Your Tribe is choosing you so don’t be afraid to CHOOSE THEM BACK. Make sure your Mom & other family members know the door is (always?) open for visits & communication but don’t go out of