Coping with newborn and toddler alone

I’m really struggling to split myself in 2 with my 5 week old and 2 year old (3 in July). My partner works away 4-6 weeks at a time and I have managed quite well with our toddler. His behaviour has always been good (as good as a toddler could be 🥲) he’s well mannered, would listen…ish and hardly acted up. Now he’s really really pushing boundaries, coughing in newborns face, kicking, hitting, pulling food out of cupboards. I feel like all my newborn does is cry, she doesn’t pass wind, she crys before/during/after feeds, she still feeds little and often. Shes a very unsettled baby so I’m struggling to give time to my toddler as I feel like all my time is going to my newborn. I didn’t think it would be this hard ☹️

Has anyone got any advice/tips/routines that have helped them when being alone. The mum guilt is extreme with my toddler I just want to be able to be a good mum to him again I feel like I’m failing him

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no advice but following for any tips and advice too. i’m not on my own just yet, but partner goes back to work on the 28th and, even tho he’ll be home and not away like your situation, he does shift work 4 days on 4 days off and the days he does work are long days, his first two days back at 8am until 7pm, and he’ll have to leave for work at 7am and won’t be back until near 8pm, i’m dreading doing those whole days by myself and don’t know how i’ll cope as i have a 3 year old who is pushing boundaries like no one’s business 😭 so defiant, rude, isn’t listening to me, tells me no. he was never like this, always well mannered, always listened, was so well behaved but these last months he’s been ruthless and seems to have gotten worse since baby arrived and i just want my sweet boy back 😭xxx

I hope everything works out okay for you when your partner does go back to work! Has your eldest got much of a routine at the moment? This is exactly my son with boundaries he comes out with some stuff and I’m in shock! I know his age doesn’t help but even 2 months ago he was not this bad. He’s went from 0-100 so fast and I’m struggling to cope. I tried to remove him today and put him at the bottom of the stairs but I stayed with him and said we’ll calm down together and he just laughed and me and said no and ran away and being on my own with a screaming new born there’s only so much I can take and give before I do give up and then he think he’s just got away with it but then I don’t want to hold a grudge for too long with him it’s so hard as he was also such a sweet sweet boy xx

my eldest had a routine that’s done slightly out the window, i want to create more of a routine for our days though, like at the moment the only real routine we have is the bedtime routine which he still plays up for. i’m thinking it might be handy to have an all day routine so like activities in the morning, maybe going for a walk once a day in the afternoon might help. him being a boy means so much energy that i need to get him out or he goes crazy at home but getting out hasn’t been entirely possible recently. we’ll get into the groove of things im sure. my one is definitely going through a phase as other mums with a child same age has said they’re struggling with their 3 year olds it seems to be universal, and yours is 2 so that would be the terrible twos people speak of 🤣 but having a new baby causing behavioural changes in children anyway. that’s the thing i feel i’m giving up sometimes too bcos the newborn needs me so i can’t spend too long trying to punish him. its hard xxx

So I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 week old.

Things I have been doing to try and give me 1 on 1 time:

Putting baby to sleep in moses basket. Letting them have sleep on me for a bit so we get the cuddles but then putting them into the moses basket for sleep. If they really won't sleep putting them in a carrier might work?

If they have a wake window then I put them on their play mat/swing/sit with us to play (rotate these 3) so again getting the 1 on 1 time or getting baby involved in play time with us.

Other things I'm doing so toddler doesnt get jealous and to try and curb unwanted behaviour is:

Never saying no when around baby. If doing something i dont like then asking them to do something else ie toddler was playing too close to babies head and pretty much squishing him. She wouldn't move so I said baby wanted a different view and moved him slightly to give them both space. She accepted this.

I let her kiss and touch and hold him as much as she wants. Never say no no matter how repetitive it is.

Let her help me as much as possible whether its handing me a bottle, giving me wipes or a nappy, etc. I got a little caddy for stuff that she can give me so she feels included.

And one that I didnt realise but think is the most important rhat another parent told me was that I now use is: "hold on baby brother its toddlers time now." I show toddle that im putting down the baby and focusing on them. I elaborate by saying to baby "I have to focus on toddler now and that's okay because I have to be toddleds mummy as well as baby's mummy because otherwise toddler would be sad wouldn't you and we wouldn't want that would we?" And then start a conversation about how much I love them and love being their mummy and then go on from there to normal mum and toddler conversations that we talk about. Then when its babies turn I do the same thing but tell toddler that its babies turn now.

The baby won't remember this. Even if they are crying and screaming. The toddler will remember if we are always with

Baby and never giving them any attention so trying to make sure I show them that im not all about the baby.

Its so hard though to balance. Im actually finding thst rhe hardest part of going from 1 to 2 and the mum guilt is so hard.

You've got this though! Be kind to yourself! ❤️

Very much in the trenches with you on this. We've had a particularly trying weekend after thinking that my 2.4 year old son had turned a leaf, but it's's been 48 hours of screaming at the slightest inconvenience and generally being a particularly unpleasant child. Trying all the different methods suggested and trying to remain reassured and positive that this too shall pass and will just be a phase.

My mum's advice to me was to ask for help from anyone you can and not feel like you are a failure for doing so.

Ah the juggle with a toddler and newborn is tough! I’ve got a 2.5yr old boy and 5 week old, and my husband works away during the week, so I’m solo parenting apart from the weekends. I’ve found bedtimes especially challenging as baby wants to cluster feed, and toddler is tired so emotions are big and he starts playing up.

A few things that I’ve been trying to do:

Getting out the house every morning. I’ve just got a double buggy as my toddler wasn’t doing very well with the buggy board, and that’s made it easier.

Setting up an activity for my toddler, like a craft, or lining up his trains, putting out a puzzle he hasn’t done in a while etc. I sort this in the evening when he’s in bed, so that it’s ready for the next day.

Narrating when I’m putting my toddler first, e.g. saying to the baby “I’m going to get X his snack now, so you’ll have to wait while I make sure he’s ok, and then it will be your turn” and vice-versa if I need my toddler to wait.

But I definitely feel the mum guilt too. I hate that my toddler isn’t getting the same attention he used to, and also hate leaving my
Newborn to cry!

I’ve been getting help where I can. I try to get to my mum’s house one day a week, and sometimes my sister in law comes over for a few hours. And not specific help with the children, but I’ve got a cleaner who comes once a fortnight, and that at least takes some load off me for keeping on top of the house!

Fingers crossed we all start to find a rhythm that works for us!

No advice really, my partner works shifts so does a mix of days, back shifts and nightshifts. I have a very similar age gap - my oldest is three in September. He’s pushing boundaries at the moment and fighting for attention. Some days he likes his little brother and other days he screams when I pick him up or feed him 🫠

My baby is a Velcro baby and doesn’t like being put down at the moment. I’ve found using a carrier a really good way of keeping baby calm and being able to spend time with my toddler.

I‘m in the same situation!
Having a newborn is tough enough but I really underestimated the struggles my toddler is going through. She’s having proper tantrums (never really experienced them with her) and crying a lot more. Can somebody please share when siblings get used to the new situation? Are they going back to „normal“ behaviour?

@Leonie how old is your newborn? We're 7 weeks in now and feel like it's slowly calming down. At first my toddler was overly interested in baby and wouldn't leave her alone but now he's not as interested and does his own thing a bit more. I had them both on my own for the first time yesterday for the whole day and it was tough because baby was feeding non stop and wanted to be held all day, but luckily we somehow managed to still play, but I did use screen time too 🫣

She’s 3 weeks! Thanks for sharing!!

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My partner and I have just had our baby girl, my 1st his 3rd. I don’t feel like he is very interested in our baby and I often have to ask for him to do things or even pick her up when she cries. He is on his phone a lot and he doesn’t pick up on her cues for being tired. I have mentioned to him already that he needs to be more involved, when I walk in he will start playing with her but I can see from a distance he’s just holding her whilst on his phone. I’m worried if I keep saying stuff he will resent being with baby even more as I have mentioned it a couple of times now. Baby is now 3 months old. I just don’t know if this is a man thing or he’s just not interested. Advice needed please.

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I’m posting as incognito because I feel a bit silly asking about this 😂 my son is nine months old with a suspected nut allergy. Tomorrow we’re going for a meal with family to a Chinese buffet. I for obvious reasons don’t want him eating from this buffet because of salt,msg and most importantly nuts (which are in A LOT of their dishes). At a buffet there is absolutely no guarantee something will be nut free as cross contamination can happen very easily. Would I be wrong to take my own food for him? None messy things like broccoli pancakes or oat muffins which I make at home for him. I also will be cleaning up his mess as I do at every place we eat at. Most of the time I let him have a little of whatever I’m having but as this is a buffet I’m not risking it.

Toddler rejecting dad - upsetting for us

This feels like a recurrent theme in my life but it’s ramped up. Our son is 2 later this month and he is getting soo dismissive of his dad. His dad has pretty delicate mental health so this hits him real hard and he tends to recoil (which we both know doesn’t help)

Last night for example was my partners term to do bedtime, however our son was getting so upset by him being put to bed by dad that I just ended up doing it.

Our son was getting so extreme that he was opening his bedroom door, taking dad by the hand and walking him out saying “bye dada”.

I know it’s hurtful for him. And I know it’ll pass. But our son has always been dismissive of his dad and we/I don’t know how to resolve it. Our son is so affectionate with me and it must be so painful for dad to not have the same love back.

And because of all this rejection, I end up doing most of the care (bed, bath, can’t be out of sight, wake ups etc)

They play well together for the most part, but it’s all on our son’s terms.

Dad has arranged for a son-dad day this weekend where I’m not involved. These days are few and far between but something I want them to have more of. Whenever I’ve been away for a day/overnight, they’re usually besties when I come back and it’s lovely.

It’s so hard and I’m hoping someone has experience and can tell me it gets better 😭

Does anyone else’s husbands do this?

We have a two year-old little girl and she has always preferred me. Every time that daddy wants to play with her. She says no I want mom and it hurts his feelings every time and he gets really upset and I don’t know what to do to get her to wanna be with him more Because she was doing good for a while and then we moved and now she doesn’t want anything to do with him again is anyone else’s toddlers like this and it’s so stressful because I hate seeing him get hurt because our daughter doesn’t want him.
And it’s hard on me because I’m a stay at home mom and I’m with her 24 seven so I don’t ever get a break because she always wants me And never wants to go with her dad.

Anyone else terrified about weaning?

My little one is 7 months old. We started with baby porridge and then avocado and banana when she was 5 months. She seemed so ready for food so we thought we were getting a good head start. Following this, she got ill, had a little stay in hospital and then it’s seemed like shes had one illness after the other. This really set us back because I didn’t have the head space to plan foods, or add to the stress! I really wanted to do baby led weaning, so gave her a chunk of banana and she instantly gagged and went bright red, scaring the life out of me! I feel like I’ve really hindered her progress with my own fears but it’s tough. Anyone else feel like they’re really behind with it all?