Need opinions

My mother in law & I have a very awkward & complicated relationship. Giving a back story would take forever, so it might come off as me being too harsh about the situation. But things got very ugly once I gave birth to my son. Long story short, she has overstepped her role, has been disrespectful to me postpartum, she is controlling, & everything is a competition to her & nothing is ever fair. Everything is very calculated. I was on maternity leave for about four months, I just returned Monday of this week. My son is with my fiancé on Monday’s, my MIL watches him Tuesdays (today), & then he is with my parents Wednesday & Thursday. I’ve already had reservations about my son going over there as my fiancés parents smoke pot & have left it out with my son being in their care. His dad also drinks & he reeked of alcohol during that visit as well. She got sober from alcohol last year, so I was more trusting of her, but if I could have it my way, I wouldn’t have my son there on Tuesdays because of how incredibly uneasy it makes me feel given what I know. This was a battle for my fiancé & I & we didn’t see eye to eye, but I wasn’t being “fair” in their eyes. So, fast forward to today, my son’s first visit with them. I was planning on sending her a text at some point today to ask how it’s going & how my baby is feeling. After my lunch hour ended, I decided to text her & say “hey how’s it going?” She then responds “who is this” & I immediately panicked. When I text to check on my 3 month old baby & get an update, the response I do not want to see is “who is this.” So I responded & said my name with a question mark, she responds as if everything is fine. I respond to her & say “I haven’t heard from you all day so I thought I’d check in on my baby. You don’t have my number?” She then explains to me that she got a new phone & lost all of her contacts, but something just didn’t set well with me. As I mentioned, she is calculated, so my initial thought was “did she seriously delete my number?” Because she has done some petty things prior to this incident. I called my fiancé & asked him “since when does your mom have a new phone?” & he said “what are you talking about?” & “I don’t know” then proceeds to ask why & I let him know the situation with his mom. He then says “oh yeah, she did get a new phone.” I’m pretty livid & upset at this point, so I hung up. We got into an argument over text pretty bad. He said I was rude to his mom & he asked her to send him screenshots of our conversation. It was a huge thing about how out of line I was, but I am always the villain to him when it comes to his mother. I admit my tone could have been better, but I was extremely upset & worried. My point in making this post, is in my eyes, whether they’re lying about her having a new phone or telling the truth, it doesn’t make anyone innocent. If she has a new phone & had a problem with transferring her contacts to her new one, I think it was important for her to ask for my phone number or for my fiancé to give it to her as I am her grandsons mother & she’s taking care my of baby all day long. My fiancé tried to tell me that didn’t matter because she was giving him updates, but I explained to him that I don’t want to go through him to receive updates. I then explained a scenario to him that if it was an emergency & she couldn’t get ahold of him, she wouldn’t have had my number to let me know what was going on, or been able to get ahold of him to even get my phone number. It all just feels very irresponsible to me. My fiancé thinks I’m reading into it, but he never has my back when it comes to his mother. In his perspective, I was rude. But I’m a first time mom who is missing her baby & is worried about being away from him. The response I didn’t want was “who is this”. Thoughts?

Show your support

This is the facts. You either need to find a way to get along somehow and be happy with the life you live or if it makes you that unhappy prepare your exit. It sucks but people suck everywhere you go it’s not just your mother in law trust me 😆

In the exact same situation with my MIL who watches my babies on Sundays. All communications go through my husband! Because she refuses to contact me. RIDICULOUS. These entitled MIL’s need to learn how to respect the mother of their grandchildren.

The alcohol and cigarettes would have been a no go for me already. The fact she didn't have your number is wild. She is caring your 3 months old and she MUST have your contact number in case. She sounds very entitled and irresponsible and I totally understand why you re pissed.

The alcohol, smoking and not having you as the direct contact and arguing about it would be grounds for never letting them watch a child. It’s a hard no for me. I wouldn’t even visit with him. They can come visit at my place or a neutral place.

@Samia preach!!! They are so freaking entitled. Have you communicated to your husband? What are his responses?

@Aurélie thank you, girl. Not cigarettes they smoke weed. Both bad but let’s be coherent with a baby around? I pushed for them to not watch him on Tuesdays, but my fiancé thinks everything is fine because he “had a long talk with them” lol

@Jadie I have tried SO hard to push for him not to go over there on Tuesdays. They have deemed themselves as not trustworthy. I have no clue how to get out of this situation. Whenever I make any kind of boundary, I’m the one labeled as controlling

I would stop caring what they say. You are the mother. You’re the boss. Mom knows best. They already don’t like you and are disrespectful. I wouldn’t allow them to watch your lo alone. What if he gets into their weed?

I would make this a non-negotiable for your hubby.

Yeah same as Jadie. As soon as I read they smoke pot, leave it out around him AND your FIL drinks, that was an immediate no from me. I'm sorry but your husband sounds like an absolute wetwipe 😅 you need to advocate for your child, it certainly sounds like no one else is. That's NOT a safe environment for him, it doesn't matter who they are. If you're not comfortable with it then it shouldn't be happening, end of. If your husband disagrees, tough shit 😅 you're putting your son first, if he has a problem with that then maybe he needs to rethink his priorities. I also 100% agree that she should be communicating with you directly, it's just basic respect. If you guys weren't together I'd understand it little more but you're literally engaged 😅 she sounds like a piece of work, I'm sorry you have to deal with that 🥲

@Lauren thank you for solidifying my concerns. Everyone always paints me to be the bad guy & like I’m the crazy one. It’s exhausting.

Oh no! They are bad for trying to railroad your boundaries with your son. Your son, your rules. Too bad for them.

Bad MIL always communicates with their Sons only and treats their daughter in law like she doesn’t exist. So disrespectful and If i were you, I would not let her take care of my baby. If your parents can babysit on tuesday just give him to them.

I used to be in this situation when I had my first but once I got pregnant with my second I dropped the ultimatum for my partner, his mom & his dad. I told them straight I’ve take shit from all 3 of you for years and had boundaries crossed time and time again, watched them control their grown ass son and attempt to control me and I chose not to speak up out of respect for my partner until the control they had on him was starting to affect us. I told them that enough is enough. We had a sit down and I told the three of them, with all the shit I’ve taken over the years I’m now sitting at this table telling you that as much as I love you’re son I loose nothing by cutting the 3 of you off. If you cannot respect me, my boundaries and the way I choose to raise my children none of you will be in their lives it’s that simple! Because I’ve gone past caring and thru all the pain and breakdowns I’ve finally found my strength to stand up and say enough is enough

If I get up from this table and leave I’m not coming back so it’s down to you either respect me or we’re done here. That was almost 6 months ago and They ain’t messed up since

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌