Relationship Help
I’m sorry if this is long or messy and I’ll try to give as much backstory as possible. My fiancé 25M and me 24F have a kid together, we’ve been together for 5 years and our kid is now 3. I’ll refer to him as J our toddler as A and my mom (who does play a part in this) as Y. So this is kinda building for a while however what happened yesterday is why I decided to post here, I’m a sahm and he works full time we also live with my mom, my brother and his gf, keep in mind that I’m Slavic and he’s Canadian (so we had 2 Very different upbringings) my family is a lot. We are very close too I consider my mom, my brother and his gf my best friends pretty much. To be honest, he was not raised. He was pretty much abandoned, divorced parents, his mom had boyfriend after boyfriend and met a narcissistic homophobic sexist husband, so J had to fend for himself and be independent cuz unfortunately he had to be. Unlike me I was raised by my mom who was a strong independent woman who didn’t need a man after my dad died. Sorry for that lil trauma dump anyway, we live on our own pandemic. We were so in love then looking back now I was wondering if he was just a love bombing me, not on purpose. J also has ADHD but doesn’t take meds for it. He also joined the military without telling me which is why he isn’t taking meds for ADHD he also is going through a terrible mental state rn and I feel like some days I have to walk on eggshells around him cuz anything I say or do can piss him off. My mom is also OCD and a clean freak and J isn’t the cleanest when it comes to things, he’s also a gamer so he set up his “fortress of solitude” in the basement, he got a futon down there too and most nights he sleeps there and he goes down after he gets home from work and I feel like a single mom and when he does take care of A, all he does is put her in front of the tv. I do everything, I dress her, do her hair, I feed her and I try to do other things with her instead of the tv (which I do put her in front of when I need to do things) for J kids were a non negotiable thing however I feel like he romanticized parenthood and obviously it isn’t as wonderful as it seems I feel like he wanted a baby not a kid…he was an amazing father when A was first born. I also had severe PPD and he really stepped up but now it’s like he’s done his part and is done. He says he feels like he doesn’t get to parent A but he doesn’t even do anything with her just puts her in front of the tv and falls asleep (which I sometimes do that as well) and when she has a tantrum he doesn’t know what to do with her. Like I said he’s a gamer so he stays up late sometimes until 5 am, then I have to take over again and again and I don’t have a break during the weeks like I have to ask him to take her and if it wasn’t for his mom taking her every weekend I wouldn’t get a break. My mom is also very overbearing when it comes to A and has a soft spot for her and cuz Y has ocd she gets into these cleaning rages and freaks out and yells specifically at me not at my brother who is just as messy, I do sometimes feel financially abused (for lack of a better term) by my mom cuz she offers to pay for things e.g. diapers and then she goes and throws it into my face that she pays for everything and she does and I do get where she’s coming from we are messy and she doesn’t get what it’s like, she’s never had ppd and she had to go back to work and she had her mom (my grandma) to clean the house. Oh and the most important part of ALL of this J told me he loves me but doesn’t know if he’s In Love with me…so yeah. He also gives me breadcrumbs, he is says he wants to work on us yet spends his time in the basement gaming, I hear him through the floor sometimes laughing hard, gaming with his friends yet I barely see him. It gets to the point where A says the basement is his house. He says he loves me, he kisses me and we’re intimate and then goes radio silent and hides in the basement like a fucking cat. This is also the text chain from last night…If you read all of this I appreciate you. Any outside advice would be helpful. Thank You.
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You just need to decide what’s best for you and you little girl and what environment is the most beneficial for her growth it’s a lot to think about x
Hi. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I was in a "similar" situation. I am and was raised Slavic so I relate to how you grew up. My fiance is Romanian so we also share similar traditions and upbringings. He is also a massive gamer and up until baby was around 2 months he still thought he could game for hours on end uninterrupted bc I was still on leave and my mom was around so he didn't do much. Once my mom left and I went back to work he had to pick up a lot of the slack. I'll also add that he was diagnosed with ADHD a month before baby was born and it took a while to get him in meds that work and now it's a night and day difference. He hardly games, and if he does we do it together in the evening after baby is asleep. He helps out around the house so much more and has his own intrinsic motivation to keep things clean compared to before when I would have to nag. He also took on a majority of the childcare especially while I work (I wfh tho so I help when I can). I'm sharing this bc ADHD and
Depression can go hand in hand so I would highly suggest he does get on medication for this. He might find he enjoys life a lot more. Regarding the mom stuff, I'm really sorry she throws that in your face. I would tell her not to help if she isn't doing it out of love. I've had to tell my mom that a few times and she finally just stopped saying anything after buying stuff haha.
I would consider maybe trying couples counseling especially since he said he's not in love with you. I think after a certain period of time no one is "in love" like they used to be. I love my fiance dearly and while I'm not head over heels anymore, we have a wonderful relationship and I know he loves me too. It sounds like he is being a bit immature about everything and using games as a way to cope. Are you guys able to go on a date without baby and just try to reconnect? Also feel free to dm me if you'd like to vent any more.
if he's not helping much with your daughter, putting her time out because she's not compliant is not going to help their relationship or his instructional control over her, it will damage her ability to listen to him if he uses punishment to get what he wants. he needs to hang out with her the way you two do doing things she likes to do or she will never end up listening to him without him stressing himself out. something that might help her brush her teeth or just listen in general while she's with him is positive reinforcement him asking what she wants to have after they're done. even something like a piece of chocolate when she's done brushing or some tv time/play with dad if night.
You guys might benefit from couples therapy if you’re up for it. I’d imagine he doesn’t feel great about not being able to provide for his family and having to live with his mother in law. Past childhood trauma tends to come back when we become parents. The way he talks about not being able to parent because of the interruptions points to said trauma, in my view. And the gaming seems like unhealthy escape. Working together toward a goal might help reframe things. Good luck to you.
My son hatedddd having his teeth brushed from 2-4. My husband and I had to literally sit on him while the other brushed his teeth while he tried thrashing his body out from under me. His dentist even told us to continue doing that even if he screamed and cried. He eventually snapped out of it and brushes his teeth on his own or asks us for help. I would sit down with your fiancé and come up with a bed time routine together and let him parent her how he wants but then if you don’t agree with it then tell him away from your child why you don’t agree on his parenting. I can understand your frustration and his on the whole wanting to parent his way, at some point both you and your mom have to allow him to be dad. Obviously if he’s yelling at her or getting overstimulated just say “hey I got this from here, take 5”.
As far as the whole gaming situation goes, I’m sorry. He’s an duly and a parent now with responsibilities so he no longer gets to stay up all hours of the night.
He’s an adult is what I meant to say.
As well as the messiness, he needs to set good examples for your daughter on how to be clean and pick up after yourself. Sending love to you guys.
Do you think he is finding it hard living with your mum like he stated she always telling him what to do and he can’t do it on his own and this is why he is gaming a lot because he knows how close you are to your mum and doesn’t want to upset you about it maybe talk to him and maybe start looking for your own place if that would be possible
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