Having a really hard time…

hey! my son just turned a year on the 4th and im 6 months pregnant with my second. I feel like im constantly defeated by my toddler and my pregnancy. we co-sleep a majority of the time which makes his sleep GREAT but with great comes waking up multiple times a night for milk still. he is very dependent on being held to go to sleep for naps and bedtime. I too feel like a single parent , his dad works 5-6am until 5-6 pm most days and by time he’s off it’s about everything but us. while we may not be in the exact same situation my momma heart feels for you and I pray that you find a ground level that works for you guys. I know my son didn’t enjoy independently playing until I kinda gave him no other choice. a couple snacks , Mickey Mouse, some toys and since then it’s worked as much as i believe it was the tv that hooked him and I hate that my house can’t be a disaster and he’s gotta learn that we have to have one on one time yanno? You and little man will get the hang of it all. 💞

Thank you Angel!! This makes me feel a little better. I hope you’re doing okay! I feel for you going through the same thing on top of being pregnant

Whenever I feel overwhelmed like this, one thing I try to remember is that our culture has entirely unreasonable expectations about what one parent should be able to do alone. The human norm across time and in most places is to have a handful of adults who all feel some responsibility for the baby and share some of the burden of caring for it every day, plus help every day from children, both related and unrelated. The total help from children alone is about an hour a day according to anthropologists. In our culture, we're expected to do all of this mostly alone, maybe with help from our partner if we're lucky and they're available. Even harder if they're *not* there. So of course it feels like too much! It is too much! So give yourself a break if you're feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. That's a normal human response to this situation. You're doing a great job and you're a great mom! You're just parenting under unreasonable expectations that you do it all alone.

If you want advice about how to maybe take some of the burden off, it sounds like there are a couple of directions to work on.

One is trying to draw more on your village, if you have one, or building one, if you don't. The other is working on the independent play.

Do you have any family or friends nearby? Other people who are also raising kids or have done so in the past are most likely to understand that you need help, but don't discount childless friends or family. Sometimes they love kids are just waiting for an opportunity to spend some time playing with an adorable toddler! Also, if you have family nearby, somewhat older children can be a great help (like maybe starting around 8 or so). Plus research shows that learning how to take care of a baby is actually good for kids mental health, reducing anxiety and whatnot. Probably because it's a real life skill that makes them feel like they can contribute now plus like they know what to do when they grow up.

If you don't have family or friends nearby, try to find at least one other mother who lives nearby you who you can trade childcare with sometimes so that each of you can get a little break now and then. This app we're on right now has the tools to help with that!

For independent play, what are you already doing? It can be hard as they get more social and some kids want that social interaction more than others. I'll tell you what's worked for us but you might need different strategies. I've found with mine that playing on his own is kind of like a muscle that he builds over time (of course not consistently all the time though lol). We started by just letting him do his own things whenever he showed any inclination to do so, even if it was only for a few seconds.

It helps to get him interested in something and then step back for a minute. When he comes back over to me now, usually I'll show him a toy for a minute and then he'll be engaged with that again for a little while. We also try to have few toys around at a time because apparently kids play more that way. For example, in our giant play pen right now there are probably about 6 toys.

I feel this way too! It's ok to feel overwhelmed. I don't have any applicable advice to help reduce your overwhelm but I think comiserating sometimes helps! My husband works 8 am-8pm or later so I get feeling like a single parent! Does baby boy nap? I still sleep when my girl does and usually try to be up before she is to have a coffee and regroup. I know you said you cosleep but maybe you can work on having him nap independently and use that time for yourself! My therapist literally just told me that I need to start carving out time to do things for myself other. She also suggested just leaving hubs with baby and letting him figure it out just like I have had to which could be something you want to try (it's not to be harsh but to encourage bonding and give some perspective!)

Also, I'm not sure if you feel like you generally don't have time to shower or if you wanted to catch a shower to have some time to yourself. If it's feeling like you don't have time to shower, I would shower with the baby. Single moms do it a lot, and I definitely would if I needed to (and have a few times).

I can relate. I switched to audio books with my baby so I can play with her and listen to a book a couple of hours each day.