am I overreacting/the villain? How do you set boundaries with a partner and in-laws who don’t seem to respect you?
Sorry for the long post
I’m at breaking point in my marriage and need some perspective please. Am I the villain? Am I overreacting?
my husband has consistently prioritised his parents’ feelings over mine. He seems more afraid of upsetting them than addressing how hurt and unsupported I’ve felt. Since pregnancy the in laws have overstepped boundaries, refused to change nappies when they've minded the baby (that's been his whole family), obsession of my husbands sleep (even though he had never covered a night) and ongoing passive aggressive remarks of my parenting . My husband has defended his parents when I flagged the multiple offenses.
The situation escalated when he and his parents took our 6‑month‑old breastfed baby on a 7 night family holiday abroad without me. I was originally invited to the holiday but I explained to my husband that I wasn't comfortable still going 3 weeks in advance due to his parents adding friction between us and his continued pattern of prioritizing/defending them. The reaction of my husband to my decision was that he insisted to still take the baby to please his parents but I am creating stress, ruining the holiday and what will he do with our baby when he goes diving with his dad - a planned activity that wasnt shared with me until that moment.
There was zero regard for how distressing it was for me to be separated from my breastfed baby so young. I turned to counselling and tolerated uncomfortable pumping to try to keep my supply going while home alone. To make it worse, the trip overlapped our 2nd wedding anniversary, which he didn’t even acknowledge as his parents wishes were more important
When Ive tried to communicate my feelings or ask for emotional support, he gets defensive, blames me. His parents are also quick to criticise me for not letting them see the baby enough? When we've visited them multiple weekends every month. They've also voiced frustration/competition about the access my parents get, they live abroad but they provided actual childcare when they fly over. for example when I sat qualifications exams 12 weeks postpartum, unlike my in-laws who just want the photo shoot and smiles but nothing basic like changing nappies or respecting our parenting goals.
Since my in laws returned from the holiday, I’ve declined seeing them but haven’t obstructed my son from seeing them—because I’m tired of being painted as the obstructive villain - which continues to feel unjustified. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is only feeding their disrespect for me? How should I handle their requests? Am I foolish to expect an apology from anyone?
Has anyone been through something similar? How do you set boundaries with a partner and in-laws who don’t seem to respect you?
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I'm so shocked he took your baby on holiday for a week knowing you were exclusively breast feeding, what an awful, disregard, disgusting disrespectful thing to do to a so called wife, I'm so sorry that you are married to this man, what a joke, I'd be furious, I wouldn't of let the baby go out of my sights, he wouldn't of taken my baby on holiday that's for sure what a jerk, I'm so mad and upset for you. I've had my fair share of issues with mother in law and my own parents, once my mother in law when my baby was one said you need to start thinking what school he's going to, you need to stop breast feeding now, you need to stop Co sleeping, you need to do this and that and I literally just bluntly said I don't need and won't do any such things but thank you for your opinion 😊🤣 I'm not dealing with anyone telling me how to be a mother to my son and what I should be doing.
I don't think you are the villain. I think you need a heart to heart with your husband. Thud will only get worse if you don't talk it out
thank you for your response.
talking it out so far has only led to him getting defensive and walking away/ slamming doors.
I've convinced him to do couples counseling, but it's early days.
I honestly thought his parents would have thought it was a boundary too far - the holiday without me as his own mother had also breastfed him back in the day - although not as long as me now.
But that whole escalation just makes me feel incapable of seeing his parents now. It's been nearly 2 months since the holiday. But I still feel so disappointed and nauseous from what happened and the amount of disrespect.
I can’t really say that I can offer any real helpful advice, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry this is happening. In my opinion, you are absolutely NOT the villain, nor are you overreacting. I can’t even fathom how you must’ve felt, with your baby being away from you that little, regardless of how they are fed!
I’ve always felt that it’s my partner’s responsibility to manage put in place our boundaries with his side of the family, so we show a united front. I think you need to have a sit down with your husband and present him with the facts of the situation at hand, like explaining the impacts of not changing nappies regularly (nappy rash, needing treatment) and his parent’s actions have made you feel and that you have required counselling to deal with your baby being taken abroad without you. Can he take a few moments to imagine how you must’ve felt for that week?
Id absolutely be saying what i expect of him going forwards. It’s better to get these boundaries in place now, whilst baby is little, than trying to do so when they’re older.
Sending you lots of strength x
Typical immature man child behaviour walking away defenssive, slamming doors, how old is your husband twelve!
I think that's childish and pertjeyic that he can't deal with how you are feeling as his wife, can't handle your emotions. As for his parents, exactly who in the right mind would go away with their grandchild without it's mother so young knowing it's breastfed, it's craziness and I would not stand for it, I'd not bother with any of them for that. They have hurt you and now your need councelling. My father is the same he just completely disregards my feelings, can't deal with them., we've never got on, my parents always brushed my feelings aside, under the rug, made me out to be the crazy one for feeling the way I did about things. Definitely speak to your husband, I hope you resolve everything ✨
thanks. I have tried to explain my side a few times but he really lacks any empathy or compassion in general..just back to but 'my parents haven't had as much face time with our baby compared to yours. '
It's been two months since the peak of this drama. He's gone back to thinking everything is okay, even though I've been refusing to see his parents since.
Over the years I have forgiven a lot. I am just currently at a loss of how to proceed with boundaries and if I can accept a lack of apology
I am hoping to get somewhere with the couples counselling and address his defensive/childish reactions as this is a serious barrier
I am sorry to hear your lack of family support too. How have you protected yourself?
I'm glad you are and you are being positive about it 💃🍍❤️✨I'm sure you will do well with that
Yes it was hard but I just continue to be kind and happy even when people do me wrong, life's too short
I’ve had the same issue with my husband and I told him it’s either me or them and I will walk even though we have 4 kids. He chose me and he is now seeing how his shame is connected with his parents and has gone no contact. They live 900 miles away so it’s easy to no see them. As to our children, the in laws don’t get to see their grand children if they treat you like garbage. It’s a privilege, not a right, and if they can’t respect you, they don’t get access. Your husband needs to be the one to cut the umbilical cord here and you need to stand your ground and draw the boundary. Hope this helps!
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