Found out my partner lied about his virginity.

Just as a thought experiment- do you know why “virginity” is important to you? And what, to you, does being a virgin mean? what makes you a virgin vs not one

Do you think you’ll be able to forgive with time/relationship counseling? If not, don’t waste the your time or his

I’m curious when telling the sex story with the other girl was their shame? Guilt? Or something?

I can totally see why someone would lie about having sex when they are in a culture of virginity is best.
THIS DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT!!!! I can just understand why someone would lie.

Also does he feel it was sex? Or does it feel like …. Not 100% his choice ….. no consent type situation?
AKA I say my first time was about 4 years after my non-consent time. Because that “was not sex it was assault”

I think lying to you so you would be in a relationship with him because you had a value in spending your life with someone who shared only intimacy with you, is manipulation and starting a relationship on a lie and he's told you now because now you're about to have a baby and he feels he has you right where he wants you. It doesn't matter to me this is about virginity. It's that he started a relationship on a lie. It wasn't meant to be if he has to say he's something he's not. And you said he's lied about stuff before....man this is tough time going into having a baby. I have been with someone who lied from the start and for me it didn't work out, for you maybe it can.

My relationship was built on a similar lie. My boyfriend told me he had money. He knew I wanted to be a SAHM very badly and that I wanted my future partner to provide. So he lied and said he has money when he didn’t. I was pregnant when I found out the truth. We had a fight about him lying and how that’s the one thing I wont tolerate. We broke up for two months and during that time he showed me every day that he was sorry and he truly did want our family together. I forgave him and we got back together. After we talked about it, he said he only did it because he wanted to be with me so badly and he thought that was the only way. He’s never lied to me since and is truly the best partner and father. As fucked up as it sounds, I don’t know that I would have started dating him if he didn’t lie about the money. I was SO dead set on being a SAHM one day. Im telling you this because I know how hard it is to feel you’ve been manipulated. You have to decide if he’s worth working it out with.

You don’t see your value … the problem isn’t what he did (it’s not acceptable) the problem is that you are second guessing yourself and if you should accept that behaviour- which you shouldn’t

I think the concept of virginity is stupid and a social construct mostly aimed at controlling women. But, he's lied for the whole of your relationship and that's a huge problem, so I hear you.

I'd be asking a few questions:
- How important to you is virginity on a deep level? You're pregnant before marriage so I'm assuming it's not a really strict religious thing for you.

- If the virginity thing is mostly just losing something you thought was special together and it's the lies that are hurting you then that'd be good to identify and figure out if you can work past it. If you'd be open to it then therapy would help here.

- You're about to become a family. Is this worth losing all that for? Depending on how you feel about it this might be perfect timing as you're not married yet so while you'd always be tied by your child it's still pretty easy to walk away from the actual relationship.

- If he's lied to you about this, what else has he lied about? Can you trust him on anything?

What is the thing he lied about in the past?

I'm not sure I'd be able to get past all that lying. Especially about something so big as your virginity and especially when you know what it means to your partner. If you love someone, you don't treat them that way.

If porn is your boundary and he kept breaking it, that's a problem, doesn't matter if people think porn is fine. I personally believe it's extremely unethical (I don't know those people wanted this) and unhealthy for our brains.

You obviously love this man and now you are bringing a child into the world with him. He should not have lied to you at the start of your relationship but does that detail truly mean he's not "the one"? You gave him this gift of yourself. If you truly love him you will find a way to forgive and let go. Marriage is hard, you will make mistakes too in the future that will have him questioning everything too. It's ok to tell him you're hurt by this lie but hear his side too. Don't let a small thing like this, yes in the grand scheme of things it truly is a small thing, ruin what you have.

Also, it looks like based on your comments about porn that he may have a porn addiction. Addiction of any kind is extremely difficult to get out of. His body is literally reliant on the feelings the porn gives him and he will go through withdrawal from it. Please try to be compassionate towards him with this. It's hard to understand if you've never experienced addiction before. I would suggest counseling for him. He's probably extremely ashamed about his addiction and may find it hard to talk about. But there is a way to be free of it.

I would have a conversation with him if you're willing to move past, and say if he ever lies to you or you find out he has lied about something else that is really important to you, that it's just last straw. Personally I would still try to make it better for the little one, me and my partner have had really bad problems but we're still trying because we love each other and want to stay a family

I've been through similar, in the sense my partner lied about something pertaining to a boundary of mine. I chose to forgive and stay, but it's something I'm still working through, and we are still rebuilding the trust.

I hope you are able to make whatever decision you need to.

Would couples therapy be something that might help?