Trying to accept a body I feel uncomfortable in
For background, I’m 33 and two years postpartum. I’m at my heaviest after four difficult years involving infertility, miscarriage, a surprise NICU stay and horrific postpartum depression and anxiety. Since going on medication last year my mental health has significantly improved and I’ve continued work to heal my body image and relationship with food. When I was at my smallest as a young adult, I despised myself and thought I looked as I did now. To be my current size was the worst thing that could have possibly happened to 20yo me.
But here I am. And honestly, I’m physically uncomfortable and my body does not feel like my own. It seems like everyone else I know who’s had a baby looks the same as they did pre-pregnancy—I’m the only one who hasn’t “bounced back”. We’re visiting my parents and the last time we were here was nearly 18 months ago. Sitting on their furniture and looking in their mirrors proves how drastically my size has changed.
I used to love putting outfits together and had such a unique sense of style. But now I struggle to find clothes that I like *and* actually fit. It sometimes pains me to go up a size and I hang onto old clothes with the hope of being able to wear them again someday. I can’t stand pictures of myself, which hurts because I want there to be nice ones of my daughter and me. I also don’t want my daughter to grow up with the awful body image that I had and want to break the yo-yo dieting cycle I was raised with.
I try to see myself through my daughter’s eyes: she’ll remember me smiling, laughing, cuddling her, playing with her. I’ll look beautiful to her, just as my mother did to me, even though my mom to this day cannot stand how she looks and is always convinced she needs to lose weight. But damn if it isn’t hard not to feel like I’ve failed for gaining weight. I feel like I must have no willpower or have to choose between enjoying food or dieting forever and working out a ton (which I currently do not have time for). I’m also on the fence about having another child, and a big tick in the “cons” column is the inevitable weight gain that will come with pregnancy/postpartum.
My husband thankfully does not care how my body has changed and his support is invaluable. He told me recently that he just doesn’t want me to be miserable and will be there for me in whatever way I choose to make myself un-miserable. I’m hesitant to dive headfirst into intentional weight loss because every time in the past I’ve tried calorie counting my relationship with food and body have suffered tremendously. It seems there’s so much out there about getting fit and healthy but also about accepting yourself unconditionally with the proviso that losing weight intentionally negates that. It’s so hard to navigate this space and all these feelings.
I just want to appreciate who I see in the mirror. I just want to be gentle with myself. I want to enjoy my life, which includes both eating delicious food and having the energy and mobility to do everything my daughter wants to. I want to carry myself with confidence in clothes that make me feel good. I want to live without fear of judgment from family and strangers alike. (I grew up with post-extended family gathering debriefs consisting entirely of comments on everyone’s weight gain and loss and how bad/good everyone looked; my first thought when seeing someone I haven’t in a while is “they’re going to notice how much bigger I am”.) And most importantly, I don’t want my self-worth to be tied up in how I look.
I’m not sure what I want to get out of this—maybe just to feel less alone? Thank you for reading this if you’ve made it this far and thanks in advance for any comments ❤️
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Regardless of what your weight issue is, it’s important to learn to be kind to yourself, you can’t get better by hating your body. Your mum always fighting how she looks probably formed your relationship with food, and how you see yourself so since you want your daughter to do better it’s really important that you don’t repeat the cycle. Learn to love yourself. I know it’s hard not to compare, and especially not to compare to yourself at a better time, but try and find people in your size who dress well. Often plus size women look bad because they wear clothes that are not flattering for their body shape, so first thing I would do is get rid of stuff that’s too small, it’s hard and emotional but it’ll help you, or at least pack it up in vacuum bags and shove in the attic or somewhere else out of sight, go get yourself some COMFORTABLE and nice looking clothes so your day to day is less negative. And then focus on building better habits, do it in a kind way
I was reading about avoiding negative associations with food in children and what I loved was not having “good” foods or “bad” foods, but rather treating all foods as good, but for specific reasons - green veggies helps us feel strong and build our brains, meat helps your muscles develop, ice cream is good for boosting your mood, seeds are great for energy, etc. I don’t remember the exact examples as my little one is too young and he’s not a great eater so far but that in itself was a lesson for me - not to force him to eat if he doesn’t want to, which was much of my childhood.
And then try to introduce healthier habits in your daily routine, little by little, keep a diary, forgive yourself for missteps and praise yourself for doing well, write “I did X today and I’m proud of it because I’m working towards Y”. Try not to be negative, don’t say I look awful, etc, try to phrase things differently, so much depends on how we phrase things to ourselves
I would really look for some inspiration from people who do it well. I’m skinny but far from a perfect size/shape, I struggle finding things that aren’t falling off of me. Learning to dress well can be hard for anyone. I know if I dress well my mood is 1000 times better instantly. Sadly I don’t always manage it, but this is why it’s helpful to have a example of someone in your body shape and wearing the right style you enjoy so you can try and copy it. That’s what helped me. As for family and friends, if anyone is bringing you down about how you look - talk to them about how hurtful it is and tell them you’re trying to be more positive. And if they don’t get onboard, minimise contact. Because no one deserves to be judged in situations like this
I’ve struggled w/ my weight all my life. I tried every diet, health program, & medication. I was my healthiest prior to trying to conceive. But then came months & months of fertility treatments & I blew up like a balloon. I was disgusted w/myself. I maxed out at 265lbs. Everyone told me once I started breast feeding the weight would just fall off, but it didn’t. I stayed big & I stayed unhappy. My husband loves me no matter what my weight is, but i don’t love me at all sizes. My daughter doesn’t see my weight, she just sees her mommy. She loves me regardless. But I needed to love me too. I would love to sit here & say i calorie counted & worked out 5 days a week, but let’s be honest, our lives are busy & that doesn’t always fit into my schedule. I started using GLP1 medications to cancel out food noise, i’m working on improving my eating choices (not counting calories), & incorporating some sort of exercise (walk & daughter rides bike). This is whats worked for me.
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