Periods of anger
I love my daughter to absolute pieces but recently I have had periods of anger and I hate myself for it.
She’s 15 weeks old and we’ve had issues with her tummy and digestive system since birth. Also, she isn’t a sleepy baby so naps have been hard and feel like they’ve taken over my life. It’s not been an easy ride and she’s my first.
My partner is supportive but there’s only so much he can help. He sleeps in a separate bedroom when he has to go into the office and I breastfeed her through the night so I’ve done every night feed since she was born. I’ve not had ANY time away from her and don’t have any family close by.
The anger hasn’t been often but I find myself losing my rag with her. If she’s screaming my nervous system feels as though it’s going to burst. I do my best but sometimes I have shouted and/or put her down and just left her. Or on an odd occasion I’ve been a little more rough when I’ve been changing her for example. She’s a really chunky baby and the kicking is never ending. When I’m trying to feed her and she’s kicking constantly it just feels so much stimulation for me and I feel at the end of my tether and have to walk away. The regret that I have is killing me and I’m frustrated with myself for making these bad memories that I’ll never forget. I look at her and think what am I doing as she’s absolutely incredible and I love her so much.
Can people relate? Am I heading down a slippery slope? What can I do to stop the anger?
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It's good you've recognised it and it's totally understandable and does happen to many mums.
There are some things you can try but you have to be very intentional about it.
My suggestions include
1. Nap with baby. Ik people ignore this but it's absolutely a big help if you can master it. I assume the few times you try to nap her and she naps you wanna rush to do things etc ... guess what ... so long as baby things are in order and house is clean then everything else can wait. Learn to nap w bub especially afternoon nap so you can reenergise yourself for the evening rush which I find to be hardest.
2. Learn to calm yourself and do whatever it takes to consciously relearn to be calm. Because your stress is your baby's stress and they're innocent they don't deserve it. So whatever it is do it .. therapy or exercise or napping or counting down or affirmation etc etc find it and do it.
3. Start going outside as much as you can. Babies and kids love to be outside. It's fun and healthy for them and you too. It
Oh my goodness do I relate!! Sometimes, I don't mean to be harsh, then I realise I'm pinning his hand down to stop him hitting me!
It is not a slippery slope, this is just the toughest thing you will probably ever do, and the fact you realise that it's stressing you out, means that you WILL change your habits and mindsets.
I have found it a lot easier since he has gotten big enough to run around himself (he fights me less, and fights the blocks instead LOL) but also, we do things like rolls and age appropriate flips (he's 15 months) so when I get angry, I just sit down, put him on my feet, flip him over a couple of times, he completely forgets what he was angry about, I've got the frustration out and can't help but smile at him giggling! It's a win win, that may be a while off for you ,but it DOES get less frustrating, and you are doing great ❤️
I'm truly sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. The first three months can be incredibly challenging, and I want you to know that it does get easier. you'll start to embrace and enjoy the beautiful journey of motherhood. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. Your feelings are valid.
I would suggest that you swap to formula feeding. Take the pressure off yourself. It’s too much at the moment and babies are bloody hard work especially with colic. Does she have colic as you can get Infacol drops to help with digestion.
You really need some time alone on a daily basis, like go for a walk alone or get some exercise/join a class/gym etc.
it’s fine to leave baby in safe place when overwhelmed. In fact it’s better and safer for baby and you if you step away for a break.
Time goes by so fast and this will all be behind you so soon! If you’re in the UK I’d suggest referring yourself to nhs talking therapies. Sometimes PPD can show up like this.
Be kind to yourself and lean on family and friends for support
Thank you so much for the supportive comments 🩷🩷 It’s easy to forget the support that’s out there and that mum’s are just absolute superheroes 🤍🤍
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