Missing what I never had
Hi all
Not sure what I’m looking for but wanted some advise on my situation. My parents have always been quite cold emotionally and I didn’t realise how much hurt that’s caused until I became a mom myself.
My dad is a total narcissist so I won’t go into him but my mum, I just can’t understand her.
I have had four babies so far and with each child she’s never been present, there’s always been an excuse but the hurt I’m feeling from my latest I just can’t shake off.
I lived under 5 minutes walk when I had my first an she wouldn’t visit - she would only come with my SIL (who lived with them) or not at all. After my first for a little older I’d invite her For a coffee or walk and she wouldn’t accept unless I invited my SIL too - after a while I stopped inviting but it really hurt.
Now I’ve had my fourth and last baby, I’ve moved further away due to selling home but she not come to see my baby since day 2 (where she came to “see” me) and that’s it. She will send an odd message here and there saying “hi how are you” and conversation dies but no real effort.
I can’t get my head around the loneliness I feel and the mourning I’m going through for the experience I wish I had. If I didn’t message or go over, we wouldn’t see them at all and whilst I want my kids to experience their grandmas love, I am gutted that they are an afer thoguht. She’s never babysat my children, never been with them more than a few hours at a gathering and they are always asking about her and my family in general. I feel awful that this is what I have to offer them and can’t help but feel that they will be so disappointed when they realise who they really are.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m 5 weeks PP but I’m just so sad, I can’t really speak to my husband about it as he doesn’t understand her and often says just let them be, but I’m just sad. I feel so lonely and am continuously trying to fake being happy for the sake of my kids because they are such pure and gorgeous souls but I can’t help but feel so distant and incomplete.
Does this resonate with anyone’s experience and if so, how did you overcome it? Xx
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Hi lovely, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re describing sounds incredibly painful, especially when you’ve just had a baby and everything is already so emotional. It’s completely understandable that becoming a mum yourself has made you realise how much love and presence you wished you had from your own parents.
It’s okay to grieve the relationship you hoped for with your mum and the experience you wanted for your children. That sadness is very real, and it doesn’t make you ungrateful or weak. Postpartum can also make those feelings feel even heavier, so please be gentle with yourself right now.
One thing that helped me understand situations like this is remembering that sometimes people simply aren’t able to give the emotional connection we wish they could, even if we deserve it. It doesn’t mean you or your children are not worthy of that love.
Your kids are incredibly lucky to have you as their mum someone who is clearly loving, present and reflective.
Thank you for replying and for your kind words 💕
It’s such an odd feeling to have living parents who can’t/ don’t give you the love you’d expect from a parent.
It’s definitely something I’ve discussed in great length with my husband and we’ve made a proactive choice in how we raise our kids, full of love, attention and presence. We went as far as changing careers (fortunate to be able to do so) in order to make sure one of us is always with them.
I think our babies will not know any better until they begin to compare with their peers who may have present grandparents but still young for now.
I’m mostly sad for myself and I don’t really get why I’m still mourning it, wonder if it’s because now I’m on mat leave life is a little slower so expected my mum to connect? the worst part is I’ve raised this with her, she listens but that’s as far as her presence goes, she doesn’t act on it and I do feel like I’m begging for her attention and o hate that about myself.
It’s sad, but I think it’s better for kids to receive real love and stability from their parents than to have a relationship with grandparents that isn’t consistent or genuine. Children can sense when something isn’t fully there, and they shouldn’t have to lower their expectations just because someone is called “grandparent.”
You’re offering them a deep, present connection, and if your parents can only offer something superficial, that’s not on you. In a way, the generational pattern stops with you.
It still hurts though, because you also deserve that support and love from your own parents. Mourning that is completely valid. I don’t know if that feeling ever fully disappears, but it can get lighter when you build that love and support with yourself, your partner, and the people who truly show up for you.
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