Am I not going enough in my relationship?
I have a 4 month old and a 3 year old son.
By the time I get my son a bed ( nightmare and is a fight to get him asleep) also dealing with the baby (yes my partner does help) I am absolutely knackered. I have recently been falling asleep and my partner is downstairs. I do the night feeds also so I'm just tired. My head is constantly thinking about the kids/house etc.
I tried to cuddle him this morning and he said don't touch me. He was pissed off something was thrown in the been as well which I thought was rubbish.
I asked him what's going on? He has said this before but said ' do you even want to be in this relationship? This ain't a relationship'.
I do hug him I do kiss him and hold his hand. I make dinner, sort the kids out, clean the house, washing etc. But because we haven't had sex for a few weeks it's the end of the world.
Am I abnormal to not want sex? I'm just knackered by bed time.
I haven't got no family near but he has and I said to him this morning if we need to spend more time together you can ask your family to have the kids. He just said 'you're pushing me away'.
His mum was round at the time and he's gone out and he's taken our 3 year old.
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He sounds wildly selfish. Your body and mind go through so many changes as a woman when you have kids, especially in the infant stage. His lack of understanding is the problem, not you. We’re not biologically wired to even want sexual encounters when we have infants. Look at any other mammal species and how they behave postpartum. I think he needs therapy or a serious wake up call. Maybe he’s having difficulty adjusting to the fact that your relationship and intimacy changes even more with two kids, but he’s placing blame on you which isn’t fair. You’re just fighting to get through the day while exhausted and he’s not recognizing that you have nothing left in your tank for intimacy. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
The first year of a new baby is known for a roommate phase. You've been through a lot with childbirth and are also exhausted by doing the parenting.
In terms of the 3yo sleep I'd look at the whole day routine and see if a timing adjustment could help make that easier.
Sounds like hes alright for you to do everything then complain about you being exhausted and not having time for the relationship and is not willing to do the things he needs to do to solve the problem. He's ditching his responsibility in the relationship and dumping it on you
How you feel is completely normal and he shouldnt very making you feel bad for something you cant help
So wtf is he doing if your making dinner, sorting out the kids, cleaning the house, washing and all? Hes grown and he can put his own stuff away rather than leaving it out. If he want more time with you then he needs to help more. Why cant he do dinner and some of the house work whilst you sort the kids or vice versa. Maybe sit and to a daily schedule? Hes a dad and that means also cleaning the house. Even without the kids, he lives there and its his mess to. Maybe he needs to support you more and be a husband. Being a dad and being a husband are 2 different things.
You said your partner does help but then proceeded to say everything you do, which sounds like everything. What does he actually do? Is it just the occasional thing when you ask him to? Because that's nowhere near enough. He needs to be pulling his own weight, and take initiative with it. Your energy levels, hormones and libido are going to be all over the place at the moment, they'd just started settling down and then you had another baby so your mind and body are going through A LOT. He needs to understand that and support you, not put more pressure on you. He's pouting because he isn't getting his dick wet right now and he needs to grow the fuck up. You're definitely not abnormal to not want sex right now. Things will settle down and your intimate life will get better, but it takes time and effort and if he's not careful, he's going to push you away before you have chance to get there.
I would sit down with him and talk about the responsibilities and delegate tasks to help with so that at the end of the day you have more energy to engage physically with him. He is probably immature and wants to be intimate with you and doesn't understand what you are going through and instead of him stepping up he is pouting. So it's normal to feel tired, but you both need to make the effort to have time together. Little ones need their bedtime and take them to the grandparents every now and then for you both to recharge. After you have sex have a conversation with him about how you can continue to have sex and what you need from him, and I promise he will listen. But right now his need for sex is bogging down his mind and he can't think about anything else. Both of you are pretty normal but don't continue in this pattern. Make you and him time a priority, it is very hard when the littles are taking up all of your headspace but you'll have to hang up the mom hat for a bit and give him some attention. :-)
Sounds a lot like my relationship, sex is the last thing I think about but for some reason it’s very important to my partner, we’re getting counselling so hopefully that will help
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