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Mom's going through divorce/separation/ breakups

Scary to post here

Mamas…I need some advice. Even thought I’m posting “incognito” this is still scary for me to write, I think because I know what I need to do but feel so trapped.

When I married my husband in Oct. 2022, he was kind, patient, loving, but he definitely had a streak of “control freak” to him. I didn’t see that/was blind to it/ignored it then. I really don’t know. I was blinded by love, I guess.

We spent the next year trying to get pregnant. We were both really stressed out. Long story short, we had to go through fertility treatment to conceive our daughter via IUI. Luckily, she was conceived on the first round and we didn’t have to go through multiple rounds. All throughout the process of trying to conceive and ultimately conceiving our daughter, my husband was calm and levelheaded and patient. It wasn’t until she was born in June 2024 that he became increasingly impatient and controlling and manipulative. When she was 10 days old, our little family moved from the Bay Area down to South Bay LA in order to be closer to his family, but it moved me away from close friends that I had made before I was pregnant and completely isolated me down here. I have made new mom, friends, but all of my friends here are moms and I don’t have anyone here with any knowledge of me before I became a mom. 33 years. I had an entire life in career before I became a mom and I don’t have anyone who knew me then in my life here now. Completely long and different story, but for complicated reasons, I don’t have the support and family.

When our daughter was 10 months old, my husband and I were in a not great but kind ok place, and we conceived our son. It was a giant surprise, and I didn’t know I was pregnant for a while. Throughout my pregnancy with my son, he became more and more and more and more isolating and controlling and manipulative, and mean, and I have been able to realize that this is happening while at the same time, feeling completely unable to do anything about it, and trapped with two very, very, very small kids. My daughter is just over too and my son is just over eight months. They’re 18 months apart and completely perfect. I know that we need to separate and ultimately divorce, but I have no idea how it works, and I am beyond terrified about what would happen if I lost the kids, even partially. I just can’t imagine.

So basically, I am hoping and praying NOT that someone else has been through this same or similar kind of situation, it’s awful, but that someone out there can offer some advice or clarity on what to do next. Do I just need to bide my time until the kids are a little bit older, and it’s a little bit “easier” to separate? I am also terrified of how he’s going to react when I tell him that I’m leaving. I don’t want to get into the details of his control and manipulation here, but I am more than happy to answer any and all direct questions either in the comments or through DM’s. I don’t know how it works with incognito posting, but if anybody can give me advice, I will share my name in a private message. Maybe we can text. If you’ve read this far, thank you so much for reading and for any advice that you might have.