Advice from any Rainbow Mamas

Hi there. I think that you are even asking is very nice of you, most people don’t even really think about it. I would tell her separately depending on you plan on telling everyone and how close you are to her. I’m sure she will be so excited for you but it hurts at first when you find out someone else is having a baby after loss. My best friend and I have both been through it and when I told her I gave her the space to react alone first. And she has done the same for me.

Singling her out would be doing just that. Telling her on the side. Usually when announced people will do it in mass text, over social media, or during a time where a lot of family is gathering. If you tell her on the side and you tell everyone else at the next family gathering or via social media, she will probably feel singled out. As being just you two can make the encounter seem more personal because what if she doesn’t have the reaction you hope for?

I think you’re thinking too much into it and if she were my friend, I would tell when I told my family and other friends. But most of my friends are like me, we understand that life happens. You know her best so for you I say do what you feel your friend would receive best.

My friend who is ttc told me she’d prefer to be told not to her face, so I text her so she didn’t have to react straight away & could process it. She said it was the best way for her. The fact you’re thinking about doing it just shows how good a friend you are! Best of luck x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply all. That’s really helpful 🙏

My best friend was TTC the same time as me and I knew she was really struggling with the time it was taking etc, she hadn’t had a miscarriage but was struggling to conceive. I sent her a text message when I was about 8 weeks along the line of I know you’ll be happy for me but want to tell you by text I was pregnant. That way if she was upset she could react privately as she needed

I'd say either do it through text so she can process it and respond when she's ready or do it privately and give her some time to respond. You know her best so do it on a way where she doesn't feel pressured to react a certain way.

Hello! I would message her separately and let her know. It gives her time to process it in the moment and not have to react immediately - like you say, she’ll be thrilled for you but it can be painful when you’ve had a bad experience and just having that beat to breathe and feel sad for yourself is much easier than having to jump straight to being happy and excited. One of my friends sent me a message over Facebook and said I didn’t have to reply straight away and to take the time I needed, and it really did take the pressure off 😊

I’ll definitely be taking this advice. Before I announce, I’ll just send her a text privately so she can process before a full family reveal. Thank you all, ladies xxx

Tell her separately and give her the time and space to react however she needs to. Before I had my son that’s how all of my friends announced their pregnancies to me and I did the same for my cousin when I was pregnant. I also promised her unlimited cuddles that she’s allowed to cash in whenever she wants so baby time, but that’s my choice because I know how it feels. If she gets upset or distant, just know that she’s not mad at you and if she’s a good friend she’ll still love your baby regardless

As a loss mama and someone who struggled with infertility and had to do rounds of Ivf I personally prefer to be told on the side and not in a huge setting, it’s nothing against the person announcing and it doesn’t make us any less happy for you but not going to lie it stings. Pregnancy announcements are still triggers for me and I have a three month old, the trauma sticks with you. I would definitely tell her prior, and even the fact you’re thinking about her feelings makes you a great friend !! Xx

Thank you for thinking of others. It's so kind of you

+1 for the text message.
I had a colleague announce her pregnancy in the middle of a meeting immediately before I was about to give a presentation, so I had no time to process it and 50 pairs of happy excited eyes turned to me after her announcement, while I was still crushed by the fact her due date was only a week from when mine would have been.

Now that I'm comfortable talking about it I make it a point to tell everyone that if you're doing a pregnancy announcement at work, always do it at the end of the meeting and not at the start. Miscarriage is so common and you never know who's putting on a brave face

As someone who’s been through a loss I can tell you there’s not really a way for you to avoid hurting their feelings because it’s painful and regardless they will feel sad BUT singling her out will only make her feel like she’s a pro caution. Tell her with everyone treat her the same and it will sting but as someone who’s trying so hard for that she will come to understand that just because she’s struggling doesn’t mean you deserve to be just as unhappy. I’m sure she will celebrate and congratulate you just as much as anyone if not more. If I were you I’d make her feel like she’s someone you can look up to throughout your journey.

I had this situation where my friend was worried to tell me she was expecting after I'd miscarried.
I can't actually remember how she told me but I didn't find out from a public announcement.
I was happy for her regardless of my loss.

I have my rainbow baby and suffered 2 losses prior. Personally I would just want you to do it anyway you would have being my friend. As someone else has said Its slightly like singling out? Just my opinion and I think you're so lovely for even considering this. ❤️ but yeah just do you and enjoy your happy news xx

Defo separate in advance of others by a few days and by text to allow her to process it. In person is not a good way to go unless it’s an immediate family member who will have no choice but to see you day in day out.
State you are mindful of her circumstances and that it wouldn’t be nice to hear it in a group setting. State that you understand if she’s upset or needs space. But that said you should still announce and be happy.
I would not send on any scan pics or anything. Just a nice worded message.

For context I told my friends who had Mc 27th Dec and then everybody else New Year’s Eve.

Personally I'd rather have a text so if I needed a cry, I could. Doing it face to face could be harder for her x

As someone who struggled to conceive, I would have preferred to have a separate message beforehand. Also I preferred texts as it gave me the opportunity to have a cry if I needed. Not because I was unhappy for them but because I was sad for my own situation.
I’m lucky that I did eventually fall pregnant but I had a close friend who had also been struggling. She was one of the first people I told. She has been nothing but supportive of me but I appreciate it must be difficult for her.

I'd personally tell her separately and not face to face. I had friends tell me face to face and, whilst I appreciated their intention, I felt like I needed to put a brave face on and it was so hard. I wouldn't send any pictures as I found that so insensitive when someone did that to us. When I was then in the position of being pregnant with our rainbow and my cousin was still ttc following loss, I sent a text and explained that I wasn't bowing out, I wanted to give her the space to digest our news and feel however she wanted to feel and gave her permission to feel upset and angry because I understood. She told me she really appreciated this and I would have much preferred to have been told this way. It's really hard as of course you're happy for your friends, but it's also a really shit reminder of what you don't have x

I’ve been through IVF and had to take myself off social media before I had my little girl because I struggled constantly seeing all the pregnancy announcements and baby pics. I don’t think there was anything others could have done to soften the blow, the issue was mine and I didn’t expect others to change just because I was struggling. It’s so difficult in this situation but just keeping the lines of communication open will help.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! Very sweet of you being so concerned and considerate and all the advice shared is great: tell her separately. I do would like to caution to not refer to a baby after a miscarriage to as "rainbow baby" unless the mother does this herself/prefers it. I lost my first pregnancy and absolutely am uncomfortable/strongly dislike the term "rainbow baby" as it personally for me diminishes my current pregnancy/child.

I’ve been through this with brother and with a close friend. Both times I cried and felt heartbroken but I was glad they told me before announcing it to everyone else. I was told in person by my brother and I felt awful for being that emotional about it. My friend told me over txt and I appreciated the fact I could have my emotional moment without feeling like I’d ruined anyone’s happiness over it.

Thanks for flagging the ‘rainbow baby’ comment, Linda. It makes complete sense and I’ll make sure I remember that moving forward 🙏