Setting boundaries and managing expectations of in law's now as a mother
Asalamulaykum sisters!
I do not feel comfortable or welcome around my in laws, I've always felt like an outsider because of my ethnicity and mild learning difficulty. My husband knows this and after countless arguments with him, there is no longer much pressure for me to please them and it's his job to manage their expectations. I believe we have a healthy relationship now alhamdulillah as no one is seeing me often enough for my name to be dragged in aunty gossip circles.
Alhamdulillah, my qualifications enable me to take on positions at work that pay well. When I first found out about my unplanned pregnancy, within 2 hours there was suggestions of me having the child waiting for it to reach a few months old or so and passing it over to his family so I could go back to work.
I am now 22 weeks pregnant and while I would love to speak to my husband about our childs future plans, nursery planning and baby names ect I can't because it always ends up in an argument over and I quote 'his child being deprived from a relationship with his family'.
Im just at such a loss of what to do, conversations about his family and their expectations have ruined our emotional relationship and all of our milestones from our wedding day all the way up to sharing my pregnancy.
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What does passing it over to his family mean??? Babysitting when you are at work? Child living with them? Do you live with them?
so we don't live with his family alhamdulillah but passing ot over to them in terms of letting them raise my child, I was working long hours so it would have been for the child to stay with them most of the week while I work, cook and clean.
Assalamualaikum. Congrats on your pregnancy and sorry you're going through this. I'd say have an open and honest conversation with your husband and maybe even including compromises like the child spending 1-2 days with grandparents and the rest at home with a nanny or in daycare? That way they get to spend time with the baby too so there wouldn't be "deprivation". And with your long hours, it might be nice to get a night off in a week. Just my 2 cents. I pray Allah makes it easy for you.
thank you for the wishes ukti, may Allah bless you ❤️ honestly I don't want to work I want to be an active full time mum in my child's life because that's how I was raised, I think Islamicaly its my child's right over me and who am I to deprive my child of that for a job? I've tried having conversations calmly everytime he's brought it up but it always ends in me walking away because I just can't deal with it, it's literally to the point where he even wants to name our child after one of his family members 🤦🏼♀️ I don't know how to manage these expectations without creating a hostile environment which isn't good for the baby.
walaykumsalam, thank you so much ❤️ hmm he wants me to help save for a home and to help clear off his debts to his family and friends. We can't even agree on a location for our home and he hasn't made any efforts to save for it himself either 😵💫
Sis, tell your husband his family need to respect and love the mother to their grandchild. This grandchild of theirs didn't just appear. She came from you..
Salaam sis Mabrook on your pregnancy this is such a special time for you. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this right now. First and foremost your rights now are to your baby to look after yourself so you can have a smooth pregnancy and the be the best Mama InshaAllah.
You have no responsibility whatsoever to clear off your husbands debts even if you are the higher earner or save for a home. So don't feel any guilt about wanting to be a FT mum and wanting to experience all that has to offer. Your responsibility as you've said is to be Mum and raise your child. I know you said you've tried speaking to your husband already is it worth quoting Quran and sunna to show that you're just trying to please Allah. Ultimately this is such a special time and your rank is raised with Allah so take any and every moment esp Tahajjud to make dua and ask Allah to ease the situation cos He is in full control and can change things in an instant. If you're based in London lmk we can meet up if you like or DM me. Duas x
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