Falsely accused husband of cheating
About five years ago, while he and I were dating, my husband had an online relationship with a woman where it was basically a sugar baby situation. She would flirt with him, send him sexy pictures, and he would Venmo and Cash App money to her.
I found out about it one day because I was using his computer and he got an email coupon from a lingerie company I’ve never ordered from. I thought that was weird so I searched his email for the company and found a past email receipt from when he had ordered lingerie for this person. This turned into an avalanche of me searching his email and social media, and finding tons of evidence. I then asked him if I could see his phone and I found more evidence in there. It had gone on for about a year before he ended it.
He had ended it on his own about six months before I found out about it. He said at the time and has said since then that it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he will feel guilty about doing that to me every day for the rest of his life. He did choose to end it, not her, I also saw the evidence of that.
Fast forward, I decided to forgive him and continue. We are married now, have a baby coming, live together with my stepdaughter and have a nice life, etc. I stopped compulsively checking his social media a few years ago and got over it, and haven’t thought about it until a few months ago.
I don’t use Snapchat a lot other than to see what my stepdaughter is doing on it. I did notice his avatar active on it a while ago but assumed he was also looking at our daughters account. It then casually came up that he didn’t even know she had a Snapchat. So I’m like…ok what’s he doing on there all the time?? I can see from his avatar a few things - his snap score goes up, he’s active on it a few times a day, and I’m no longer his BFF on the app (meaning he’s talking to someone more than he talked to me). He and I haven’t really used the app to talk since we moved in together 4 years ago because there’s not much need to send snaps when you’re sleeping next to each other all the time 🤪
I confronted him about his Snapchat use today and he was like…”this is so ridiculous but here you go.” He gave me his phone immediately and told me to take as much time as I wanted going through it. So I did. There were a couple things I had questions about, but the explanations were very simple and reasonable. I found literally no red flags. Like nothing. He wasn’t even mad or defensive about me asking, more just annoyed that I woke him up at 7 o’clock in the morning to have this conversation.
so I asked him again what he does on Snapchat all the time and he opened up the stories tab and showed me all of this nerdy stuff he’s always watching about comic book superheroes. Which is completely normal for him and tracks with what he watches on YouTube all the time also. He also said if it was causing me this much anxiety, he could delete the app because he can get his comic book news elsewhere. So I didn’t watch him do it, but he said he deleted the app.
I don’t necessarily feel dumb for asking. I feel like I made a reasonable assumption based on his past behavior. He just seems frustrated that he stopped this behavior five years ago and he feels like I said I would let it go and didn’t. He’s Not even frustrated with me, more frustrated with himself for having made the mistake in the first place five years ago.
We moved on with our morning, and his behavior is normal. He asked me if I want to go out to breakfast with him in a little bit so we’re going to do that.
Did I make a mistake here? Or do you think this was ok for me to do?
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Imo- it was okay to ask.
Better to have it cleared up than bottled up.
False assumptions kill faster.
I’m also glad he took it like a champ!
Trust is very important to sustain a relationship.
And reassurances over and over is necessary when it’s about trust.
If it bothered you, then it was absolutely not a mistake. If you held onto it and didn’t say anything, you would be overthinking ever little thing, then resentment sets in and things become much bigger than they really need to be. You did the right thing. You COMMUNICATED. That’s a must in ANY relationship. ♥️
I think he handled it well. You did right by how you felt. You just wanted an explanation, just because you forgave and moved on from it, does not mean you forgot that it happened, forgive yourself for the mistake, and move on from it now. It’s completely normal to see an inconsistent behavior, and ask a question about it. Doesn’t mean you are accusing.
I think you are both very mature and seems you have a very healthy relationship and communication styles.
I don’t think it was a mistake, if you felt like you need reassurance and he was willing to do that for you without any issues - it’s just a win-win situation.
Definitely not a mistake you did great and got the answers you wanted sometimes everyone need’s reassurance and there is completely nothing wrong with that
I think you both handled the situation well, I feel like it was okay for you to question the things you were worried about.
I know if it was me in this situation I wouldn’t of handled it half as well as what you have, when I get paranoid about something majority of the time my logic and reasoning goes out the window!
At least you know that in the future if you’re worried you can always confront him about your concerns and they’ll hopefully be handled as well as this time x
Whenever i have something on my mind like this that eats me alive it’s better to just say it and get it off your chest and your husband sounds like he’s very understanding of it! i’m the same way. i’ll go through his phone and find nothing and feel dumb for even asking but it’s just paranoia 🤦🏻♀️
I don’t know how on earth you forgave and moved on after he had a whole sugar baby on the side sending money to. Glad it worked out!
You did not make a mistake. This is a natural consequence of his past actions. It was a perfectly okay and NORMAL response. You can forgive, but that doesn’t magically delete the trauma that cheating causes.
To me, it sounds like you were rather calm in your approach and he responded respectfully and lovingly. If you want to apologize or check in with his heart after this, I would say go for it but honestly, you did nothing wrong.
It’s always ok to ask based on the fact you didn’t just fly off the handle. You were triggered by something specific and you asked him
I would just make it clear how much you appreciated the way he responded and allowed you to ask etc
Not a mistake. You guys actually handled that the best way possible & very mature.
Very impressed with the maturity of both of you. Sounds like you have a healthy relationship and will be able to get through anything. ♡
You both communicate better than myself and spouse of 22 years. You have a right to address a concern, and I suppose he may feel frustrated but he still offers clarification to ease your concerns. Sounds like a healthy relationship.
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