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Mamas with depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

Estranged relationship with my mom

This post is not mom related.. but I am feeling depress because of all these things I did when I was younger and is currently affecting my current relationship with my mom and sister.
Mistakes I did as younger than I was shamed for years. Having a bf before 18, not having perfect skin (acne free) & body. Having sex before marriage (Catholic raised). & moving out of my parents before marriage & also having a baby before marriage.

My first time having sex was with a boy in high school at 16. While I was a very curious teen about sex.. I asked my mom questions, and she always avoided this topic. Went to "friends" at high school for advice. Not knowing at the time they were not any wiser than me and actually encouraged sex.

At 20 years old, I met my (husband) boyfriend at the time, and we also had sexual relationships. We had sex in the car and usually stayed up until 2-3am. out. My mom disapproved of me staying late.. would always stay up until I got home. I didn't respect the time she wanted me home, but at the same time, she never enforced or gave me consequences, so this became a routine. She always called and called where I was when it got late, and so instead of parking away from home, we parked in front of my 5 and had sex in the car.

One night, she kept calling, knowing I was parked in front of the house. She knew I was there.. but for some reason, she got fed up and came outside. She saw the car moving & knew we were having sex.

So this is how she found out about me having sex. She cried and made a huge deal. How could I do this to her. I said I wouldn't do it again.. after time passed.. me and my husband went back to doing the same thing. The husband told me we are adults and that my mom is controlling. I listened to him, and well, things went downhill from there.

After I had my daughter, I saw things from a different perspective and apologized two times to my mom and sister after 5 years or so, realizing how I have hurt them.

There Alot of things that I'm leaving out of how my parents may have contributed to me not following their expectations.

I have asked and told me my mom how I want a better relationship now, and it just hasn't happened. I have now realized she hasn't forgiven me and that she has disowned me. The other day, she said what you reap is what you sow. So what I understood from that is for my past actions, it's my fault our relationship is so estranged. I accept it.. however, it's very hurtful for me every time I see. It feels like a breakup when someone cheats on you and you no longer want nothing to do with them.

I get so anxious now when I see my mom and sister. I have distance myself and don't talk to them as much and reply to texts in 2 days or so.. but this is making me feel sick to my stomach. I feel like giving up there are days I don't want to talk to them or see them.

They treat me as a stupid, sinful person.. is this what I really deserve? Is it all my fault and should accept how they treat me??

I'm crying just typing all this and don't know what to do anymore 😭