Hubby has offered me to stop going to in laws

It sounds like he needs to have a difficult conversation with his parents. It's their expectations, behaviour and comments that are impacting the time you spend together, and it's your husband's job to communicate that with them. You not going and not taking the baby is likely to inflame the situation.

i constantly tell him to communicate and he says he does. His dad basically doesn’t care and will continue to make comments. FIL says that if they (IL’s) are causing problems between us, that we don’t have to go and take baby. But FIL is a very cold man and doesn’t even get along with his own mother and siblings. MIL is very loving and just very sensitive. She vents to FIL about her feelings and FIL then gets hubby in trouble basically. I have offered hubby a sit down with all of us so I can express my pov and hubby doesn’t think it will go good. He thinks we’ll all talk and FIL will end that conversation with “you guys don’t have to come if it’s a problem for you”. Which I think is insane. MIL would be devastated if we went that route.

Following as I’m in a very very similar situation 😭

I totally relate to not wanting to go no contact but wanting the issues with your partner over them to stop x

how about you let your mil bond with the baby, she might stop saying such things. She is probably frustrated because you don’t want to let her hold him and give him affection… just saying 🤷‍♀️ when I go to in-laws i give them their grandchild and let them spend quality time with them, it won’t hurt me, everyone’s happy

It sounds like the complaints are driven by your MIL and bluntly (and possibly exaggerated) by the FIL. It sounds like he perhaps may not have much to complain about but is supporting his sensitive wife by speaking up.

Could you have outings with your MIL outside of the home where you two can share baby time until you’ve established expectations with her through actions and maybe not words? By that I mean, you can over a few outings show her you and baby want to spend time and get her used to how you want baby to be treated. Like if you’re in a park, she can’t really take off into another room with him. She may have less to complain about so your FIL doesn’t have to be so dramatic.

it took me over 6 years to conceive this baby and im a very excited first time mom, I’ll never be sorry for prioritizing MY bonding first lol. Also I never said IL’s don’t hold baby? I just grab him as soon as he starts crying and they don’t like that. I also don’t appreciate my baby being taken out my sight. PPA is very real and it’s clear you haven’t experienced it bc it sucks and I truly wish I didn’t start experiencing heart palpitations the moment I can’t see baby anymore.

you are entitled to boundaries with your own child. allowing other family members to bond with baby is nice, but it shouldn’t be done in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable (like someone leaving the room with baby, or expecting to not give them back when they’re fussy)

it sounds like this is a sensitive situation and can easily be aggregated unnecessarily. i like another commenter’s suggestion on having outings with mil and baby since you love your mil. you can get her used to your boundaries while making her feel connected.

Me and my MIL used to be close. We would go out shopping together or for lunch way before I became pregnant. I have a younger SIL who is 2 years younger than me and she has her own child who is 6. MIL distanced herself from me a while back because SIL expressed feeling jealous towards our relationship. So now I’ve been put in a place where I don’t how to act because im just a problem everywhere lol. I keep it cordial and friendly with my MIL but at this time im not interested in having solo social hangouts /: it’s not my fault she chose to take a step back with our relationship so I don’t feel like it’s on me to try to reestablish that connection. Maybe I’ll change my mind in the future as I have definitely considered doing the things you suggested

yeah im not budging on my parenting choices. I guess i just wanted to see if anyone has experienced anything similar and if their IL’s eventually stopped with the comments or if I should consider my hubbys proposal for his sake.

I think hubby needs to speak to them it needs to come from him rather than you, if you don’t go at all it will probably cause a bigger conflict but I totally get where you’re coming from people need to just not comment their opinions and let parents parent

I stopped contact with my MIL as she gave me such bad anxiety. She would constantly kiss LO, take him out of sight, make comments when I’d remind her before holding him not to kiss him. I stopped messaging her. And my anxiety went away shockingly.
Hubby still contacts her, I still speak to her if we visit or she comes to us.

I just told my husband she clearly doesn’t respect me as LOs mother if she can so clearly break the ONE boundary I have.
I told him she won’t be looking after him when she retires (which is her plan, that she has made clear that’s what she wants to do) because I can’t trust her.

Personally I’d see how the not going goes and let hubby go alone a few times. Tell him if they make comments about you now not going that they brought it on themselves and if they don’t stop they won’t have any contact with you or your children at all.

because you can bond with a baby in other ways. You don't have to take the baby out of the room.

I had either severe postpartum anxiety or (what we are more certain is likely) postpartum-OCD (I'm autistic, adhd and ocd is a comorbidity). Watching people hold my baby would cause me distress.

I wasn't able to leave her to even go to a dentist appointment for an hour until she was about 13 months old.

It's really hard.

Nobody is entitled to hold your child. (Except your partner obviously).

I hate that people think it's okay to wake a baby just because they want cuddles. Let the baby sleep 😒 it's not them who has to deal with a grouchy, screaming and overtired baby.

If he doesn't want to sit down and talk about it, but you do, maybe make a group message? Write down how you feel and explain you wanna move forward (if you do)

Why not try no contact? Your pregnant with your second and are keeping that a secret for a bit anyways. Stop over thinking and stressing about all this. Get all your cuddles in with your baby and family before the second one comes. Your in laws will still be there later on. I personally haven’t seen my in laws in months and its freakin great. My MIL frequently would make comments. They have come to see my husband at the house with the baby twice in the last two months. My baby is 4 1/2 months old and cries whenever my MIL holds her so my husband holds her the entire time snd they basically freak out that the baby is crying so much and leave usually after an hour. I have a camera in the living room so i got to watch while i was at work too and hear any comments made.

He needs to talk to them, but also just don’t go for awhile and see how it is

Sounds like your FIL doesn’t care if you guys come over or not

What if you shifted the narrative from a mom who won’t let them bond with their grandchild to a daughter in law who suffers from PPA and needs support? I think not talking about it just leaves more room for speculation/interpretation. Perhaps it’s an option to explain to her that your PPA is something that you cannot control and that these complaints are weighing on your husband so you both could do with a little understanding (I’d leave FIL out of the conversation) as well as reassuring her that you want your baby to have a good relationship with her. If she struggles to understand, use your SIL as an example (she was jealous, you heard her, understood her and adjusted yourself to support her. Do the same thing for your son and I). I had the same anxiety and even felt rage when my MIL would hold my baby (and she wouldn’t tough my baby without asking for permission) so I completely understand how you feel.