Mil visiting on her own terms

Hi guys! So my mil lives across the country. I’m going to include texts. I have repeatedly said that if she wanted to visit, she could visit for 2 weeks. Well, she just booked a ticket for a month :) am I in the wrong for this? She feels like my mom will get to see our baby more, which is true since my mom is only one state away. But I also had a conversation with my mom and told her that I didn’t want her here for more than a few days at a time since it’s not like they are just stopping by. They have to stay here day and night. And I love my mom but she can be a bit much. I’m not a fan of his mom, and she is always a bit much. Will post screenshots in comments
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A month is a long time, but if she timed it for when her son is home with baby that could be a good thing? She can help him with baby etc and then you won’t need to worry as much

@Elizabeth she is like fake nice lol. She asks about her son and I will try to open up to her and she has come backs for everything!! When she asked how my husband helps around the house and I said that he tend to do laundry. But he simply puts it in the washer and the dryer but then NEVER folds it and leaves it on the bed. And he waits for me to do it. Her response was “you’re the woman and you need to take up that responsibility”. Keep in mind, me and him have the EXACT same job, with the EXACT same hours. I was talking to her while cleaning the little box and she said that I shouldn’t be doing that. I had said that I asked her son to and he didn’t want to. Her response was “you need to get rid of the cats” and my response was (all in good fun) “I’ll just get rid of my husband ;)” and boyyyy did she flip out on me I just feel like he can never do anything wrong. Meanwhile if he were to talk to my mom about me, my mom would agree with him 😅

My in-laws stayed for a month once in our guest house and I swear we will never recover. It’s just too long! Especially if you have her exact dates.. ask your husband to change the dates to what you requested.

Can your husband not deal with it? We deal with our own family each to avoid any issues

My FIL came in June of 2019 and was supposed to stay for up to 6 months while going through Chemo. He's still here. We don't get along super well but we just do our own thing. My whole life would be different if he had left after a month. But I sure as heck would miss the assistance with the kids. And they would sure miss Papa! My point being, a month in the grand scheme of things doesn't seem that long to me and if she actually helps while there, man would that be a blessing!

I think she booked it for a month based off flexibility and $, and stated she can change the date to an earlier date too which i think should be fine? Especially if your partner is going to be leaning on her for the support

I don't see the problem. She booked an open ticket just in case, if you decide she shouldn't stay long she can still fly back home in 2 weeks and your husband can communicate that too.

@Giselle I’ve had multiple conversations with her on the phone as well about only staying two weeks. She is unfortunately more of a burden than a help, at least in the past. She NEVER pays for anything, the last two times he bought her plane ticket… when we weren’t financially able to do so. When we went out to dinner, she always tells him to pay. She literally tells him. And she just sat here and ordered an 80 dollar glass of bourbon. She doesn’t have a job, and asks him to send her money all the time, which he no longer does and she calls and complains about it. There is no reason she isn’t capable of having a job. She lives with his grandparents and has her mother wait on her hand and foot. I don’t see it as helpful, she stated that she needed a vacay. But I’m over here like… a newborn is nowhere near a vacation.

@Elizabeth I’ve never had someone treat me so disrespectfully as she does. She says something and then calls him and complains about it. When we are together in person as 3, she starts talking in Spanish to him. I find this extremely rude. Whenever she calls him she speaks in Spanish so that I can’t understand her… keep in mind, her first language is English. And I hear my name pop up multiple times. He usually tells me what she’s saying afterwords, and some of the things she says pisses me off. For Christmas we got her like 200 dollars worth of presents. They were from customized things about being a grandparent to just like smaller relaxation stuff. She bought me an 8 dollar shirt off shein, which wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, except she bought a XXXL. I’m a medium. I’m more of a small medium. And this was already a pregnancy shirt. Idk she rubs me the wrong way

@Bee he has a weird relationship with her to where he is sometimes uncomfortable with her as well. She didn’t raise him, she was absent for 9 years of his life.

I think that’s pushing and testing the boundaries and the baby isn’t even here yet. I would be upset, unfortunately my mother in law is greedy and selfish and a liar and so I’m probably biased but I would be straight up annoyed. So what happens when you ask her something like please don’t kiss the baby on the mouth and she does it anyways… just like she did here.. it’s not okay

@Samantha I just know she is going to try to have us pay for everything while she is here too. Like she does every time. I can’t financially support a newborn and his mother right now. Whenever my mom comes to visit she pays for dinner and tries to save money. His mom has him pay for everything, every single time.

She sounds so annoying and not genuine.

Yeah it’s not cool.. I understand where they are coming from kind of… but not really because clearly there’s been negative occurrences with her that have stuck with you so of course your senses are going to be up…. For example I told my MIL that when me and my husband go to work my dad will be watching the baby. Then the next week she texts my husband and says “I want to pick up Ava (my daughter) and take her shopping and to lunch” um… why just Ava? You’ve never done this before… and you just said some really mean things to me on the phone a couple days ago. No my child is not going with you… in my mind she’s trying to play grandma to my daughter now so she can have accesss to the new baby.. because where was this the last 4 years we’ve been together??

@Samantha yea that’s totally not cool on her end. Like I said before she’s like “fake nice” and then she will go and complain to him about everything I just said…

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@Elizabeth he doesn’t really want her to come in general either, he just doesn’t want to hurt her feelings

Maybe she's trying extra hard to make up for it. It's a big time frame. Can you ask her to stay with you for 2wks but given that it's your first baby, you also need space to just be a new family unit. But the other two weeks she can stay nearby and come around just not every day in the second half of the 4wks?

@Bee I wish I was able to. Last time we tried this she told him that if she stayed elsewhere she expected him to pay for it. And I won’t have that financially with a newborn

Right, I see... It would be good to get your partner involved, make agreements with him on what is (not) going to happen while she is around and ensure the date of her return flight is set before she even lands. If she crosses some boundaries, it is also because he let's her.

Yeaaa I see these texts and it screams fake nice to me. I see why you’re annoyed! A month is way too long in my opinion, you gave her the dates and she went and did something completely different 🤦🏼‍♀️ And I find that people say they’ll help out so they’re not an inconvenience. But they really are. Their “help” is typically taking the baby 🙃 Anyway, I agree with what others have said. Definitely find a way to get your SO involved in this. Based on personal experience if you don’t look like a united front to her she’ll find a way to pin it all on you (which she might do anyway). Then all of a sudden you’re the nasty DIL keeping her from her grand baby. It’s hard, but we try to have preemptive conversations to be on the same page with every little thing she could possibly push back on.

Wow she seems... alot... 😂 I couldn't deal with my MIL for a whole month, I can barely do an hour visit once a week haha I need to ask.. would you be okay with her taking over and doing all the work when your husband is at home and you go back to work? (Not saying he wouldn't pull his weight or anything) but grandma's often like playing mummy. Or do you have a good enough relationship that you're happy for her to do so? Will she respect all your boundaries when you're not around? I only ask because this situation would drive me insane, I'd be sooo paranoid! I've yet to leave my MIL alone with my daughter, and she's now 2 years old! 😬 anyone who tries to push outdated ridiculous advice on me and says "well it was okay for my kids!" Is just a firm no for babysitting haha

That aside... Stop people pleasing .. stop that RIGHT now! You're the couple who are about to have a new baby, everyone should be working around you and only you! You might feel fine now and be happy to accommodate everyone, but seriously.. parenthood will hit you like a train! Look after yourselves and do what's best for your little family, start as you mean to go on ❤️

@Maddie so we are both military and he is going to take leave for those two weeks. Which is another reason why I don’t want to do a month. That means I would be at work away from my baby for a month when she’s only 6 weeks old. Also, his mom was not in his life for 9 years because she was in jail for drug activity (selling) sooooo I don’t wanna leave her home alone with her 😅

Literally my MIL

She can say that but you don't have to do it. If she's not going to be respectful, just let her know she needs to change her ticket to a 2wk stay. That you were clear about it not being longer than that because, while thoughtful, the priorityis for you to have space while you adjust. She can come do another 2wk visit later. It's not your responsibility to manage her feelings when she is ignoring yours. It means it might get uncomfortable but ultimately if you put in boundaries early, then it should mean a precedent is set and it should be easier later.

My MIL thinks that cutting people off, cutting me off, or threatening not to come to our twins 1st bday, will make my husband change his stance and do whatever she wants when she wants. She does not realise that the only thing it does is guarantee that she's not contacting us for a while so we have a period of peaceful time. She can try to manipulate but can only succeed if we enable her to. She's just told my husband she's "uncomfortable" with me if I go to their house. I've been there maybe 4 times in 7yrs. It's her attempt to get him alone and do some messed up power play over Easter. So she thought he'd come over on Easter to get the kids chocolates. He didn't. He told her he won't go anywhere or interact with anyone who had an issue with me. He also added that she needs to stop using me as a scapegoat for her poor behaviour and relationship with him. My MIL is more aggressive but the idea of boundaries is still there and we just go over upsetting her. He communicates in a way that it leaves it open

For relationship, but he's stopped caring if she gets upset because it's manipulative behaviour. If she's comfortable enough expressing herself ow she feels and trying to manipulate to get what she wants, then we should feel comfortable enough to say no. If she's upset to get a reaction after being told no, that's not our problem or something we need to feel worried or bad about Easier said than done but it abea years of this hassle happening and marring every special occasion

@Bee thank you so much! I was just upset because I strictly said 2 weeks, even gave her dates. My mother lives 4 hour drive away so we do see my side of the family more often. His mother lives an 8 flight away, so I don’t want her to feel like she’s not welcome. But I also want her to be able to respect the plans that I set up. We have to take leave for this so I’m going to go back to work when she’s here. So I said before I’m also not comfortable leaving a 6 week old home with him and his mother for a month. Especially when I’m trying to breastfeed. Only one of us can be home at a time and I feel like he should be home with her (if I’m stuck in a house with her I might lose it, and because she probably wants to spend more time with her son). I’m not super assertive in person, so I want to have everything handled now. If she’s here and tries to stay longer then I don’t know if I’ll be able to say no to her face.

I'm sorry it's something you have to deal with right now. I'm the same. I'm not super assertive in person. You're doing a great job. Do what's right for you and your family. In hindsight you don't want to look back and think it couldve been different and regret it. I hope it all goes well for you all

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