Am I expecting too much from my sister?
My sister and are 2 years and 2 days apart. We have always been so close, best friends. We went to the same college and then when she moved 300 miles away, I moved nearby to be close to her. We use to dream about having kids together and raising them together. We had our first kids 6 months apart and our second kids 2 days apart (that was not planned lol). Unfortunately with my brother in law and I having similarly strong personalities, I feel he has distanced my sister from me somewhat over the years. I have accepted this to some degree as a natural progression of adult sibling relationships, however, they have a female friend that they met in college and that I use to get together with through them over the years. I've been invited into her home, baby showeraC outings etc. over the years. She and I are both teachers and we taught in nyc at separate schools. We both wanted jobs teaching in the suburbs, and happened to land interviews at the same school 7 years ago. It was for the same special education teaching position. I ended up getting the job. However, months later, she was called back for a second position that was a year long position. She called me to give her all the scoop on interview questions and help her plan her lesson. I did everything I could to help her get the job. She got it. However, I noticed thingns change between us in that first year of teaching at the same school. As the first year came to a close, her position was in jeopardy, and I noticed she started making an obvious effort to net work with some of the mean girls at work, who were constantly in the principlal's ear. She slowly started distancing herself from me, and it felt like she was also maybe alienating me from the group. Her position was saved that year, but every year for sometime she was facing a cut, and I just noticed she no longer even really spoke to me, and the other girls were constantly building her up to the principal, and it felt like it was intentional. I told my sister about this because it was awkward and it felt like her friend was trying to get the others not to like me, maybe because I was the next lowest in seniority and she'd rather me be cut? I could only speculate. However, this girl has been mean to me ever since, and I recently observed her talking/whispering about me at a small faculty meeting, I was so sure she was talking about me, and her and another colleague began passing notes (so childish) and I knew it was about me in my gut, but I wanted to be sure. When they got up at the break, I went over to the notebook they were writing in, and sure enough it's bad mouthing me. I went to the bathroom and started to cry, mind you I've been the subject of this mean girl treatment of hers for years now and at this time was 9 months pregnant. I decided to confront her about it once and for all. I asked if we could talk after work, and expressed my concern she was whispering and passing notes about me during this meeting, and she vehemently denied and assured me it wasn't about me. I confronted her with a picture I took of the note. She changed her tune now that she was cornered, and admitted it but was getting angry and saying she didn't need to have this conversation. I asked if there's anything I ever did to her because I've felt this treatment now for years, she couldn't think of anything I'd ever done.
Anyways, she is still a mean girl, I obviously don't trust her, and it sucks that I have to work with her. It sucks even more that my sister still includes her in events. She's planning my nieces party and is going to invite her. Is it odd for me to want loyalty from my sister who I have always been SO close with?? How can her friend be so close with her if she's knowingly shitting on her sister, who helped her get the job, at work??
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Well it is her daughter’s birthday. But you also have a choice, be the bigger person and go and ignore the friend or choose to not go and miss out on memories you could be making with your family.
Some people hate conflict and maybe your sister is just trying to avoid that with her. Have you told your sister that her decision to remain friends and invite her to things makes you feel like she is siding with her and not you?? She may not know that this is how you are taking the situation.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing this. I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation and totally can relate to the feelings of betrayal from your sister because where is the loyalty? For y’all to have been so close growing up, even into adulthood and for her to continue to befriend someone who intentionally treats you badly is unsettling. I would never be friends with someone who disrespects and purposefully hurts someone that I love.
Your feelings, concern and confusion are valid.
Do what’s best for you 💗 I hope you figure it out and I hope your sister can understand and empathize with you.
I don't think it's your sister's responsibility to mediate or take sides.
For an event like a party it makes sense that if she is close to both that she invite both. It would be different for a small outing or plan that could be done anytime or even multiple times. I think she's probably doing the best she can to not get in the middle of it.
Awww I’m sorry. I hate mean girls. To randomly decide to hate and talk badly about someone is really messed up. What a tough position to be in! I don’t go to certain family events because sometimes someone is invited that was really mean to my husband. It makes it awkward for everyone. I refuse to be around people who treat me poorly. I’m very black and white about it.
Fair, you're allowed to feel that way.
I on the otherhand would never expect a sibling to involve themself in a disagreement between me and anyone, and I would probably not get involved the other way around.
I know there are people who would disagree with my take, but I don't see why my sibling should be involved with my relationships. Their relationship with the other person is entirely separate from their relationship with me. I don't think that means we don't support or care about each other just that we don't need to always agree on who we have in our lives.
I've had a far worse than mean girl situation in my own life and I didn't demand anyone take my side including my sister who remained friends for years with the other person until their lives happened to drift apart. They still keep in contact online. It has nothing to do with me.
Her sister may have reasons for continuing the friendship that we don't know about. We have limited information from one post we don't know the history here.
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