in Rainbow Babies: TTC, Pregnancy, & After Pregnancy Or Infant Loss

Lost my best friend though infertility 💔

Hi, so this might be a long one please bare with me... So I had a best friend I have know her since I was 11 (now 35) she actually introduced me to my husband so my husband and her husband are also friends. Growing up we where inseparable, when we went of to university we didn't see each other much and sometimes I wouldn't hear from her but we would always catch up where we left off! When I got married we started to ttc straight away I got pregnant quickly but unfortunately it ended in a very traumatic ectopic pregnancy. For the next 5 years I had every test and intervention and no more pregnancies and no babies 😢. It came time for us to go try IVF, we put every penny we had (and a lot of pennies we didn't have) in to one round of IVF. My best friend (she had always told me she didn't want children) had not long moved back to where we grew up and was so supportive of how I was feeling I confided in her about just how difficult I was finding it all and how scared I was for IVF not to work. We went through the whole process which was very difficult and at the end of the 2 weeks found out I was pregnant although very soon found out the pregnancy wasn't going to last. I kept my friend updated after every appointment and it took me 3 weeks to miscarry. I was totally devastated 💔 I had never felt more broken and honestly felt like I had nothing to live for. I had to take time of work because I couldn't stop crying and I knew we couldn't afford to do it again so for me the only dream I ever had to be a mum was over. 2 days later my friend told my husband she wanted to facetime us! Which was unusual.... my husband kind of figured out what it was and told me "I think she's pregnant" I just fell to pieces! She text me to tell me instead and I explained that I was so so happy for her but that at the minute I am so sad for myself and I don't want to take away from this happy time in her life by her having to be sensitive to me. I asked for some space and she told me that was no problem that she understood. I sent her flowers and checked in with her every couple of weeks/months. I worked on myself, went to counselling to deal with my loss of 2 babies and loss of motherhood. It was the most difficult time in my life. When I did chat to her she was always so supportive and I loved her for that and always thanked her for understanding. 10 months later I found out I was pregnant it was the absolute shock of my life and I was terrified I would loss this baby too! I didn't tell anyone only my husband. Even tho I was still in sporadic contact with my friend I didn't say anything.... until I was about 5 months pregnant. I text to tell her that I was pregnant and that I was terrified and that it was so unexpected. She was of course so lovely and delighted for me. I didn't ask to meet as I'm very aware I wasn't there for her but she was keen to organise a meet up so I went along with what she wanted. We had arranged to meet but she cancelled which was fine..... A few days later my husband got a text from her husband saying that he doesn't wish for his wife or child to have anything to do with me as I am toxic. This went back and forth for a few messages and that was it. I had send my friend a message saying that I couldn't understand... I thought being honest with her about how I was feeling was safe... I was in a Terrible place mentally and I couldn't put aside my grief I apologised for the hurt I had caused her.... but she didn't reply and just blocked me.... This was over a year ago and I still think about it every day... I know her husband can be very narcissistic and controlling, but she could have replied? I know some people who have been through infertility may be able to still be present through others pregnancy and I honestly admire those women so much... infertility chewed me up and spat me out and I honestly had nothing left and I thought I was being honest with a friend.

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Wow! I think that you were respectful and handled the situation VERY well, if someone wanted to FaceTime me to inform me they were pregnant 2 days after a miscarriage they would of got a very different reaction! It does sound like maybe the husband has influenced her, but the fact she’s chosen to block you now is awful - I wouldn’t lose sleep over this, if someone is choosing to treat you this way then they are not worth your time. I have personally had a long term friendship break down because she just was not the same person she was before and used to cause me so much upset, some times it is better to let them go xxx

I really understand both sides of the situation. I have had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, and watched both my siblings have babies during those difficult months when I was navigating pregnancy loss. It was so hard, filled with a lot of envy and confusion why it had to be me that never got her baby, I was also grieving the mother I thought I was going to be 3x over. However, I did work hard to differentiate my experiences and their experiences, so that I could be there for my sister and my SIL in the most life-changing journey there is, support them in the rollercoaster that is postpartum and love on their babies, knowing that they are the most important things in their world. I can see why she would be hurt that you missed those transformative years of her and her child’s life, however I do also understand the heartbreak and isolation of infertility and pregnancy loss. It’s so hard. So sorry you had to go through all of that 💕

I am so so sorry this has happened to you 😔 I’ve suffered multiple losses/unexplained infertility and a very close friend of mine has battled infertility and can not have children, but I gave her space and time to come to terms with my pregnancy/baby and didn’t push to see her unless she felt she could meet up. Infertility and losing babies is bloody hard and heartbreaking hence leaving the ball in my friends court as I would not want to lose her friendship. You did nothing wrong and I think you were respectfully honest and we all need to look after our mental wellbeing. Sending big hugs and hope you’re ok xxx

Thanks ladies! I appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and also all your replies. If I'm honest the old me ... the one who started out on the infertility journey could have put my own grief aside and been there for my friend. But after 5 years I just couldn't I was on my knees and couldn't see a way out of my sadness. We have been so close always so I thought it was a safe place to be honest with her and I loved her too much to fake it. The way her husband handled it ... to go to my husband to address his issue with me has left me feeling like she has no say. We live in a small town and I live in fear of seeing them. I know I'm a good person but they made me feel like a monster just for trying to put my own feelings first at a time where I was at my lowest. X

I absolutely relate and I’m so sorry your friend is treating you this way. When I had a miscarriage after ttc for a year and being told I had unexplained infertility… I was completely devastated, had intrusive suicidal thoughts and would sometimes feel out of control upset for hours after i even saw a pregnant person. I hear stories of people being able to put their grief aside and be there for pregnant friends or those with babies but I wasn’t capable of it- I could barely get through daily life. I told my pregnant friends that I love them, I’m not mad at them and they did nothing wrong, but that I needed space from them for a while. They told me they were sad but understood, and we’ve reconnected now. I did lose one friend who just couldn’t stop with her toxic positivity, and couldn’t understand the trauma of infertility combined with loss. We’ve apologized to each other but the friendship isn’t the same. Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Sounds like the husband is abusive. You said you know he is controlling. It’s not normal for people in their mid 30s to have the husbands decide who their wives will be friends with. I wouldn’t worry about what you did and I’m so sorry you’ve lost a friendship - just stay open to if she ever comes to talk to you again. Unfortunately that’s all you can do in a lot of abuse cases.

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