husband’s female best friend

i blew it out of proportion yesterday as I was soo mad, I cussed. so he tells me i’m ungrateful and disrespectful. since i told him “ why should i respect you if you don’t respect me” mind you he has told me the same lines before. he then dragged my dad into it. so I threw his new phone on the floor. I know it was soo wrong of me to do that but he dragged my dad into it, when I never bring his parents into it. my husband was uncontrollably sobbing last night because of the things I said but I was just sooo mad. since my friends would never send such reels or make fun of my equation with my husband. my husband is now very angry, slept in another room and idk which of us is more wrong.

please advise

Reading this made me sooo MADDD! I’m sorry how is he telling you you can’t talk to guys when he is talking to that girl?? That’s pure hypocrisy! It’s automatically implied if you tell ur partner not to do one thing you shouldn’t do it either. Also why did he answer the phone when she called? And why is he in that group chat. Not talking to her is not enough! He should exit that group chat and block her! and who is she? Work friend? School friend etc? If he doesn’t see her at work why is it so hard to not talk to her? It’s basic respect towards you. (If he does see her at work he shouldn’t be talking outside of work) and talking about ur marriage to a non mahram is wrong on another level! That’s emotional cheating he should look it up. And why is he dragging ur dad into this? You have every right to be angry at him! May Allah put some sense into him and guide him, Ameen!

And what was he planning to tell your dad? ‘Oh I told her not to talk to the opp gender and not only was I a hypocrite and I did but I’ve been badmouthing about our marriage to her on top as well! But now she is mad at me it’s all her fault’ ?

You should ask him if you did the same thing and made the same exuded he did, would he be ok with you talking/answering calls to a guy ?

thank you for your reply. I feel like I have no one to talk to.

so this is his best friend from back home. we are expats. this group chat has his other male best friend and him leaving the group would just look odd and paint him in a bad light and me because why would he leave the group on his own. it has to be his wife right?

we moved past the marriage thing. but it still gets to me sometimes.

It doesn’t matter, as a Muslim married man he shouldn’t be talking to females or be in group chats for bants with females anyways so who cares what they think! You have full Islamic right to tell him to not be in the group chat and to block her.. why is he as a Muslim married man talking to a non mahram on top confiding in her as well! He should know better!

If he is worried his male friend would look at him in a bad light and not understand why he left the gc (esp when the female is sending reels about couple arguing) then his male friend is bad for him as well! He should get new friends

Just out of curiously, if you were in a group chat with a male and female friend, would he be ok? How would he react? If he would be angry/annoyed then why is he surprised you are? that’s hypocrisy which is haram

1. He shouldn’t have been talking to anyone after he told you not to have any guy friends
2.on top he emotionally confided in her about your marriage! -emotional cheating
3.after you told him how much it hurt you, he ANSWERED her call! It doesn’t matter if he told you she is calling before hand, he shouldn’t have answered!
4. He is still in a group chat with her where she sends reels about couples arguing?? WTH

I’m sorry but you need to have a serious chat with him and tell him to block her and to never contact her again, he was disrespectful to you wayy too many times

I’m sorry if I sound harsh but I feel like you are letting him go off easy hence why the resentment/u not being over the marriage thing. Islamically what he is doing is wrong in so many levels. He needs to stop what he is doing completely and give you closure by blocking her so you can move forward together as a couple and you be able to trust him. Hence why I’m saying this. Hope my advice helps, I’ll keep you in my duas x

I just saw the screenshot, wth! How is this blowing out of proportion?? Even non Muslims would be furious about their partner emotionally confiding about their marriage to the opp gender, how is he saying this is small?? Would you be able to speak to your dad or someone he might listen to ? Or an imaam, or get couple counselling? He needs to be told off by someone he would listen to

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/emotional-cheating#social-media

i have told him he needs to block her now. and yes, i do think i have trust issues . but i want to be the nice forgiving patient wife, we have a lot of mutual friends and connections so it seems a but harsh to block her. hence why I didn’t tell him to in the first place.

I know the whole thing doesn’t apply to you here, but things like him going to her when you have a problem in your relationship ship instead of coming to you and opening up to you is very wrong! And Islamically speaking if he stopped being her friend as soon as he got married (as he should) it wouldn’t have led to this anyways! Hence why Islamically these boundaries are very important to BOTH genders in a marriage

i did tell him let’s go for counselling but he does not want to. also we cannot afford it and we cannot take our 2 y old as we do not have help.

thank you for sympathising with me. i have not shared this with anyone since the last 2 years. and its weighed heavy on my heart.

You can’t be forgiving and patient if he didn’t do anything on his part! And keeps disrespecting you! inshallah he blocks her for good and it will give you some sort of closure and ur able to move on. you are not a bad wife to be angry/annoyed at him. Anyone in your situation would. Also please don’t keep things like these just to yourself, it’s best to speak to someone you trust. If you find can’t afford to speak to a professional and he is refusing couples Councelling, how about you speak to someone yourself 1-1 once a month? Might be good for your mental health to talk things out so you can process and move on inshallah. May Allah make him understand the severity of the situation he put you in, and guide him, Ameen.

so at that point. we just had an unplanned baby , hadn’t had sex simce my last trimester and postpartum. I was back to my home country and we don’t do long distance well. so tensions were high. and yes, I felt horrible about it. but it took a lot of me to move past that. I also constantly check his phone since he forgets to update me . the updates have been better after a lot of arguments but to be fair it was that one time that he said that. and after she replied with that message .there was no conversation. he also knows my stance on cheating.

Also couples Councelling you guys can go like once every 2 weeks if finance is his issue, and are any of your parents close by to leave your 2 yr old? Is there any reason why he’s refusing? Just because something is small to him and he doesn’t understand, doesn’t mean it’s not big to others

yes, I did want to confide in someone but that would put more strain on our relationship. and I don’t want family looking at our relationship through a glass . healthline seems like a good option but i want the islamic focus

all our family is abroad my 2.5 y old goes to day care 2 days a week .

he thinks it’s unnecessary as we have the ability to work it out by ourselves

So you have the option to go Councelling when your little one is in daycare. But he hurt YOU. You are the one’s who’s hurt and betrayed, and if you feel like you want professional help he can’t say otherwise. He can’t just hurt you then stop you from getting better as well. Like the sister said I think he knows he’s in the wrong deep down hence why he’s refusing counselling, which is very shitty of him

thank you for your support. i expressed myself and he agreed to block her. we will discuss this tonight. he is a wonderful father, but sometimes I do feel like he is controlling . it is a lot better now after communicating. i also feel like i am toxic in some ways . like yesterday I threw his phone in rage and damaged the screen. but we have both come long ways and inshaaallah allah gives us the wisdom and grace to get through this.

thank you so much for the heads up. i appreciate the support

I agree with Nickky you are a reflection of how he treats you. He has pushed you to this point because he didn't respect your boundaries. All of this could have been avoided if he blocked her completely to begin with. You have not done anything wrong here and I'm glad you stood your ground. Just make sure he hasn't changed her name on his phone to something else etc.

i don’t think he’s capable of that. and if he does that, it would be the end or the relationship

i have spoken about what i’m okay with and not okay with. he convinces me otherwise and i feel awful even coming on here and speaking about this because he’s not a bad guy.

we’ve been together almost 4 years

congratulations ❤️ who knew it was so tough 😂

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Your husband is in the wrong here before blaming the girl, why is he even messaging her and talking about his marriage and saying "why is married life not exciting" just gave the girl more opportunity to intervene and gossip and cause problems if anything he is the one to blame for letting others knows about how he feels in his marriage this should be kept private whether guy or girl mates and for being a hypocrite.

the guy is not muslim but they’re all going to think i’m such a weirdo as I have broken their friendship. but at this point i’m so done. and i’m fully convinced to stand my ground. thanks to you ladies i’m convinced i’m right. may allah bless all of you xx

i know i was soooo mad when i found out… but i swallowed it all up and thought to forgive him for the sake of our son and iur relationship. i told myself that i can give someone 3 chances. beyond that i’m not going to tolerate it. it’s scary but allah is with me.