MIL - opinions please!
So my MIL has very unrealistic expectations of how life will be when baby comes.
She lives roughly a three hour drive away and has six large dogs who are untrained and not well behaved. She’s single and has no one to look after them so they go where she goes. This is where part of the problem lies.. my partner and I have a very small two bedroom house in which downstairs is just one open plan room. She believes it’s perfectly acceptable to have all six dogs roaming around our home when baby is here. We’ve lived there just short of a year and have allowed all six over on many occasions as we’re both dog lovers but I’m not comfortable with them being around my young baby. We don’t have anywhere else in the house for them to be, and they just don’t stop. They constantly want attention, climb all over you and the largest dog constantly has a huge amount of drool dribbling from his mouth which goes everywhere.
I’ve put together a message which is written as if it’s aimed at all family members and specifically says, ‘I know there’s dogs on both sides of the family’ so that she knows the rule doesn’t only apply to her and she’s not being singled out. I’ve basically said we’re not comfortable with dogs being around baby until he’s a bit older and bigger and that it won’t be forever and will be reviewed.
The message also talks about all family being welcome to come meet baby when brought home but my partner and I want his short paternity time just for us, with no visitors.
His mum has told us she’s taken a week of annual leave when baby will be two weeks old (if arriving on due date) so she can essentially stay for a week and help. The message talks about understanding that people want to spend time with baby but I’ll be quite overwhelmed at that point and don’t want visitors all day, everyday which is what she’s planning. I haven’t known her too long and we haven’t built a proper rapport/relationship yet, so I definitely won’t feel comfortable breast feeding around her. My partner will be back in work so it’ll just be me and her. I just don’t want it..
Anyway, my dad understand my concerns but doesn’t agree with sending a message. He feels as though I should just address each thing as it happens and if I send the message, I’ll essentially be causing chaos. However, if I dont manage expectations now, I’ll find myself in uncomfortable positions that I’m trying to avoid such as her bringing the dogs over. I can’t tell her once she’s driven them three hours that they’re not welcome inside..
Sorry for the long post! I could write so much more but it’s already too long haha. I just want to know if I’m being horrid and if sending the message is the right thing to do?
The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.
Learn more about our guidelines.
Maybe you could word it by saying ‘we would like to introduce the dogs to the baby slowly rather than all in one go as if could be very overwhelming for everyone, get the dogs used to the sound of the baby’ xx
Id be getting your boyfriend/husband to set the boundaries with her and leaving you out of having to do that. He needs to tell her the 6 dogs aren’t welcome around the newborn and address what her expectations are for the weeks annual leave shes taking. Does she think shes staying over if she lives hours away? Set the record straight in advance of baby arriving so the worry isnt hanging over you for sure, but it’s not your place to have to do it when it’s not your mum! 😘
I agree with . You don’t need the stress of you being left to sort it. I personally think all your expectations are more than reasonable , 6 dogs around a baby would stress me out and I do think it’s quite presumptuous of his mother to expect to be with you during such a personal time between you and your partner. I’m like you I wouldn’t feel comfortable breastfeeding infront if my MIL and that’s ok if that’s how you feel. I think at the end of the day, you have to put boundaries in place to protect yourself and she just has to accept it. Xx
I would love to word it that way but she’s the type of woman who does exactly what she wants and in my partners words ‘needs it spelling out’. She would take the word slowly as introducing two dogs at a time, straight away. She already mentioned this to my partner, saying that none of the dogs have experienced being around babies/children before so she will introduce two at a time and has already chosen which two will come the day he’s born. It’s stressful! 😅
100% your partner needs to set the boundaries with his mother before your baby comes! He needs to sit his mum down and set out your boundaries as a couple and manage her expectations.
It should all be addressed before baby gets here, people might be hurt or confused but at the end of the day it’s your baby and your family unit that is being created and it’s better that they know up front what the plan will be before the baby gets there 😊
I hope it all works out for you!
I agree and I wish he would send the message but at the same time, we both agree that there’s less chance of her fighting against me than him. She made a comment yesterday saying ‘I’m going to pitch a tent in your garden when I stay for the week’ so yes, she does believe she’s staying for a week and I think she wanted my partner to say something like ‘don’t be silly, you can stay in the lounge’. Sad thing is, we never agreed to her coming over, she just does what she wants and always invites herself!
If his mum chooses to fight with him then that’s not really anything to do with you and I don’t feel as though you should have to be worrying about sorting this miscommunication out. He’s her son, she will always love and forgive him, but you’re not her daughter and there’s the potential for it to cause fractures in your still-new relationship with her if this has to come from you. You’re also heavily pregnant and should not be having to stress about this!!!!
thank you, I honestly started to question whether I was being reasonable or a control freak! I just want a few weeks to find my feet with baby and bond without always having to hand him over to visitors and having people constantly around me. Like I say, she never asked to spend a week with us, she’s TOLD us what’s happening which is very frustrating. I hope she accepts it but I can’t see it going down well! X
it’s so nice to hear people agree with getting it out there prior to baby arriving so thank you! I agree with what you’re saying about her loving and forgiving him but not me - that’s where a lot of the worry and stress is coming from! I might have another conversation with him and see if he’ll do it. I could really do without the stress 🫠
I genuinely don’t get why people don’t understand when you have a baby your instincts is to have them close to you and spend time bonding with them. It’s important for the baby and for your recovery. It’s really unfair when people try to insert themselves without considering the mums feelings. You gotta stand up for yourself and that doesn’t mean a confrontation but she has to respect your boundaries because if you don’t insert them now it will only get harder xx
Ever thought of maybe "telling" her she can stay in a hotel/motel nearby? That's what sounds more reasonable verses being overbearing in your home with 6 dogs. That's just absolutely crazy to me that she even thinks that's okay.
I think what you want is completely reasonable, and to be honest even if it wasn’t it wouldn’t matter, it’s your body, your baby so it’s all your choices. All of my family live 2.5+ away, so what we have said in advance (but in person/on phone) is that we are happy for people to come and visit in the first few weeks once we give the go ahead, but we suggested they plan it as a weekend away doing their own things and then pop and see us just like they would if the lived down the road, so pop in for coffee and then pop in again the next day before they go, as we’ve explained it will be a lot to have people over for many hours and so don’t know how the birth is going to go. And our alternative for them if they don’t want to do that is wait 6 weeks until my partner is on annual leave and then they can come for a longer visit, although we are not offering they can stay with us.
With regard to the dogs, one can be a lot with a new baby, so I really couldn’t imagine 6!
I'm in a similar situation. I got a puppy before I knew I was pregnant, I gave the dog to my parents (big dog) and they've not trained the dog at all. My parents have been invited to stay once I give birth as I'll be recovering from csection and some other things which will make me very very tired.
Unfortunately they are planning on bringing the massive puppy to my house around my new born baby and around my csection incision when they cant get the dog not to jump up.
I'm unsure how to let her know my feelings - even though I have absolutely no right really. 😅
I think your partner should speak to her, its his mother! And surely he agrees to have that many dogs around a newborn is unsafe. The mind boggles that your MIL does not see that as well, and I'm a dog lover myself but its just common sense xx
Download the Peanut App
