Dad Issues
So I just want to get the opinions of other moms and daughters in case I’m in the wrong or being too sensitive. Im 30 years old married with 2 daughters. My parents and my husband parents all went to high school and/or college together. I’ve never had a relationship with my biological father. He impregnated my mom and his then girlfriend (later wife) at the same time. His wife didn’t care for me and then she got really sick when I was maybe 8 years old. She passed a few years ago. My mom reached out to my dad last year encouraging him to build a relationship with me. My mom told me and told my dad I’d reach out. I don’t know why she did this because I’d never said I wanted to speak to him or see him before. I didn’t reach out because I wasn’t in the best place mentally to have the necessary conversations to have a productive relationship. My mom shared my contact card with him this year. She said she just got tired of him constantly calling her at work crying about me not calling yet. Well my mom forgot that my work numbers were attached to the contact card. My phone is on DND while at work due to company policy of no cell phones. So he called me on my cell and received my VM. Then he called at work. When the receptionist came to tell me my dad was on the phone, I thought step dad. My step dad became apart of my life when I was born and I’ve had his last name since birth (never adopted). When I realized it wasn’t him I just started to cry and ran out of the office. I went to calm down outside then called him back from my cell. He wanted to talk about how his wife was really sick back then and she needed him. But I don’t think he realizes I needed him too. I’ve always felt less than in relationships and not good enough (this is even projected into my marriage). My dad used this as the excuse why he was never active in my life. Just as an FYI I tried to build a relationship with him 7 years ago but I went no contact when he showed his true colors. That wasn’t something I wanted to hear and I haven’t really reached out. After that conversation I called my husband at work crying. He called me a few times afterwards and we spoke. But I just don’t really want a relationship with someone who didn’t see me as important enough to have a relationship with back then. I needed my dad when I was a kid growing up. I still see how that hurts me today.
Fast forward to yesterday. My mom and father in law saw my dad at their high school kick back. My dad told my mom that he calls me and I never answer. I told my mom he’s lying. He hasn’t reached out since New Years and I’m not reaching out. My father in law called my husband last night to say that grandkids should have a relationship with all their grandparents. The phone was on speaker so I heard everyone’s words myself. Perry much my husband said he agreed and he’s going to reach out himself and talk to my dad so he can meet our kids. I don’t want that! I’ve always been selective with who my kids are around. I have a roster of 5 close family members that we have as sitters. Am I wrong for being upset with my husband and father in law? I feel like they don’t understand because their relationship is much different. My father in law has always been there for all his children. They think I should just get over it, forgive, and establish that relationship.
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That is tough I would talk to your fil and husband about how he wasn't there for you as a child and he can't just walk back in like nothing happened and you don't feel comfortable with your children having a relationship with him while you don't really have 1 with him too everyone always seems to forget about the past but that was your whole childhood not growing up with your bio dad
They are all in the wrong, no one should be making any of these decisions for you! I'm so sorry they're all putting you in this position
I know you say you don't want a relationship with your biological father but you are very negatively affected by the relationship you have with him. I think you need counseling to work on this insecurities. I think your husband and FIL are just doing what they think is best, I don't think they're actions are malicious. As you said their relationship is different so I can't understand. Speak with your husband about supporting your decisions and your FIL will follow. It's your mother I have the issue with. Knowing the entire history she should not have put you in that situation. If she wished to repair the relationship with him, she should not use you as a pawn to do that.
My situation with my biological father was the same (him having another family and not interested in me) until I was 17 and my mother forced him into my life. It was horrible. I didn't know him, I didn't trust him and honestly I didn't even like him. Thankfully my entire family, extended and all are no contact with him now. There's no way in hell anyone could have him meet my babies. I'd lose my mind.
Personally it sounds like your mother, FIL and husband are all disrespecting your boundaries, both as an individual and as a mother.
Children do NOT need all grandparents. They'll have plenty of love. Your FIL is projecting how he would feel and using it to sympathise with your bio father but it's an entirely different situation. Your bio father is basically a stranger. It's only natural that you don't want a strange man who broke your trust around your babies. Idc about blood relation when someone has shown their true colours. Stay strong and don't let them pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with
I also do not have a relationship with my father. Absolutely no way in hell will he be allowed around my child. My child has plenty of love in her life and doesn't need or owe anyone else anything. When I was in my 20's I also had to deal with family members not listening to me and disrespecting my decisions by going behind my back to try to force a relationship. I had to put my foot down with all of them that what they were doing was out of line and hurtful. I even threatened to go no contact with them if it continued, and I meant it. I also changed my phone number and moved so he couldn't continue harassing me. Your husband should be supporting you. I would start by talking about everything and laying out your boundaries to him. Then you two should be a team telling all the grandparents that they are majorly overstepping. They get absolutely no say in your decisions or family dynamics. I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate you coming over and telling them how to live their lives.
Not thier place to decide on whether you have a relationship with him or not. And in order for your children to have a relationship with him, it would require both you and your husbands agreement, which you don't have. So they all need to back off.
However, I would encourage some therapy on your part to help deal with this. Not necessarily with a view to starting a relationship with him, but for your own peace of kind and closure xx
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