Discipline

The answer to this highly depends on how old the child is...

Spank them. It’s not my first option. It’s my last. But behavior like that id absolutely spank them for it. That’s crazy.

@Carina my friend, has a 6 year old, and she's a single mom. Her daughter acts out with her but doesn't do that when she's with me. Her mom calls me almost daily and tells me, "I spanked her and put her in timeout, but she won't stop" but she starts acting right when I'm on the phone. I don't really have to do anything when she's here. I give her 1 warning, then it's timeout, then it's a pop on her butt or thigh. I don't know if anyone has other things that might work over at her mom's.

Getting mouthy id not speak to them until they can speak nicely. Hitting, biting ectt can't play with them children they are hurting until they can learn to play nicely and not hurt others.
Destroying things id take things off them that they care about until they can take care of things and not destroy things.

@Clarissa what about not wanting to shower? She hits her mom and calls her names and refuses to shower.

Ok, please try not to take offense to this, as I mean it genuinely and trying to offer support and solidarity as that sounds really tough. But... typically kids, especially at that age, are incredibly sensitive to the energy you as the parent put out, and even more so, they are little sponges and most behavior is learned from their parents and caregivers. Mouthing off and breaking things is likely a subconscious physical response to the discipline style. Almost like a fight or flight response, her auto response is fight. Similarly, the violence toward other kids is likely learned behavior from being popped etc at home. Finding another style of discipline that is more positive and compassionate will likely work wonders in course correcting her behavior. Look into authoritative parenting. Also called boundary parenting or gentle parenting. Plus natural consequences and logical consequences vs traditional and physical discipline. 1/3

Hmmm that's a hard one not going to lie. Is it just a shower she refuses? Could there be a reason for a shower? Could she maybe have a choice over shower or bath? And if she hits her mum it would be the mum going into a different room and the names would be not speaking again. Id try not get into a power struggle between the two x

Basically set & hold firm boundaries, make the reason for these boundaries clear not arbitrary & restrictive. Ex dont climb on furniture or you may fall & get hurt, feet/shoes dirty the furniture, it could break under ur weight vs ... any arbitrary "because I said so" rule... do the thing you're told not to & get a natural or logical consequence. Natural would be falling off & getting hurt. They learn the hard way its dangerous. Logical would be shoes mark up the couch they need to help clean it. Something breaks, they need to clean up & either work w you to learn how to repair it, or replace it. Cannot move on to another activity until it is cleaned. Vs timeout, get hit, no screen time, no park trip, etc. Young children dont connect those things in their brains the same so the lesson is not learned & instead they just feel betrayed or confused, etc. Break a toy, consequence is they can no longer play w that toy, no need to punish further. Some things just take consistency over time for kiddo to adjust.

Further, the reason she responds easier with you is because you aren't her mom. Regardless of the person, a kid is ALWAYS more responsive to outside people and more "wild" or emotional with mom. Mom is the safe space at home where they can be free and know that mom will still love them and care for them vs another adult may leave them.

Finally... I'd consider having her evaluated for adhd/nuerodivergence. She may struggle with ODD which is oppositional defiance disorder. Basically the simple act of being told to do something makes her have a full body negative reaction like anxiety then acts out because she didnt know how to deal with it. So discipline is similarly difficult to handle.

@Clarissa I just don't know how else to help her because I honestly just want to tell her to move in with me, and I'll help take care of her daughter. I haven't had any issues like she does with her. I don't want either party to struggle because her kid is getting to an important age for structure.

has made some really good points ❤️
Id imagine once the child gets comfortable living with you they would show the same behaviours as Carina said children always act differently towards there safe place.
How you respond to the bad behaviour is more so important than what behaviours they are showing. It's hard for them to understand not to hit if you're spanking them as a punishment or shouting.
Also you have to work out what triggers the behaviours xxx

Behavior is communication and her only behaving that way with mom is proof. Mom is not meeting a need daughter has. Yes she needs discipline, but not necessarily punishment. She needs redirection.

Hitting/ spanking only reinforces bad behavior and sends a message that violence is justified and okay as long as you hold the power in the power dynamic… which is an unhealthy thing to teach to say the least. It sounds like this child is acting out knowingly to get attention and there’s a deeper issue at hand that needs to be worked through with a trustworthy bond, time and redirection. When a kid is behaving this badly there’s no quick fix you have to invest time into healing your relationship with the child that’s causing them to act out.

I take everything away except a few toys. If you can't act right don't expect the finer things in life 🤷🏾‍♀️