Should I confront overbearing MIL?

My mother in law is impacting my mental health and marriage and has no idea. I did a bad job of setting boundaries when my DD was born because I was going back quickly to full time work as well as dealing with birth trauma and figured I had to get used to others helping out. My in laws get a lot of access as my DD stays overnight every weekend and they have seen her once a week or more since she was a month old (she is coming up 18 months). My MIL will always push for more like asking repeatedly to see my DD on her first birthday when we had plans with them the next day and cancel dinner plans to take her to ‘get settled at home’ earlier than planned on Mother’s Day. She will ask about feeding or milk and if I say she doesn’t need any she will ignore me, go ahead and try anyway but my DD won’t take it. My DD is awkward with food and if I can get her to successfully eat I get passive aggressive comments like ‘well she would do that for mum’. My DD got upset recently meeting other relatives and my MIL would not give her back to me even though she was distraught, she just continued to hold her and try to settle her down. We have been in stand offs in my house her holding my DD and me with a bottle and I have had to hand it over because she won’t give me my child. She literally puts her hands out when she meets me and calls my DD ‘my baby’. She accidentally calls my FIL dad and herself mum all the time. She has told my DD ‘say goodbye to your nanny’ to ME and then corrected it when I leave after dropping her off. I’m at my wits end, I feel totally disrespected and I hate any interaction with her. My husband won’t confront it as he said she will not take it well as she thinks she is helping us. He says I am overreacting about the mix up of names. We are considering moving away as neither of us has a better solution to alter her overbearing behaviour. How can I calmly address this, shall I play her own game of passive aggression or can I only avoid this toxic behaviour?

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Id tell her straight and literally take my baby from her!!

I would put a serious distance with her so she may understand she doesn't have a say when it comes to you and your kid. That she would maybe learn her place. Not saying if she keep confusing my kid over her calling herself mom, I would cut her off. She sounds very toxic

Jesus. You've already let it go so far, it will be awkward no matter how nicely you say it. I would just come out with each of the points you've listed. The only downside is that you rely on her heavily to watch your child, so you can't even distance yourself.

I'm sorry but I would have no problems stating my frustration with her! That is your baby. She is not allowed to be called mom she is grandma and she needs to learn her place! You take that stand and stick to your guns! Your child your show! Who cares how she takes it. She's crossed you too many times to care. She's disrespectful calling you the nanny and her the mom. She's got it very twisted. Passive or not. Something needs to be done and if your husband won't tell his mom what's up you need to or maybe just dump the husband and his messed up family altogether. I'm sorry but this post man I'm so frustrated for you! Btw I'm not one sugarcoat shit for anyone especially when it comes to my child.

Yeah for me it would get to the point of me telling my husband "either you tell her in a nice way to back off, or I tell her, and I won't be so nice about it". 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't condone that behavior at all!

My ex’s grandma is/was the exact same way! I had a hard time figuring out how to respond, or how to tell her things. Because she would do the same thing as yours (holding baby when she was upset and trying to soothe her) and I would tell her to give her to me but she would flat out refuse and my ex would never say anything. I snapped once because him and I were trying to leave our house to go somewhere and she would not give my daughter to me so I literally walked over and just grabbed her and we left. It didn’t sit well with her, but it did seem to stop that part of the issue.

Just be blunt. I know it’s hard but it’ll only take a couple times. If she refuses to give over baby just quite litreally say “give me my child now.”, if she calls herself mummy and you nanny, just say excuse me I don’t want you calling yourself mummy to her she’s my daughter. If she gets the hump u just say to her if u can’t behave I will limit ur time with her. But honestly if I were you I’d start limiting it already. Sounds like she has no respect for u rn and needs to realise it’s your child not hers

At least I know I’m not totally crazy! I know I let this go on too long but I really struggle with conflict. My in laws missed out on their first grandchild which is where a lot of this stems for. And they wanted a girl and got all sons. They will have less access as my DD will not be staying overnight Sundays anymore when she starts daycare next month but will still go there Monday’s while we work. I’m hoping to generally distance myself from the situation if possible. Next time I get a name mix up I plan to address it quite directly as this can’t go on. Believe me, I’ve thought about getting out of this crazy family altogether. There is more than this going on with my partner and we argue about this all the time. My own parents are upset with what I am having to face with in laws on a weekly basis and don’t live nearby so unable to help instead. I just want a normal grandparent-grandchild interaction instead of this obsession.

The names or pronouns is no accident, well maybe. That type of behavior doesn't seem helpful at all. Does your mil have any mental health issues, like regarding memory or anything? Stop responding to her requests for more time. Keep your DD with you and/or your partner while around other family members. If your mil asks for your DD while around others, say no or not right now. If she becomes aggressive because you say no, walk off or shout really loud "I said NO! NO means no!" It might seem unhealthy but sometimes getting loud and embarrassing helps people back off. Can you have or find someone else to watch your DD on the weekends or so? Whenever you go near her with DD, before she can even get a word in say there's Grandma or G Ma or whatever nickname for a grandmother. Buy one of those $1 or so, empty spray bottle , fill it with water. Use that spray bottle each and every time when your mil doesn't want to give your baby back to you when DD needs feeding or in distraught.

So update, my husband surprisingly addressed this directly with them as I had said earlier in the week that he doesn’t have my back on it and makes me feel like I’m crazy and every weekend interaction/drop off is causing me so much anxiety because they are so entitled. I didn’t actually ask him too so not sure what to make of it at this point. They didn’t take it well at all apparently and didn’t think the names mix up or calling her ‘my baby’ is intentional or offensive. But they agreed to be more sensitive and not do this around me as it’s making me uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure my names going to be mud for a while and anticipating some awkward interactions to come but it was awkward for me anyway right!

Good for your husband for standing up to them and having your back, my ex’s grandma calls my daughter “her baby” and calls me by my name in front of her and I find it weird and disrespectful. But props to you and your hubby for putting them in their places 💜

I'm so happy for y'all! I hope things continue to improve and become less awkward! Even if it's still awkward after awhile, remember that boundaries and limits have been set and understood which is still a good thing.

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