Maybe find a hobby. To make time for you too baking , painting, photography, books maybe a book club or something to do for YOU
I know it seems hard now, but this will get easier over time. I had such a hard time when I was younger. Counseling and finding the right meds have helped. There is a huge stigma around medication. It really can save your sanity and make things easier.
Give your baby to someone who is trusted, run a bubble bath and open a bottle of wine and go through all the steps that you've gone through already. You're an amazing mum! You're doing so well. And make sure that bath is at least 1/2 hour. 🥰
Hugs. Depression is awful. You sound like a loving mom. I'm here if you want to talk. 🩷