Trying to enter the polyamorous world, HELP

Oof I have a LOT to say about this… I’ve been openly polyamorous for 2 years now and have learned a lot. If he wants casual sex that is more along the lines of an open relationship, not polyamory. Also, it is not an overnight transition and the fact that he “tried” to cheat will mean that you are not going in to it with a healthy start. You most likely will be triggered by him going out and having casual sex with others given the circumstances especially if your libido is already low. Also don’t blame yourself. You JUST had a baby and it is perfectly normal to have a lower libido. You just majorly depleted all the hormones it took to grow that baby over 9 months to having basically none of it the second your baby was born. Polyamory is based around open honesty, communication and respecting boundaries and if he can’t do that in a committed monogamous relationship with you now, he will not do that in an open relationship either.

First he said that his fantasy is to find out that I’m having sex with someone else and then go home and have sex with him, but then he mentioned the possibility that he also wants to have sex with other people with whom he shares some connection, because he feels like he couldn’t have sex with one person for the rest of his life, considering we’re young. But it all came to light when he tried to cheat on me. It scares me a lot, I’m trying to investigate and it seems incredible to me to be able to open up to different forms of love, but the truth is that I have insecurities that have accompanied me all my life and I can’t get rid of the taboo. It’s true that right now I would feel uncomfortable knowing he has sex with other people. I wish I could enter this world to save our family. I don’t know how to begin. He says he’s willing to do anything to be together, how to transform communication and honesty in our relationshp

I think navigating that part about his fantasies and wanting to explore other people is something that he should really think about and educate himself about what that consists of before jumping right in. Have open conversations about boundaries, comfortability and vulnerabilities on both ends and get comfortable with the idea before acting. I’m not saying everyone is this way but most couples that go in to it to save a marriage, it typically never ends well.

You're right. Thank you so much for responding! I needed to hear from someone who's part of this community🫶🏼
I think we'll take it step by step. I'm going to try, and if it doesn't work I'll have to leave, no matter how painful it is.

He mentioned that he would like to take therapy, I am also willing.

Do you have any recommended authors to start reading or listening to? I'd like to first work on my insecurities and understand that there are other forms of love, then consider fantasies

Ok, so I’m writing as I’m reading keep that in mind. This was very concerning that you post was titled “trying to enter polyamorous world….” But your first statement is about being married 3 months ago and your husband has already tried or been cheating. That alone is a sign to stop while you are ahead. Becoming Poly isn’t going to fix the issues already in your current relationship. Likely will just exacerbate them.

I think he is using poly as an excuse to keep you holding on (likely do you don’t divorce and he’s forced to pay child support) not because he loves you and wants what’s best for you.

That said if you have insecurities and distrust it won’t be fixed by allowing him to see other people.

I also suggest you read “PolySecure” it’s a good book.

For context I’m divorced and remarried. My first marriage was based on lies and infidelity. It’s one of the many reasons we divorced (with two kids by the way) my current husband we have nothing but love, mutual respect, and honesty, which made the idea of poly or him being with another woman less scary for me. I had so much trauma of not being enough and that if I didn’t do all of what my partner wanted he would find someone better (because let’s be real that’s the reality I had with my first husband) but that’s not how love and respect works. My current husband while may see another woman or sleep with one he shows me love, respect, and we talk about everything. I know being with another partner isn’t because I’m not enough or he’s not happy.

Huge red flags all around. Polyamory is not a solution for a cheating partner. They should not be rewarded when caught. This can end up going downhill FAST. So you've been married just under a year, you have a new baby and you aren't back to feeling like yourself yet. This is totally normal. But also you cannot just neglect sexual intimacy, you have to find a balance. Because ideally your husband wouldn't just be ok with going months and months without sexual intimacy. But he also shouldn't cheat on you. I would suggest therapy first before thinking you can dive into having a polyamorous relationship. If you guys can work it out, then you read books and explore what polyamory would look like for both of you. Not just him. There are some men who will say they want a poly relationship, but don't want their partner being with other men, just women. But if you aren't into women in that way, that's unfair and selfish.

Some good books to read are: More than Two, The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy,and Alternative Love, The Ethical slut