Photo taking in a blended family + needy HCBM.
Hey fellow stepmoms curious if anyone’s navigated something like this. I scheduled a photoshoot with my baby and invited my husband to be in them. He declined, saying he didn’t want his older kids (from his first marriage) to feel excluded. I understood, though it was hard.
Now, his ex asked him to take professional photos of their three kids just them, on his camera (he has a professional camera but I can never get him to take photos!). By the way this is during her week. She didn’t get school photos, this is to replace those. At first in our group thread he said he was planning to take photos of all the kids on Father’s Day. We have them that weekend, plus our baby would be included for that photoshoot. He said yes to her shortly after on a phone call they shared.
I don’t want to make it a thing, but it’s stirring something in me. I feel like my experience as a mom keeps getting filtered through their emotions, while his ex’s requests get fulfilled more freely. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you handle the emotional double standards without feeling guilty or petty? How do you communicate this to your partner and what do you do to protect your emotions? My husband says the photos are for her household but our household is different and he’d never do a photoshoot excluding any of his children.
So, yes I am annoyed that the ex gets special treatment for things that she needs or wants but if I asked my husband to do a photoshoot of our baby alone he would tell me he can’t.
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Your feelings are 100% valid and I just find that weird. As a now adult that grew up with a stepmother, I was never excluded from anything. Family photos? Specifically planned when I would be there. Vacations? If it was my mom’s weekend, my dad would ask me if I wanted to go or not. A lot of times my dad got things only for me but I was the eldest and only girl and my parents only child together.
Not exactly the same and it seems to have gotten better since having our 2nd/his 4th... But for at least the first 3 years it felt like she could say "jump" and he would say" how high"... It's been really hard and I've recently told him that at feels like his kids always come before ours. They are much older and self sufficient with most things so it is quite hurtful especially when I think about how he probably wouldn't be so passionate about our kids if we split. Definitely feel a similar pain and you have every right to feel this way.
can I ask how things went when your dad would ask if you wanted to go on vacation and it was your moms time ? Was your mom ok with that if it was something you said you wanted to do ?
If not, were you ever upset that your dad had or went on vacations without you ?
I’ve learned to speak up . My husband is 100% that way . Would never wanna do anything without his oldest . And yes it’s caused resentment because it feels like he only sees us as a family when his oldest is here . There were plenty of times I myself have felt like a single mom because he chose to isolate so his daughter wouldn’t feel left out
I may be a bit of an enigma but I honestly didn’t care. There is a bit of cultural differences between my parents also. My mom is American born and my dad from Sierra Leone (west African country). But my mom has forever been unproblematic especially when I got older and was able to decide things for myself. I went out of the country at 15 with him and his family for my grandfathers funeral. My mom never had an issue with anything unless I was being mistreated.
I was never upset if my dad went somewhere without me. It just never bothered me.
mind if I DM you ? I don’t wanna flood someone else’s post
sure !
I get the shoot of just her kids for her- she obviously wouldn’t want your child in them.
I would make dam sure the Father’s Day ones were happening including your LO too though.
My issue is more when you ask for something he says no, yet she asks the same thing and he doesn’t mind????
exactly. It’s not about the photos it’s about him accommodating her so much. There are other things I didn’t mention here that lately have been going on where she has been high conflict. The lines get blurry with the favors and things she asks. It’s just for our household to be given a no to do a solo photoshoot with photos only of our baby but she gets a yes for her household. I think it would be less of a issue regarding the photos but when he jumps to everything she needs while she has also been making our home life miserable its symbolic and I’d have more respect for her as a co-parent if she modeled back the behavior she gets from my husband.
Ask him now to take photos of your child by themselves and see what he says after just agreeing to do the same for ex and maybe that will help him see that he gives in to her requests, if he still says no to you.
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