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I for the most part want a another child (have one from a previous relationship) but I am so happy w just my one and she’s a good kid and there’s just a lot of peace and calm on our day to day. I had her young and she’s 5 now and I finally don’t feel burnt out and things feel so manageable. I have a great balance of spending time w her and being able to go out and do things. I’m kinda dreading the exhaustion a new baby would bring and I want another daughter. I’d be pissed if I have a boy which goes to show maybe I’m not ready 😅😂
Him on the other hand wants kids soo bad but isn’t really interested in marriage. He thinks it’s expensive and thinks guys get screwed in divorces. So I’m wondering if he doesn’t trust me? I’ve been loyal and giving and loving.
Thoughts?
The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.
Learn more about our guidelines.You guys want different things- I would end it now before it gets more complicated. And it’s a bit of a red flag on how he views marriage… not to mention if he thinks marriage is expensive does he not realize how much kids cost over time?! lol but the fact his thought is men just get screwed over and that’s why he doesn’t want to get married 🚩🚩
Well I got with a man who hated marriage and never wanted it but wanted kids..
he ended up dumping me after 2 kids randomly.
Idk I now don’t trust men who can’t fully commit or want the same things
And I want to add as someone who used to want a 3rd kid with my next serious relationship for a while but now my kids are 9 and 10 I couldn’t imagine restarting my clock now- my kids will be adults in 9 years… I refuse to go back to diapers and sleep deprivation now lol
I find people saying men that have no interest in marriage are going to dump you a red flag.
My partner has no interest in marriage and let me tell you, he has 0 intention of going anywhere. We have a baby and I've taken on his son and he's the most family orientated man I've ever met. He loves our family. Chooses to be with us rather than anywhere else or with anyone else. Weddings are expensive and if he wants a baby then that's a commitment in itself.
Not every man is a lowlife just because they don't want to spend 1000s of pounds on a wedding.
These days living is expensive enough nevermind paying for a wedding and a piece of paper.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to get married and have that day, but over and above owning our own home and providing for our kids? No, sod the wedding.
Idk why people say weddings is expensive- I eloped and got married at a Reno court house for cheap… got my wedding dress at JC Penny’s in a mall at Reno same day. you don’t need to spend 1000s of dollars to commit to someone…
And yes. Children cost a lot of money over time but it's OVER TIME.
Packs of supermarket nappies don't require an almost overnight 5k outlay financially.
We can't afford a wedding but we can provide for our children. Because I don't have 10k in the bank but I have enough for clothes, food, nappies, rent and warmth.
What I don't have is 10k for booze, flowers, a dress and a marriage licence. That's the stupidest comparison I think I've ever heard
@Bethan that being said, it’s not always a red flag but if you want a marriage who should you put your wants to the side just for him?
Marriage doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. It can be just a simple thing and having that commitment.
@Bethan it’s not- my first son when born he ended up in the Nicu and I was sent a bill saying I owed the hospital over $200,000… I only got out of it cuz the hospital did an error with the insurance and it ended up being written off buttttt if that wasn’t the case I would have been in 6 figure debt over a birth of just one child so no it’s not a stupid comparison
No what I'm saying is that there are plenty of families that don't have that piece of paper now.
Some people are together and raising a family for 20 years without marriage.
My friend always said she'd rather have a holiday than a wedding and quite frankly so would I. It doesnt mean I'm about to pack my bags and run out the door.
I'm not saying she should have to give up what she wants, I'm saying that you can't say this guy is a red flag and is about to desert her and the kids just because he doesn't want to get married. It's not that simple.
@Bethan he’s a red flag cuz he automatically thinks men get screwed over in divorces… why is he already thinking he’s getting screwed over if he gets married- that’s the red flag
If it was her who didn't want the marriage part, would you say she was a walking red flag and clearly can't be trusted and must be ready to run off.
Being married doesn't stop someone leaving you, it just makes it a lot more expensive a problem when they do.
My parents got married. They didn't even last 5 years.
If he was worried about getting screwed over then get a prenup- there are ways going about then just thinking he’s gonna get screwed over for being a married guy… especially cuz men don’t always get screwed over a lot of women get screwed over in divorces but it’s what he’s projecting and worried about that is the red flag
@Bethan it’s different- we live in a patriarchal society. So no it’s not the same thing it was her and again it’s the way she says he feels that all men get screwed over in divorce- you aren’t reading what I’m saying
I'm a woman and I think men often get screwed in divorces. They get screwed in a lot of things. My partner owned a house with another woman and ended up getting screwed over because of it.
@Bethan this has nothing to do with automatic distrust of men 🙄
But I don't understand that him thinking men get screwed over in divorces means he's untrustworthy and a red flag? It still doesn't mean he's about run off down the road and doesn't want to be with her.
So I dug deep tonite bc he is having other behaviors towards me that are so perplexing. Like, he’s open and vulnerable to everyone else but me. He doesn’t even want to hear my opinion on anything. Never wants to go out of his way to help me or do gestures of romance for me. He’s always criticizing me. All of this but doesn’t cheat and won’t break things off. He’s also always trying to fix me/change me. Like I love floral and girly outfits yet he wants me to dress sporty. And he doesn’t want marriage yet wants kids. I looked up all these behaviors and researched into them to first realize he has an avoidant attachment to me and secondly he’s not inlove w me and he also clearly thinks I’m dumb. I don’t even feel hurt. I feel good that I have finally put things together on why this relationship hasn’t been working and why no matter wht I do, it’s never good enough. I think he stays bc he feels obligated or bc he fears he won’t have kids and a marriage if this relationship ends/setteling
@Lyss yes. That's the US healthcare system isn't it. Not the same across the board..I'm in the UK.
My birth was free and my nappies are £1.50 a pack. So it is a stupid comparison because the whole world isn't as screwed up as the America 😂
My ex was exactly like that.
His mates came first over me all the time, never fully committed but was happy to let me have his kids.
I never think he ever truly loved me
@Tegan eye opening people do that to others :/
@Bethan I still wouldn’t say it’s stupid- cuz overall though- yeah American healthcare is obviously horrible but it is something to consider when having kid if OP is in the US… like i didn’t say your point was stupid… cuz you can marriage license for less than $100. So saying getting married is expensive isn’t true
I always brought up how I wanted to one day get married, no rush but wanted to know it was in our cards but just always was flat out it’s what I want.. we were even together 4 years with two kids, I thought oh well it’s okay to not worry about marriage as thought he was committed to me due to the kids and boy was I wrong 😂
Have you spoken about marriage at all in your relationship prior to this? Did he ever express that he wanted to be married? If he’s always expressed that he didn’t want to be married but you do before having another baby, then I don’t think the relationship will work tbh as you need to both be on the same page. His reasons aren’t the best either as you don’t have to have a wedding to be married and children cost a lot more, prenups also exist if he’s really that worried about “getting screwed”. Are you ok with never being married?
Edit: for some reason I didn’t see any of your other comments until now. He definitely doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to be married to or even have kids with tbh
@Char yes from day one we have been talking about marriage but he was always more excited and ready for kids. I told him we need to be married first and he’s known that. But the years (4) have gone by and I’m still not pushy about it but he wants to start trying for kids/pregnancy this fall so we agreed to start planning a wedding. But it’s caused tension and last night I stayed up all night looking up his behaviors and researching into it. I have found He has an avoidant attachment to me and a bunch of other crap and I layed it all down to him this morning. Some of it he’s just hearing out but the thing about marriage, now he’s making all these excuses about how I’m too laid-back of a parent and I weeded our garden bed wrong and how could I be so stupid to weed it the wrong way. I told him he proved my point on him viewing me as a fucking idiot and that all these excuses he comes up with is bc he’s not in love me.
Oh you do not want to marry or have kids with someone who just nitpicks you and changes goal posts essentially… that would be a horrible way to spend your life- he doesn’t sound like a good partner in the long run… you deserve better
@Lyss I agree! It’s looking like this is going to end since I’m calling all of this out and I’m hitting the nail on the head in every point I make and he’s not liking that 😂 he’s Defensive, dismissive, and it’s just been such an eye opener. I can’t even believe things have become so bad between us but better to end it before kids and marriage happen and it gets worse