Why do relationships break after having a baby

Have you guys sat down and spoke about it? How your feeling x

Happened to me and it’s tough, still 18 months on but it’s easing. Unfortunately some men are like this and don’t know how to care for us women the way we need it, but I’d say, hold out and just be patient, it does get easier as time goes on, just keep communicating if you can or just try and do your own thing for as long as possible, you’ve got this! I hope it eases for you lovely

Its unfortunately really common for having kids to test your relationship, me and my partner were at eachothers throats just before having our first baby and a good few months into it, we almost called it quits but we started trying to communicate better, made effort to not blow up on eachother and jump to insults.. i think its because we were stressed and tired but for different reasons and we couldn't come together about our feelings without the other getting defensive about it. We fought to last and things improved so much we are currently due to have our second daughter in August and I am worried that it will cause that tension and fights again but so far we have being managing a lot better we haven't been arguing every other week and we are trying to see it as us against the issue instead of letting the little things build and make us turn on eachother

It is best to try and sit down and talk about it though, but try to express it without it coming across to him as an attack if you get me? Ive found that my partner easily puts his guard up if im not careful with my wording and once hes already decided to be defensive the conversation will get nowhere. I wish you the best of luck

I’ve personally found with my partner that he doesn’t understand how hard it actually is to be home all day with a baby. To him I’ve just got a 9 month holiday I think. Men also just are abit slow and have to be told certain things, just cause we look capable doesn’t mean we don’t need support!! We also argue more than we did before and I think it’s underlying resentment I have for him, to be able to go to work or even pop to the shops by himself without thinking twice about leaving me with the baby. Me on the other hand, gets so anxious and I feel guilty leaving him to look after the baby, despite him being just as much his child as he is mine. It doesn’t feel fair sometimes and I feel like the baby is solely my responsibility when it should be 50/50. Definitely try and talk to him about how you feel or it’ll never get resolved and you’ll just feel worse! Xx

@Chantelle I have tried speaking to him about the issue, he listens but we still end up falling back into the same situation

@Lara thank you, I'll try keep on telling him how it's making me feel. He's no where near as bad as my ex, he used to gaslight me and was a complete narc. My husband of now actually listens to what I have to say and I can tell it's affecting him also, we just both seem to find ourselves back in to arguing and disagreements every other day.

Do you still make time together? X

@Abbi I think what your saying is 100% true. They think that just because we're at home with baby, we're on some kind of long vacation. That mentality gets me so angry. It's like having a 40+ hours job, it's constant, and non stop. I already feel so overstimulated by the end of the day caring for my daughter and a baby. I've been working jobs that are physically demanding too but it's nothing compared to what it's like being a full time stay at home mum. I really hope things improve, thank you for sharing also. Makes me feel less lonely in this 🩷

It’s more normal than you think for a couple to break up after a baby, it adds a new dynamic that takes adjustment on both sides - and both of you have some adjustments to make. Men have not had the emotional rollercoaster, body changes etc that we have, and don’t take on the primary carer role. In fact nothing really changes for them, so we end up resenting them. Maybe notice the little things he is doing, maybe not significant in the scheme of things, but HE might think is him making an effort, in your next arguement 😅 try saying you don’t do anything around here - and when he argues back that he ‘mows the lawn, takes the rubbish out, made the kids breakfast’ etc thats him thinking it’s an effort made, so make suggestions of small upgrades he can do, and slowly build on your requests… ask for too much too soon and he probably won’t do it. Men need a drip feed 🤣

Also make time for the two of you, date nights once a week, no kids, remember why you fell in love, your not to talk about the kids on the date, gossip about friends, tv shows etc make plans for your next date etc - build in that spark; even if it’s just for 1 hour a week.

This is what happens when you don't discuss expectations of roles

I think in all honesty it's because children used to be raised by a village of people not just entirely on 2 people. I think there's so much pressure applied to both the man and the woman. I think as well there's a lot of mental endurance we go through when we have kids. Also were getting to know a completely new human being and eventually their preferences. Good communication though I think is key, making sure everyone is on the same page. But a lot things do eventually pass and get easier as time goes on.

Don’t think it’s men that change after kids. I think everyone does. You might not notice but you also have changed. We all have. It’s natural. I know some amazing fathers & husbands.

I also think that the traditional values of a husband and wife can’t be exactly recreated in today’s society because honestly the economy doesn’t allow and it’s impossible for a woman to do all those tasks well, and actually not get burnt out or start to feel some type of resentment. There needs to be a balance, this “traditional” idea doesn’t work without a traditional society… it just doesn’t. And that’s what I think is the real cause of relationship breakdown when there’s a baby. Back in the day they had someone to help with the cooking, cleaning, childcare… family and friends literally lived seconds from each other. In the modern society we live in today, it’s a privilege to have a village…

You want more romance, more service, someone to see you for you and not just a mum or a wife to make his food.

I also don’t think human beings are made for marriage but that’s another topic. I feel like that’s a social construct that’s been forced upon us. It was originally created for trading purposes. Also to keep wealth within families… not because of love and whatever. So everyone’s just struggling and trying to keep it together but the manufacturers of marriage forgot to give us a manual

- what’s funny about this is that I’m married and I feel like I have a good marriage & my husband is an amazing father. Idk man, just winging it

@natalie yes your right there, as i don't have any option of childcare unless it's nursery. So we're with at least child all the time. I'm just afraid that once baby is a little older and starts going nursery, and we get a little time between us that spark won't come back. I'll keep remembering this time and won't be able to re connect. Im .hoping we can fix things before it's 'too late' x

My boyfriend and I have an unusual relationship where some months especially leading up to school holidays I don't see him that much as he works etc we also live in separate houses. there are three things we do that keeps us going
1) we never argue - sure we don't agree on everything but we have never raised a voice to each other
2) being thoughtful - my boyfriend better than me at this . When I was pregnant and my back was killing he bought me a new mattress etc
3) appreciation - like "I really think you look great in that dress" "that's a nice smart shirt" little compliments like that are lovely to hear

@Cheryl yes I've heard so many couples break up after a child due to a number of reasons, and I'm afraid that it might happen to us too. I feel like he's lost interest and doesn't love me like he used to. There's no compliments like before. He used to call me beautiful, tell me how attractive i was, the intimacy lacks passion, and we're always ready to jump at each other's throats. I'll have to try and salvage what we have or at least try before it's too late 😔

It’s kinda sad reading all of these comments about how these men act when they’re left alone with their kids. I have 2 under 2 and literally leave my kids home with dad all the time. I got to business meetings, outings with friends, beauty salons, grocery shopping alone!!! Babies will be fine. I think more women need to give dads the responsibility and opportunity to actually take charge in these roles. You should be able to run errands without getting a call to come home or run to the shops without having anxiety❤️❤️❤️ sending you all love! It’s not easy but I guess it’s all for our babies!

sure dear, you don’t have to explain. Everyone has their circumstances ❤️🙏 - I totally understand my kids are 20 months and 6 months, teething and my husband travels a lot for work, totally get it

@Jaime my husband is great with our little girl, he does everything with her and really shares the role, that's why I'm so scared that we may have lost that spark because hes such an amazing father. Sometimes I think you can't have both 🙂‍↔️. I know how you feel though, my ex was like that he would immediately give baby back to me if she would whinge/cry and wouldn't be alone with her for even half an hour. I think it's important to keep reminding them that this human being created, took two of us to make, therefore it's both our responsibility to take an equal share of caring to them. 🩷

@Chí yes it's definitely not easy to have the traditional roles in this day and age. Trying to force them on any relationship is going to have a negative effect. I'm on maternity leave but go back to work next week. I'm worried that I won't be as patient then, as I'll have to wake up drop kids of to school/nursery and also go to work. I'm working out of my own choice, luckily I only have to go back for a few months, then I will leave. It's a constant juggle, where is that village eh, because I could sure use it right now 😖 x

@Jaime yes sometimes it can get overwhelming too, I call my hubby too when she is being super whingy/clingy. It's nice to get a break though when you can x

I just started working too incog and I’m literally going crazy… even with support. It’s so hard and I’ve found a new and even higher respect for mothers, single mothers, working mothers. I’ve always had it but never truly understood it until I actually stepped foot in it. And I think that’s why men also struggle. There’s one tiny tiny sad part in me that has to accept that men truly can’t and will not understand and that’s just okay. We have to just try and support each other the best ways we can. Even friends, family, service providers. It’s all just management.

FTM here and I think me and my partner thought we would have escaped the relationship blues, but oh my did it hit us in the face , it is sad that you kind of lose each other in the becoming mum and dad . But you are no longer going to be the same people. I know I have changed I can’t be the same person I was before. my partner used to be my number 1 but now with baby girl there is less room for him, less room for us. We have had rows about is this going to work . we would not of thought before we would ever be having these conversations. Trying to navigate a new life as a 3 while sleep deprivation does take its toll. I stopped putting pressure on getting us back and I feel like doing that has helped. We know we will come back to eachother but it will be a new verison of us and some days we are just co existing. I believe we both could be putting more effort in. My partner had similar values but he had to help cook and clean as had c section and he still helps with these now

@Hannah aww sounds just like what I'm going through. He's so good with our daughter and I have a daughter from my previous marriage and he's amazing with her too, she has Adhd and can be very hard work at times. When I see him with the kids it definitely makes me want to keep fighting for our relationship and put this phase down to recently having a baby. He's become a father for the first time so I imagine it's really overwhelming for him too. I
Like you said I'm hoping we too can one day come back to each other and be a better version of ourselves. X