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Mamas with depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

just disappointed

really just throwing a pity party. honestly just ready to throw in the towel. i hate my life. i hate how i look. i hate my family. i hate my job. i hate God. i hate the life He gave me. i’m aware that what im saying is rude but im tired of holding shit in & being the bigger person. please just let me small & evil the way i can’t be irl. i’m not asking for anything, just hoping someone cares enough to read.
i just got off the phone w/ the car company because i can’t make my 2nd payment since my job waited until i got the damn car to start cutting my hours before i could even afford proper insurance. the dealer i got the car from never even mentioned to me that they don’t do extensions, which i never asked bc i never intended on needing one. i had no idea that if a car payment to them is barely a week past due that it would mean i may get reported to the credit bureau. literally only running on 3 days to pay $264 w/ only $80 to my name.

literally doing the parent thing all by myself bc my weak piece of a man ass fiancé shot himself 4 months before our child was born. i wish i never met him, he ruined what could’ve been a good rest of my life knowing i already didn’t have a good one before i had the MISFORTUNE of knowing him. little did i know the man i loved the most would be the biggest disaster in my life 💔. here i thought it was just bad always getting ghosted,, having sb else picked over me or left w/ no explanation. meanwhile this man who was loyal to me, went out of his for me and had the purest soul even somehow managed to lie to me abt his mental health & went out of his way to keep me unaware even after i got pregnant and spent the little bit of time we were in a relationship to emotionally, verbally & physically abuse me,, embarrass me in public whenever he slipped into one of his episodes that he refused help for bc of being in denial & made sure to tell me what a worthless evil bitch i am after he misinterpreted something i said out of frustration and how i’m gonna just have to “deal with being a single mother for the rest of my life” (that he turned me into right before he was so selfish to take a son from his mother, take a father away from his child, etc.). hurting so bad bc i remember how my mom’s evil sadistic husband whose THANKFULLY dead too told me the only person in the world that would love would be crazy enough to. i never genuinely smiled once since he abandoned us, getting done wrong the few times i try to move on to the point i just stopped fr (been there done that), & drowning in stress and depression bc of the “family” he made the DECISION for us that they were gonna magically change how they treated me bc of the little of bit of time my mom knew him. probably would if he was one of my brothers’ gfs or bf’s (my oldest likes men), but me? hell no.

angry at my mom for being the fat male centered piece of shit she is. angry that i finally had peace i didn’t have in FOREVER since her son came home from jail last may to further terrorize me WHILE PREGNANT after i pressed charges on my addict brother & his old toothless ass gf for the first time after stealing from me for the 100th & i threw it all away by dropping his charges bc my mom wouldn’t back off on gaslighting, guilt tripping or begging me to drop. after i agreed to drop his,, that wasn’t enough. she begged & pleaded w/ me to drop hers too bc “she is sick” in jail and when that wouldn’t work, she told me the bitch was willing to pay me restitution that i only agreed to bc i needed the money. did i get said restitution? fuck no bc it’s probably one of the lies my mom was desperate to tell just so she can be the mother to that old bitch damn near her age that she NEVER WAS to me, someone she actually UNFORTUNATELY gave birth to. the nerve of her to want this woman out of her house for a whole damn year now and than turn around and COVER for her. bc of the restitution i never got,, now im late on a car payment, had a bad birthday (i been telling myself it was at least good bc my lash tech but not so good when all your friends either couldn’t make it or cancelled at the last damn minute, ppl would’ve moved mountains for),, and sitting here in a pool of my tears feeling like the biggest failure typing an essay that probably nobody will read. when she got frustrated and mad bc i was t letting up, she told me the day will come where i need grace too. wondering where that grace i’ve been needing since i was a CHILD is at? wondering if any of my good works will ever pay off,, not that you should do good bc you expect things but it’s tiring doing good w/ no winning outcome.

i don’t regret my son but i regret the circumstances i had him in. i regret him not having a present father whose ALIVE & instead a coward who didn’t even care to MEET HIM at least. he owed him that much & wouldn’t even do that. he cared more abt moping abt his life that could’ve been fixed, moping abt being the bf i never asked him to be, moping abt being the father he CHOSE to be, competing with a BABY that wasn’t even born yet bc god forbid i love the child we made out of LOTS of love, moping bc i didn’t wanna hear how good he treated his past gfs & female friends while being pregnant dealing w/ his emotional dollar coasters and deeply hurtful words abt my appearance, past, and everything else he felt like tearing down when he was mad & moping abt “friends” (aka bunch of LOW LIFES) that did him wrong.

my bday was july 3 & i can count the ppl who genuinely cared that it was bday on tm hand. my friend literally dipped and decided to drive to columbia “real quick” while i was at my lash appointment and than tried to say he thought I didn’t care and never even had the courage to hit me back. my other friend had to get her hair done, which i understand somewhat, wouldn’t be the first time sb cancelled on me bc their stylist had a booking. had another lonely birthday and my job acted like it was the biggest thing bc they gave me a $330 check for all my “hard work”.

i work in a daycare that i swore i’d never go back to after quitting at 19. 2 years later i show up there pathetically looking for work bc no other place hired me after home depot randomly let me go out of nowhere. it’s ran by new management & the husband and wife are good ppl but i can’t stand cut hours. i can’t stand working in a place where i have to watch men be the fathers my son will never have. can’t stand watching over kids living a way better life than my son. can’t stand watching other ppl make families i never got to have nor give to anyone myself. ofc when i end up a widow,, i have no single friends anymore and the couple i do still have aren’t even interested in me anymore because now i have a child. i can’t vent to the few friends i talk to daily bc they don’t understand fr and some of them will try to tell me abt God when i broke up w/ religion a long time ago.

im hurt. i’m angry. i’m disappointed. i’m tired. i’m a shell of who i used to be. i hate looking at my old pictures bc i no longer have the same light in my eyes, im just a corpse in a living body. my tits are so saggy and me being bony & skinny due to stress from my life & family make it even less attractive. you would never know i once had petite IG tits and can’t even afford to get them done. i never wanted my body done before and now i just want it done to look how i looked before i made the mistake of getting pregnant by someone i barely knew but trusted bc of the love he had for me that ended up not even paying off in the long run. “he loved me so that’s all that matters”, “he was sick”, “he didn’t want you to leave”. it doesn’t matter bc what good is love if it destroyed me in the end? him being sick isn’t a good excuse bc i struggle mentally too but make sure to tell the him the truth like i did. i loved him enough to tell my truth even if that meant getting rejected & he didn’t even want to give me the same honesty. i wouldn’t even have left bc i loved him at first sight and would’ve done everything i could to find him decent help.