Panicking need some advice
Step son (almost 18) is being bad and his Mum is loosing her shit keeps saying he’ll have to come stay with us as she can’t do it anymore and she wants him away from his friends. I have an almost 3 year old daughter and I don’t want him moving in being bad around her. He smokes weed, fags and vapes. He’s drinking a lot and can’t handle it. He’s caused damage to his Mums house and is potentially getting kicked out of college. So what he’s going to come doss around my house now? It won’t affect his Dad as he’s always working so it’s going to fall on me to deal with and I don’t want to. I’m just getting to a point where I can start relaxing in parenthood more, my girl is so good we’re in a great routine and just starting nursery. My OH also treats his son like a friend and lets him drink and smoke so would that change if he comes here? Can’t keep him away from friends they can all travel so of course will meet up? Does he plan to go to work with no qualifications?
I worried this day would come. I’ve not said anything to my partner yet as he’ll get defensive if I say I don’t want him here, it’s his son, but surely if he’s only coming for bad reasons I have a right to say no? He used to stay with us every other weekend but stopped coming the last 2 years (since having daughter, funny that!!) we didn’t have space for him to live with us before but have a spare room for him to come stay weekends - which he doesn’t!! He’s only been here twice and I’ve had things go missing. All the comments about him coming to stay with us have been since we moved in.
I don’t want a bad teenage boy around my innocent daughter. I can’t say shit as even when he’s done stuff my partner thinks it’s me being ott. He’s one of those kids who acts good in front of his Dad and then will talk to you like shit soon as his Dads out of ear shot. He’s jealous of his sister and I don’t see this going well at all! I’ve never said a bad word about him, always polite and involving but deep down I do not like him, I do not trust him.
I also cannot cope with picking up and cleaning after for another adult. I struggle to keep up with what I have to do already and our washing is already piled up I don’t want to add to the load!
It would only affect me the most having him here and I am fuming about it.
My partner hasn’t said he’s coming to live here, he’s only read the messages to me. I haven’t asked as I’m scared to be the one to initiate that conversation. I’m hoping he would at least have a serious conversation with me before he agrees to have him live here. But what if he just agrees to it without speaking to me?
What if the boys mum kicks him out anyway and he just turns up on doorstep?
How would you deal with this?
What would you say to your partner?
Help!!!
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I forgot to mention he’s also in trouble with police so could end up with criminal record too.
Okay maybe I have more of an unpopular opinion but it seems to me like this kid is going through some shit, especially with his mom. It’s not necessarily your responsibility to step up but that’s kind of what it is as his “step mom” :/ my advice is to welcome him with open arms. Change your perspective on things. He needs stability and structure in his life. You are able to make and hold boundaries in your house. Before anything talk to your husband and have honest conversations about what this would look like realistically. What are the ground rules? What happens if he breaks them? Who will he watching him at home? Will he be required to get a job or go back to school? How will we integrate him into our little family so he can be a part of it? Are there any resources or people to reach out to that can help us get a better idea of how to handle him? Create a plan and stick to it
To me, marrying someone who already has children means that you’re ready to accept them as your own. From personal experience, it does not go well if you didn’t have that in mind. He is your step son. Still your son
First of all, do not be afraid to bring it up. He’s not allowed to decide something like this without your agreement. You have a say in this and your priority is to protect your daughter, above all. If he does end up moving in, don’t leave your daughter alone with him even for a minute. Honestly though, since he’s jealous of her and a bad guy, even while you’re there, it’s dangerous. I would tell your husband straight up that this boy hasn’t shown himself to be someone safe or a good roll model for your daughter. If it was another dude doing what he was doing, would he let him near his daughter? And be clear about your standards as far as cigarettes and drugs. You do have a say. Also, he’s an adult so no one really has to take him in. He should go get a job if he’s done so much harm at his mom’s. That’s how people like that learn lessons- or don’t, but it can’t be at your expense. If your husband insists that the guy come live with you, threaten to leave.
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