Is it wrong?
Is it wrong to throw away things someone gets for your child when you specifically told them not to buy it several times?
My fiancé’s grandmother has overstepped boundaries ever since our son was born. We’ve talked to her several times and she continues to do things we’ve asked her not to do and I’m over it. Recently she’s mentioned buying my son more clothes and my fiance and I both have told her not to because we simply don’t have the space as our son’s closet and dresser is already full and when he does need more clothes we would like to be the ones to get them for him considering we’ve barely been able to get clothes for him since he’s been born because she keeps buying stuff when we tell her not to. Don’t get me wrong, we really appreciate the help but it discourages me because I can’t even pick out my own child’s clothes for him to wear. She doesn’t even ask if the clothes she picks out are okay. She will just order whatever and show it to us when it arrives. Like it would’ve different I guess if she was letting us pick the clothes and just offering to pay for it but she doesn’t even ask.
She texted my fiance last night to ask if she could bring some things over this morning (more things we have no space for and we didn’t ask for) and mentioned she had bought more clothes for our son. I told my fiance that her lack of respect is really starting to piss me off again. We were living with her and my fiancé’s dad for almost 2 years but had to move out in December because it was getting so bad that the grandmother would throw literal fits and pout and treat me like crap if she didn’t see our son every few hours and even after us moving they are here every week at the most inconvenient times because no one ever asks me when or if it’s okay to come over. They all communicate with my fiance.
I’m at a point where I would rather give these clothes to someone that really needs them and letting her know she’s not allowed around our son until she can respect boundaries instead of continuing to be disrespected and treated this way.
Which the whole family is full of narcissists anyway and I kind of think it would be safer to just get away from all of them but I have no friends or family and I’m not allowed to work to make my own money and never get handed any money from my fiance working. But I just feel so stuck and defeated. Might I add that I do everything for my son and fiance and this woman also had the audacity to hold my son hostage from me behind her locked bedroom door and refused to give me my own child. Along with the dad threatening me with court and custody all because they baby my fiance and thinks he can do no wrong and every time try to leave he makes up huge lies to try to turn everyone against me and I think that’s why she shows no respect.
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I feel like you have a very big issue with the family which I understand might be from over stepping boundaries but I also think you are overacting a little, she’s only trying to help out and I understand you have said no maybe just say this again that you don’t have the space, if not then just donate them as it’s not your pocket it’s hers but I do think saying to move away from the family is a bit horrible when they are only trying to be nice it’s not overstepping in a bad way. But I understand the frustration
my grandmother is a random gifter too and we had a similar issue with her giving my kid toy cars nearly every time she would see him, to the point of him being like “do you have a car for me?” without even greeting her first! we literally had to tell her multiple times why this felt like undermining our authority over the span of a couple MONTHS and she cut back since then…even though i wanted her to stop completely. so i kinda get it. it’s tiring
I feel like the bigger issue to clothes here is...
you're not allowed to work??? Says who!?
She held your son from you behind a locked door???
Like screw the clothes. Yeah give them to charity or someone who needs them but there's definitely a bigger issue here that needs addressing and dealing with.
Who is making up lies when you try and leave?
Honestly this whole thing is starting to scream toxic abusive relationship with fiance and his family unless I'm reading between the lines wrong. I'd get away from the lot of them
Agree with everyone else with it being a bigger issue than clothes. When you said she locked the door and kept your child away from you, I WISH a motha f#cka would!! That just brought the old me out, somebody would got hands laid on em, I don’t give a damn whose mother they are, you don’t keep my child from me, under any circumstances! Now I don’t know the entire situation or why she would do that, but I’d keep this entire thing to yourself, thank her for the clothes, donate them, start looking for a side hustle or work from home, open a bank account and start preparing.
i agree with anima. thank her, sell the clothes and save the money to leave cuz that does not sound like a healthy situation to be in. you not being allowed to work is domestic abuse and keeping your child from you is insane.
She had gone to far you need to leave and never look back sell her what you can do you have some money and get out of there
I would start looking into a PFA girl (in the US, it's protection from abuse) and take your son because this is all so fucked up
You’re not allowed to work? Well then I know a great way for you to get extra cash from all of these financially & emotionally abusive people, it’s deff not by throwing away these clothes/toys, start playing nice & selling them & secretly putting back y’all’s escape money.
I don’t think anything’s wrong with regifting what she gives that you don’t love/want to use, I just don’t necessarily see it as disrespectful of her. I’d just remind her, we want to start picking out clothes for him ourselves and are running out of space so if we do receive anything that doesn’t match up with what we’re specifically wanting right now then it might not actually make it into his closet. At that point, it’s her decision whether she wants to risk spending her money on things he may or may not ever actually wear 🤷🏻♀️
The situation of keeping your child from you is absolutely not okay though, I’d definitely be making it clear that if she EVER does that or something similar to it again then she will not have access to your child anymore. Similarly, if they can’t respect your boundaries or care for your children safely then they don’t get to be alone with them anymore.
I immediately stopped at "not allowed to work." Why are you planning to marry this man??
Agreed with everyone else. This is way bigger than some clothes you don’t want/need. You just like loosely breezed over being financial abused and controlled by a family of narcissists like it was just context, when that sounds like the actual problem
There is definitely bigger issues than the clothes because once the kids start eating solids then any new clothes are a godsend . Toys on the other hand, especially the wooden ones,I hate. 30 parts for 1 toy and all go missing.
If you want to leave them then pack whilst his at work and move things out slowly. Then you also leave once his at work. Who says you cant work? Go to a citizens advice centre and see what your options are as they will be able to help you.
Ok, you are depressed... schedule a doctor's appointment and have them document it and tell the Dr what is going on. They can point you to other resources. Have them schedule a psychologist appointment for you...and go to them (plus make up bogus appointments to get put and line up some other things.) talk to a custody lawyer, most have free consultation or public health. There are some resources you are not using.
Unfortunately since there is no physical abuse, most courts will eventually grant 50/50 custody. See what the recordibg laws are for your state. If you are a one party consent state, that means you, living there, can consent to cameras and you can basically many cam the place to collect evidence of what is really happening.
This hits close to home…
Also if someone held my child hostage I would be calling the police and also kicking a boomers ass, kicking the door down like a cop, etc…. honestly I’d try to find a shelter because this is unsafe
I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years and I wish I would've escaped sooner....
Take the clothes and sell or donate them. Hide that money....
Get your child and put him in your car with all your belongings that you can fit in your car (while your fiance is gone at work) and haulllllll butt back to your hometown with that last bit of money you have....or go to an abuse center, they will help you and your child stay in hiding until you can get a restraining order against your fiance and his family member....
It may seem scary, but once you're gone and out of their lives, you will feel so free....
Honestly id reach out to your family, make a plan, leave when he's not home, and immediately start the process for getting full custody. You and your son deserve better
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