Regret 2nd pregnancy (please don't read if this might trigger you)
If this triggers someone I am sooo sorry, I just need someone to talk to who isn't my family.
I am 20 weeks pregnant with my second, and I hate myself for getting pregnant again.
We were trying and at first were happy, but then I started throwing up again (nowhere near as much as last time) and my partner suggested maybe we should abort because he was worried about my nearly two year old and my mental health.
I decided not to after a couple of weeks of thinking about it and I think I made a mistake. I'm terrified that I am feeling movement and don't care and that I won't love them when they come out. Sometimes I have thoughts like "I hope my daughter jumps on me hard enough that it dies", we were moving and I was lifting the heaviest boxes, that I normally wouldn't even try and I've only recently realised I was trying to miscarry.
The thing is my partner and family all know and are extremely excited, if I try to get an abortion now I'd be seen as a monster, and I fear I would see myself as one and would want to hurt myself more than I already do sometimes.
I am waiting for an appointment with a therapist.
Has anyone felt like this, kept the baby and felt love afterwards?
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I think that I’ve read about this before so you’re not alone. Pregnancy is hard when you don’t suffer but when you get debilitating symptoms and feel physically sick all the time it’s a completely normal feeling!
I did read one account of a woman who had the abortion and regretted it so much once the hormones and sickness got less. I myself am pro choice but if this pregnancy was wanted I would probably try to keep it and focus on therapy, like you are trying, and on getting help for your mental and physical health.
No one’s opinion on this decision should matter, except maybe your husbands but he cannot carry this baby for you, so the last decision lies with you.
Wishing you all the strength in the world no matter what you decide to do!
I'm sorry you're going through this. My last pregnancy was rough. I didn't plan to get pregnant, but didn't know what I wanted to do. I was told in my 2nd trimester that I had placenta acreta (baby's placenta was implanted on my cesarean incision), so for weeks I had to see specialists and get all these scans. On top of being sooo sick all day. I kept saying I didn't want this, why am I doing this?
I was told the severity of it depends on if I can deliver my baby or even go to term without hemorrhaging and dying. There was too much risk in the end. Dying to bring a baby I didn't want into the world and leaving my living child motherless was killing me. Also I wouldn't be able to have children again.
In the end it was my life or the baby's life and I thought this decision would bring peace but it did the opposite. I was very depressed for very long (maybe it was PPD?) and thought no baby would make me happy, but the situation was so shitty that it didn't matter how it ended
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