Finance issues longish I’m sorry

If he's spending out of the account then pull out cash for him to use instead and THAT is his to spend freely. Cut up his card and have him buckle down on discipline. Why did he accept a lower paying job? If he wants to spend more or not commit to making changes the conversation needs to be when he's moving into a position that will better support that because he's going to put y'all in financial straits otherwise.

I'd lay down the hard line now before you get to a worse place financially. Is it going to take that for him to realize something needs to change? Or perhaps you all need to consider that he's not in a place to appropriately support you as a SAHM and make goals to get you on PT work if that's something you think might drive a point home for him in needing to step up.

The bottom line is he needs a wake up call and to change his behavior. You shouldn't be mothering him through this process. He's a grown man and he can't see where it's an issue on your family? There are other hobbies and things he can take up to feel like he's reclaiming something for himself and regain control in his life. Spending money when it's tight and leaving your wife to stress over it? That's a hell no for me, personally.

I can respect wanting to get to a better place to preserve your health, but now that he's out what steps is he taking to push for/work toward a raise? Is he looking at better opportunities in the meantime?

I'm just struggling to understand how he isn't more bothered by the imposition he's placing on your family. My husband would literally take two or more jobs if he needed to for my sake to stay with the kids if it meant money was tight. He's done Spark and Doordash to supplement income when things were really tight. No excuses, just taking care of things because he'd decided that he wants to support me as a SAHM.

I'd be cautious if your husband is really stepping up the way he needs and consider how you can best encourage him to do what needs done on his end. No one likes work. Being a SAHM is also work, if we're being honest. But that's not a valid excuse to just over spend when the situation changes financially because we feel better now. Sounds like there's some growing up and buckling down that needs to be done, some sacrifices to be made so y'all can get to a place where you are t worried about that extra spending. He's your partner. He needs to support you in his role if he expects you to stay in yours

I'm not saying to leave him or scorched earth things with your marriage either, but I am saying some tough love is in order because if he keeps pushing that boundary how much time before you're late on a bill or facing more issues because he's irresponsible? Is that loss of respect for him worth silence/inaction now?

Sounds like he needs a serious discussion to get on the same page, whatever you two decide.

Make an account for bill money and another for "other spending." The easiest way to change a habit is to make it harder or even impossible to go against. The account for only bills should only have one card that stays in a bill binder or file cabinet. Any card in your wallets will be for the "other spending" account.

I work with people to help them with their finances so feel free to pm me if you like

Maybe it’s just me but I feel like this shouldn’t have to fall on you. I’m a sahm as well and my husband takes care of all the bills, I don’t even know when bills are due. It shouldn’t be you your responsibility to make it work especially if he’s a spender. He should be in control of all the finances, I don’t understand why accept a lower paying job?

And the "panties in a wad" comment is so not cute or helpful. I don't usually advise women to consider saving up cash or stashing some away in case, but maybe that's a necessary step in this case if he's purposefully choosing his comfort and peace over the family's wellbeing or your security as a SAHM. Without that security how does he expect you to be fully present for the kids? Does he have a realistic idea of the balance it takes to successfully be a SAHM? I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that. I'm honestly so frustrated on your behalf over the situation.

I just wanted it to be known that I am very happy in our relationship and I have no ill will towards him. This is the only time that it has been like this and I can’t talk to any of my family about it because it’s a touchy subject. And I have no friends hint to why I have this app. I just needed to get it out or figure out how to go about it. I don’t think he does it intentionally to be malicious. Like it was literally just a $60 purchase. It wasn’t like thousands of dollars were taken, but it’s just the point of you asked me to sit down and run the numbers and let you know and I’ll let you know but you ever spent for what? It wasn’t necessary. And we have talked about it a little bit, but I just needed to let it out more and see if anyone hadn’t been there done that.

Yes it's definitely a common contention. I started using YNAB and it's reduced a lot of arguments, but it doesn't stop him overspending because it's me that tracks the expenses and I don't bring it to his attention with the demand of him controlling his spending habits. I just show him the concerning numbers and hope he responds appropriately, which he has to some extent. He also took a lower paying job after a bad move (he didn't expect to be bad). But more significantly I stopped working. So it's largely my fault, although it's forcing us to learn something that's important to me, because when I was getting paid I was covering him a lot. This has been like a painful forced reset, that I hope will benefit us in the long run

Tbh I went through something similar( I myself being the person bad with money) it’s honestly so hard to break unless he sees it for themselves. My husband basically told me that I was in charge of the finances so I can see everything and honestly it changed the way I spend completely and if anything we’re able to save and budget better. I think when someone isn’t actually seeing what’s coming and going you think you have more than what you do. I think you should have him manage the finances for a few months that way he can get a understanding of how things really are

Sounds like he needs to be more involved in the budget planning. And not just month to month but long term money goals y’all can work on together.

I have 3 accounts. A bills account where all direct debits come from, a current account for me ans a current account for him. The bills account i cut up and binned the cards for. This account is so that when money comes in at the start of each month the money to cover all bills of the month go in there and it is left there. Not touched, spent, nothing. Then the current account for me is jist for me and I have the debit card for. This is for food, diesel and about £50 pocket money. The current account for ny husband, I put £100 in that as between petrol and bits he genuinely needs in the week, that is what he gets through. So thats his pocket money. All 3 account are joint accounts, but only he spends from his account, I spend from mine and no one spends from the bills. I would highly recommend it!