Newly dating after being a single mom
I'm 41, I have a 4yrold child sole custody/full time father is not involved. I've been raising her by myself since she was a few months old. I live alone with my kiddo, and I work 32hrs a week. I'm used to my simple, frugal life, of just my kiddo and me. I also lead my life on "slow mom mode" type of life. I don't jump at anything. I also really strive to enjoy the small things in life, usual free things, and being somewhat spiritual. I'm really into nature and being outside, especially with my kiddo.
Anyway, I've been talking on and off with someone since December. He works out of state but is in town for the holidays. He was recently in town for spring break and Easter. He is divorced and a single father (he has primary custody mother not involved because she has substance abuse issues). His kiddo is 10yrsold. He's in his mid 40's. Back to the point, we have gone on a couple dates and outings, and we also spent nearly everyday together for about a week. Yes our children have met and been part of our dating but they've also spent time with other family members while he and I spent time together. He and I have not done anything physical yet other than hugs.
He seems to really like me. Where he is texting everyday. He is extremely eager. He has also helped me with fixing multiple large issues at my home and he also bought me a lawn mower, which I desperately needed. He has now sent me and my kiddo multiple gifts through Amazon to my home. He's so kind, so generous, says he is looking for a serious relationship and marriage, and he seems like a good man. But, he seems to have an anxious attachment or something is up with his nervous system. He's almost always doing something, which is great and productive. But, his eagerness and all of the things he is always involved in that he tells me about, leads me to believe he is a bit chaotic. He is successful career wise, comes from a good family who are still married, etc. My question is, why is he obsessed with me so early on and why do I always feel so worn out talking with him? I have chalked it up to him always being in a masculine energy for the most part. He is a human "doing". He's rarely just being.
I'm unsure if he and I really truly relate emotionally, because he's more focused on goal completing in life. I like him, he's great so far, but should I be worried that his overeagerness, human doing self, isn't someone that will ever truly deeply connect with me or see me for me?
I'm hesitant with everything. He's eager to show me everything. He even wanted me to meet his family already š I declined.
I am happy and grateful to have him in my life and he will be moving back into the same state in a few months. I'm just worried about the other things I've mentioned.
Any advice for me?
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Talk to him about your concerns gently. When morning sickness isn't beating me down you'd probably describe me as a "human doing" too. In my case it's because of ADHD. Some people it's anxiety. Mostly it just sounds like he is WONDERFULLY deeply into you. And 're still on the fence That might be making him anxious and be fueling some of the doing.
You'd need to ask yourself about talking to a higher energy person tires you out. It sounds like he's already feeling a real connection and sees something in you. I'd question what would let you really connect given it has been a while and it sounds like you're the one who has yet to connect. Two way connections have a way of deepening and going places one way interests don't.
Ya know, I can be a very up front blunt person while simultaneously being shy & anxious, Iām diagnosed OCD, but Iām 100% sure Iām under diagnosed, my OCD tendencies are at odds w/something else about me & Iāve figured out what it is even though theyāre not into adult diagnosing around here. Plus Iām Demi, attraction takes time & I never know when or who Iāll find myself attracted to, but itās a 2 way bond that makes it possible, when I asked out my now hubs, I did so w/I a couple days of realizing I was attracted to him, it came as a shock to him bc weād never even flirted, we had just begun a friendship a few months earlier, he almost said no & I think it kinda freaked him out that I didnāt mind if he said no, but he changed his mind & said yes, but everything seemed against yes & we had to cancel the only date that even came close. He took it as a sign, I took it as life, but he thought we should just stay friends, which I was happy to do, I respect him & his beliefs. A couple weeks
You lost me on this guy when I read anxious attachment.
My childās father has this issue and behaves the same way. After 3 dates, I remember he randomly showed up at my work at 6am with a gourmet breakfast heād cooked from scratch because he knew breakfast was my favourite meal š Really made me uncomfortable. He was always doing nice things for me so early in the relationship and wanting to rush everything, very eager and very chaotic. Some people are just like that, but when the behaviour is stemming from an anxious attachment, itās a nightmare because itās done for validation and reassurance seeking. All those nice things get tallied up and thrown in your face the minute you question them on anything. Theyāre hypersensitive. Nice behaviour comes in waves, wait for the protest behaviour when they start accusing you of things like not caring about them, not being committed enough, not liking them, etc. They start arguments just for the repair because it makes them feel cared about.
Personally I wouldn't meet family or kids until at minimum 6 mos. I didnt introduce my kids until about a year. But I think standard is 3-6 months of consistent dating. People are generally able to mask their true identities until about then (unless the are super narcissistic and toxic professionals) but by then they'd be dropping the ball of the fake persona.
Have a convo, see if he'd even be willing to wait or slow down. Then gage not only his response to that but his actions after and see if he follows through with slowing down without being reminded or prompted. I see often single dads are super eager to get someone else in the house to do the mental load and house "wife work" so they dont have to. And by any means necessary.
Also if u go out with friends how many questions does he ask about who what and where and knowing ur out how many times does he text b4 you respond? Does he do the "well i guess I must be bothering you" type text? Cuz red flags then.
Youāre clocking something that doesnāt feel right. Trust yourself. Look up ālove bombing.ā Youāre allowed to make your own decisions, and if he canāt respect your decisions (for example, your hesitance to rush into something that you donāt know if you want, desire to build trust slowly over time, etc.), then I agree with the other responses: sounds like he wants to control you, and you should get out of there quick before he gets a tighter hold on you.
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