Advice?

Hi everyone, I’m new here, and honestly I joined because I need a place where I can finally vent with women who actually understand the stepmom experience. Because I am EXHAUSTED. 😭I’ve been in my stepson’s life since he was 8 months old. When I came into the picture, his mom had left for about two months. Once she found out about me, things immediately became messy, and she wanted to take the child away.
Since then, it has been such a long, complicated journey. I’ve always tried to be cordial with her for the sake of the child. I invited her to my family gatherings because she had fallen out with her own family. I tried to include her because she was a single mom and I genuinely felt bad for her. At one point she was living in a shelter with her two children while my fiancé and I were living with my parents, so we weren’t exactly financially comfortable ourselves, but we still tried to help and accommodate her whenever we could.
I was 19/20 years old, working full time, and would drive an hour each way to pick up my stepson from daycare even though his daycare was five minutes from where his mom was staying. We already had him half the time, one week on and one week off. There were even times I watched her daughter so she could have time to herself. I didn’t even have kids of my own yet. I was literally a teenager/young adult trying to help raise a child that I had grown to love as my own.
There was also a lot of conflict surrounding my fiancé and his ex’s relationship. She cheated on him, moved in with another man, and at one point wanted my fiancé to be okay with their son living in a garage. She eventually had another baby with that man, then became a single mom again. Despite everything, I still tried to be kind and include her. Then my fiancé and I planned a trip to NYC with his son. I paid for everyone’s outfits, we planned everything, drove all the way there, and had already spoken with the daycare about him missing a few days. Then she decided he wasn’t going the night before we were leaving. I truly believe a big part of it was because she knew my fiancé was planning to propose to me on that trip. When we came home, she withheld his son from us for three months. I was pregnant with my first baby during that time. We finally got him back a week before I gave birth, and he came back completely different. He was spitting in my face, yelling at me, hitting me when I told him no, and saying his mom told him he didn’t have to listen to me. I was postpartum with my first child, a stay-at-home mom, and still taking care of him half the time. He was three years old. Eventually, my fiancé and his ex went to court, and my fiancé became the primary parent with certain conditions. It was also established that the schedule would need to be modified once school started. And after ALL of this, here is the part that hurts me the most.His mom refuses to acknowledge me as his stepmom.She insists that I am “just the girlfriend.”
Not his stepmom.
Not someone who has helped raise him since he was 8 months old. Not someone who has been there for him for years.
Just the girlfriend.
And that is what makes being a stepmom so damn difficult. Because when she needs help, I’m expected to help. When he needs childcare, I’ve been there.When he needs someone to pick him up, I’ve been there. When he’s sick, I’ve been there. When he needs someone to show up for him, I’ve shown up. I’ve changed diapers, made bottles, taken care of him, picked him up from school, taken him to appointments, celebrated birthdays, comforted him, and loved him through every stage of his life.
He calls me Mom. Not because I force him but because he literally will start throwing a tantrum if I say I’m not his mom. But according to his biological mother, I’m just the girlfriend. And I’m supposed to somehow be okay with that. I don’t want to replace his mom. I have never wanted to replace his mom. I don’t want her title. I don’t want her relationship with her son. I just want the role I’ve actually played in his life to be acknowledged. I’m now a mom of two myself. I’ve had two children back-to-back, gone through pregnancy, postpartum, and everything that comes with raising babies, while still trying to show up for my stepson. My fiancé and I haven’t legally gotten married yet because life happened. We had babies, postpartum, finances, everything. We’re finally planning to legally get married and have our actual wedding in 2028. But after years of this, I’m exhausted. I love this boy more than I can explain. That’s what makes this so hard. Because sometimes I genuinely sit there and wonder: What am I getting out of this? I’ve given so much of myself to a child I didn’t give birth to, and I would do it all over again for him. But who is taking care of me?
Who acknowledges what I’ve sacrificed?
Who acknowledges that I have been a parental figure in his life since he was 8 months old?
And how am I supposed to continue giving everything I have when the person who constantly creates the conflict won’t even acknowledge me as his stepmom? I just want to know I’m not the only stepmom who has ever loved a child deeply while simultaneously feeling completely invisible. Because being told “you’re just the girlfriend” after everything I’ve done hurts in a way I don’t think people outside of the stepmom world can understand. 💔

in our community

Anyone else is angry at their husband / partner just existing?

lol I woke up today and so angry at my partner. Just because he asked if I wanted him to book doctor’s appointment for our baby. It’s your son for godsake do you even have to ask me?

Would you fly abroad if you were in my shoes?

I have two children, aged 5 and 3, and I’m considering going abroad with my husband. The main thing making me hesitate is that my husband has ongoing mental health and musculoskeletal issues, and when we travel, he generally doesn’t take responsibility for the practical side of things. I would already expect to be responsible for the children, suitcases and most of the organisation, but I’m also worried that I may need to manage his anxiety or mental health while we’re away.

The last time we travelled, around 1.5 years ago, was quite traumatic for me. On the flight there, my husband experienced severe palpitations and became convinced he was going to die. I had to alert the cabin crew, and when we landed, paramedics assessed him. As he doesn’t speak the language of the country we were visiting, I had to translate for him while also trying to keep an eye on our two young children, who were running around, and deal with all the luggage.

Then, when we arrived at the Airbnb, he became very anxious because he didn’t know what he was going to eat. He has quite significant food anxiety. He walked out of the accommodation, and I had to follow him with both children because I was worried about him. Thankfully, he eventually settled and the rest of the trip was better.

Interestingly, his sibling came to stay with us afterwards, and on the journey home his sibling travelled back with us. My husband was completely fine on the return flight, so I know he can manage travelling, but I think the experience has left me quite traumatised and worried about it happening again.

Now he really wants to go abroad again. He is better than he was previously, and these days he does manage a lot of his anxiety himself. However, he is still not 100% — he still has anxiety and food-related anxiety, and his mood can be very low. When he is struggling, he can become withdrawn, sit quietly and move his body back and forth without really engaging with us. He also tends to isolate himself and doesn’t always tell me how he is feeling, because he prefers to deal with things himself.

I don’t want to stop him from doing something he really wants to do, and I don’t want to disappoint him. At the same time, I’m worried that if things go wrong, I’ll be the one carrying the responsibility for the children, luggage, translating, organising everything AND potentially dealing with another mental health crisis.

So, if you were in my position, would you go abroad? Would you feel comfortable taking the risk, knowing what happened last time and knowing that your husband is better but still not completely well? Or would you wait until things are more stable?

I’m really struggling to work out whether I’m being unnecessarily anxious because of what happened last time, or whether my concerns are reasonable.

Opinions please???????

As a stay-at-home mum, I struggled with loneliness and feeling like I wasn’t contributing financially after leaving work to raise my child. I eventually found a way to make good money from home, and honestly, we’re doing even better now.

I have a friend who’s also a stay-at-home mum, and she wants me to teach her what I do. My husband, however, doesn’t want me to because he’s concerned about my safety. What do you think I should do?

Childminder vs Nursery

My baby is 8 months and currently we do have a place at a nursery and one on hold with a childminder.

The nursery is a bit further about 20 mins from my home and can only do 3 days a week there and can’t start until mid April.

The childminder is 10 minutes from home and she has 2 other workers there with her. She has availability for all week and he can start in January.

I won’t require all week as I’m only going back for 3 days but debating whether to put him in for 4 days so I have a day to be able to do housework etc.

Have others gone with either and how have you found it?

Mum guilt

Is anyone being strict with their little ones sleep/naps, feeds etc?

I feed on demand, and if she’s tired I’ll let her sleep/nap? She’s 14 weeks old. I am literally just winging motherhood as I am a first time mama and I feel that there’s so much strictness, or routines that need to be done etc, I feel if I do that it’ll make me unhappy and miserable and constantly working towards a timetable, whereas I just want to enjoy parenthood and not get even more overwhelmed than I already am as this is all still very new to me!

Stock cubes for babies

I am about to start weaning my almost 6 month old. I also have a 2.5 year old who eats what we eat. I put stock cubes in most meals but we don’t like the low salt ones. I don’t add any additional salt and definitely won’t for my baby but are stock cubes ok? I used to cook my toddlers separately until he was 1 but I don’t have the head space or time for that now. I very much just want to make one meal. Does anyone else do this?