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Boy moms 💙

PPD

I’m not sure if I need help or not or even what to do I hated pregnancy with a passion I was ill all the way through in a lot of pain and towards end I had 5 infections back to back causing me a lot of hospital visits and being admitted 3 times in one month at 37 weeks I had preeclampsia causing me to be induced induction went ok but after the 48 hours they broke my water and all went down hill I was on pitocin drip for 18 hours it was being increased while I was asleep i remember pain I remember gas n air and I remember nearly passing out on the toilet vistion went black and it sounded like my head was under water I asked for a c section because my body physically couldn’t handle more with every contraction I was having I was struggling more and more to stay conscious I do not remember anything else for the next 29 hours that they left me 14 times I was pushed back from having the section according to my mum and partner they also told me I kept stopping breathing ect I don’t know what happened but now I’m home i feel like I can’t cope anymore I love my baby but I am not me anymore I feel lost all the time I feel like I couldn’t even go through birth how am I meant to raise him will I be enough and on top of that I have a history of self harm it was years ago I thought I was ok but every day all that goes through my head is what would be one more cut I already have a massive one arcross my body a couple more won’t hurt but I’m doing my best to ignore it and I do just hold my baby but what if one day those thought get to much and I hurt him or us both I don’t know this is kind of a rant and a silent cry for help I guess I just felt like I should say something but I don’t know who I can tell about these feelings