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SEX ~ DRAMA ~ MARRIAGE & MORE

I need support on dealing with my alcoholic husband

He is a stranger when he drinks. He’s not the man I love. He’s verbally abusive and angry and hates me. But then he’s sober and he’s the man I love again. He’s been trying really hard to stay sober, and when he finally beats his record for sobriety, he relapses because someone else in his life tells him I’m just controlling and it’s okay to drink and have fun.

Tonight we had plans as a family, and he made the plans. He was so excited. Then I come home and he comes walking out of the neighbors house drunk as fuck. He tried to take his feet off because he wasn’t wearing shoes and couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t come off. He kept getting so angry and demanding to talk to his wife and told me he doesn’t care me because I’m just some bitch and he only wants his wife (me but he couldnt recognize me) and then when I left the room and came back he was like “oh there she is!” And kept trying to love up on me like we were gonna have sex.

I left him at home and went to pick up the kids from camp, and now I’m at my mom’s. I didn’t tell him we came here, and I’ve been ignoring his calls. I’m trying so hard to hold everything together and I can’t handle it. I’m not strong enough anymore… i know he hates himself and I know every time he sobers up he’s so filled with regret, and then we will be good again for a few months while he really does actively try to quit. The addiction just consumes him sometimes and he’s not strong enough to beat it, and I’m not strong enough to watch it consume him. I don’t want to give up on him, or our family. I just don’t know what to do.

I try to go to my friends and family for support, but they don’t understand addiction. They all say “he’s choosing to drink” or “he just needs to stop” but it’s not that simple. It’s not a choice but a sickness. And he fights it every day. He just loses every now and then, but when he does lose it’s not just a normal oh I’m drunk now. It’s belligerent. And honestly, the more he tries to stay sober, the worse his relapses get, because his tolerance is so low now. What 12 beers used to do to him now happens in 3, but he still drinks the 12.

Idk I guess I’m just look for support/advice/affirmation from someone who has been close to addiction and can understand the situation a little better.

Tonight before I left to get the kids, he sat on the floor and cried that we can’t afford another 14k for him to go to rehab again. And I just watched him roll on the floor in tears, hurting himself, and I felt so hopeless and I wanted to cry with him.